Humour the best of medicine

[BobClay]

or Tommy Cooper one liners:

Doctor, I'm aching in all sorts of places.
Well don't go to those places.

[Ron Stringer]

I'm hoping I can still get a good cup of coffee when the barristers go on strike.

[Malcolm G]

Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask.

[Engine Serang]

Originally Posted by Ron Stringer

I'm hoping I can still get a good cup of coffee when the barristers go on strike.

With their 10 A-Levels, honours degree, Devilling with Brick Court Chambers, wig, gown, pony and soft top Beemer they are not capable of making a cup of coffee.

[YM-Mundrabilla]

Originally Posted by Engine Serang

With their 10 A-Levels, honours degree, Devilling with Brick Court Chambers, wig, gown, pony and soft top Beemer they are not capable of making a cup of coffee.

No, but 99% of them can still give the remainder of the profession a bad name.

[BobClay]

It's either this or tell him to proceed forth in short jerky movements ....

[Ron Stringer]

Yeas ago I predicted that Julie Andrews was destined for stardom. From the very first time I heard her sing Doh Re Mi, I just knew she was going to go so far!

[Ron Stringer]

A genie offered me a single wish, for anything I desired. I said that I didn't value material goods and merely wanted to be happy.

Now I live with six other little guys in the woods and work down a mine.

[BobClay]

Ron Stringer for King !!!

[Ron Stringer]

My mate Bill was on a flight sat next to a guy from the brass section of the Halle orchestra. It was a difficult conversation, he had profound opinions and it was obvious that he loved himself.

"Mmmm." Bill thought, "a deep, vain trombonist."

[Ron Stringer]

My mate brought out a book on basement conversions last week.

It's gone straight to number one on the best cellars list.

[Ron Stringer]

The other day, while browsing through old vinyl discs in a charity shop, I was intrigued by a 7" disc entitled "The Sounds of Wasps". So I bought it but, on getting home and playing it for the first time, I was really disappointed to find that it sounded nothing like wasps.

Then I realized that I was playing the 'B' side.

[Malcolm G]

My old grandmother was feeling unwell and a Irish friend told us about a remedy from his grandmother which involved covering her in melted butter, but she went downhill very quickly after that.
The doctors did all they could but she just slipped away…

[BobClay]

"Doctor Doctor, I think I've developed an inferiority complex .... "

"I can't think why you insignificant little worm ... "

[Dartskipper]

A man walked into a bar and swore, cursed, blasphemed and voiced profanities.

It was an iron bar.

[Ron Stringer]

Bert told his wife that he had bumped into her mate at the superstore and that she showed him a picture of her new baby on her phone.

“Oh fab, what did she have?” She asked excitedly.

Bert replied... “An IPhone 11”

[Ron Stringer]

Got a new hobby. A couple of days a week, I spend two hours bell-ringing. Some people find it an odd thing to do with my time, but I find it very therapeutic.

The bus driver seems less keen on it, though...

[Ron Stringer]

Shades of Andy Capp

[Engine Serang]

NASA is heading back to the moon and I’m reading a book about anti-gravity, it’s impossible to put down.

[Ron Stringer]

I was on holiday in London, when an American tourist stopped me and asked me the best way to Selfridges?…
I told him to put them on eBay…

[Makko]

I met an athlete, walking through the Olympic Village, carrying a long pole:
"Ahhh! Your a Pole Vaulter.", I said to him.

"No, I am German. How do you know my name?", he replied.

We must rigorously defend the abominably low standards of this thread, at all costs!

Rgds.
Dave

[Dartskipper]

Originally Posted by Makko

I met an athlete, walking through the Olympic Village, carrying a long pole:
"Ahhh! Your a Pole Vaulter.", I said to him.

"No, I am German. How do you know my name?", he replied.

We must rigorously defend the abominably low standards of this thread, at all costs!

Rgds.
Dave

He was followed by a chap trying to get in free to watch the Games. He had some long wooden poles under one arm, and a coil of barbed wire over his shoulder. When he got to Security, he was asked what competition he was entering.
"Fencing," he replied.

[Engine Serang]

The Irish Fencing Team had to withdraw from the Olympical Games; they ran out of creosote.

[BobClay]

Sixth year science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she replies. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time little Johnny raises his hand.
"Yes, Johnny?" says Mrs. Sampson.
"Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Johnny. Thank you."

Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says:
"Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

[Engine Serang]

Or 4 budgies.
But the fourth one has to perch on one leg.