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Isn't it strange that no matter how hard you try to improve yourself it always ends in disaster. After a lifetime of debauchery, drunkenness and villainy I thought I should seek redemption and find religion. To this end I approached a local priest regarding joining the Catholic Church. "Ah there are strict conditions" he said "you have to abstain from sex for 30 days to prove you have the moral fortitude to join the Church" 30 days later I was back and had to tell the Priest that I had failed the test. "Father I was doing well for the first 29 days but it was tough going. Then I saw my wife bent over the freezer and I just lost control and ripped her knickers off and made wild passionate love to her on top of the freezer" "Ah my son alas you have failed the test and are therefore banned from the Catholic Church" "Doesn't matter" says I "I'm banned from Tesco's as well"
I'll just get my coat and if anybody wants me I'll be in the pump room.
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Oul scabby knuckles 
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
Anything God didn't create was made by engineers.
I try so hard to make things idiot proof but they keep making better idiots 
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