virtual crazy gang, part II

[Red-17]

Originally Posted by billyboy

Wonder if she will do a short arm inspection to Tom. Bit shy about that me. Not my fault I was so far back in the queue when they were dishing it out.

I am not even going to ask for a please explain on that one billyboy. You will get the same inspection as everyone else, even if you are the Skipper, no excuses.

[Farmer John]

Red 17, if all else fails, you could do Tmac with the dart gun, we do have one, normally used if a port official shows unusual resistance to pecuniary arguments.
Drenching is normally done surreptitiously via the post examination drink, some object to being run through a race.

[YM-Mundrabilla]

Sadly, I will be on leave at the time of the medicals.
I will be visiting my grandmother. She was born in 1860 you know!

[Tmac1720]

Originally Posted by Red-17

Surely he has a suit of some sort that he can present in? I don't ask for much from him so is it too much to ask for him to present in a clean and tidy manner?

YES !!!! I don't do clean and tidy I is an injuneer.... by the way Squeek wouldn't be such a handful if 1, you spelt his name correctly 2, you bribed him with extra smelly cheese and 3, gave him a BIG kiss on the nose after surgery.

[Tmac1720]

Originally Posted by Farmer John

Red 17, if all else fails, you could do Tmac with the dart gun,

Dart gun.... DART GUN !!!!!! excuse me young sir the last person who attempted that found themselves riveted to the collision bulkhead... I believe the remains are still visible there to this day

[Dartskipper]

Originally Posted by Tmac1720

Dart gun.... DART GUN !!!!!! excuse me young sir the last person who attempted that found themselves riveted to the collision bulkhead... I believe the remains are still visible there to this day

Quite right Chief, the ribs sticking out are very handy for stowing the heaving lines.

[Farmer John]

Gulp!

You don't scare me, you silly injuneering type, anyway Red17 is holding the gun, 1st shot is a fast acting tranq.

Mercy me, I need to hide for about 5 years.

[billyboy]

Ah Tmac!...perhaps you would be so kind as to demonstrate a short arm parade to RED 17. You are better with words that I good sir.

[Red-17]

Originally Posted by Tmac1720

YES !!!! I don't do clean and tidy I is an injuneer.... by the way Squeek wouldn't be such a handful if 1, you spelt his name correctly 2, you bribed him with extra smelly cheese and 3, gave him a BIG kiss on the nose after surgery.

Thank you for your kind advice CE. I will certainly bribe Squeek with smelly cheese and he will receive a big kiss on the nose. However, YOU Sir do not scare me, despite your rough words.

[Red-17]

Originally Posted by Tmac1720

Dart gun.... DART GUN !!!!!! excuse me young sir the last person who attempted that found themselves riveted to the collision bulkhead... I believe the remains are still visible there to this day

You, Sir, do not scare me! I have not disclosed this before but in a previous life I was employed at a Wildlife Safari Park as an experienced marksman/markswoman. I never missed my subject when firing the dart gun to tranquilise recalcitrant beasts who had their eyes on one of the park rangers. They never knew what hit them, all they knew was that suddenly they were like kittens and purring sleepily.

I may be kind and genteel in my daily life but it would be unwise of you to push me too far, or any of my shipboard friends. Capiche?

[Red-17]

I really don't care who explains it to me as long as one of you does. If anyone is good with words it's Varley. Sorry Varley, maybe you are not well enough yet for the rough and tumble of the GD.

[Tom Alexander]

Originally Posted by Red-17

Surely he has a suit of some sort that he can present in? I don't ask for much from him so is it too much to ask for him to present in a clean and tidy manner?

The only other suit that he has, I believe, is his Birthday Suit, but that's probably in as bad a shape as his coveralls, including the grease, oil, etc.

[Tom Alexander]

Originally Posted by Red-17

I really don't care who explains it to me as long as one of you does. If anyone is good with words it's Varley. Sorry Varley, maybe you are not well enough yet for the rough and tumble of the GD.

OK Red - once upon a time, a certain person was a deck apprentice on a vessel trading from Manchester/Glasgow, through the Panama Canal and up the West Coast of the USA and Canada. It was, in the way of the sea, that some crew members would avail themselves of the pleasures of the flesh pots of Colon at the North end of the Panama Canal. Needless to say, there was a good chance they would pick up some kind of "social" disease which would not immediately make its presence known.
Upon reaching Los Angeles, however, any such disease would have probably incubated to the point where it could be physically identified by a qualified medical person examining the genitalia of the crew member in question.
No matter what the time of day or night, upon arrival in LA the entire crew would be ordered to muster in the officer's games room for a "short arm" inspection.
In turn, each crew member would be required to lay his "male" member out on the desk in front of the examiner, who in turn would use a flashlight to inspect said crew member's member for signs of unwanted discharge, putrescence, microscopic creepy crawlies, etc. Upon clearance each inspected crew member with a clean bill of health would be allowed ashore. Those not cleared would not be allowed ashore so as to protect the local female population from becoming in turn infected themselves.
This same procedure took place in many ports.

Talking about gender equality, the person reporting this never did find out whether the ship's stewardess was ever subject to similar treatment.

[billyboy]

Lets face it Tom. A female would have a hard job laying hers on the desk ha ha

[Red-17]

Originally Posted by Tom Alexander

OK Red - once upon a time, a certain person was a deck apprentice on a vessel trading from Manchester/Glasgow, through the Panama Canal and up the West Coast of the USA and Canada. It was, in the way of the sea, that some crew members would avail themselves of the pleasures of the flesh pots of Colon at the North end of the Panama Canal. Needless to say, there was a good chance they would pick up some kind of "social" disease which would not immediately make its presence known.
Upon reaching Los Angeles, however, any such disease would have probably incubated to the point where it could be physically identified by a qualified medical person examining the genitalia of the crew member in question.
No matter what the time of day or night, upon arrival in LA the entire crew would be ordered to muster in the officer's games room for a "short arm" inspection.
In turn, each crew member would be required to lay his "male" member out on the desk in front of the examiner, who in turn would use a flashlight to inspect said crew member's member for signs of unwanted discharge, putrescence, microscopic creepy crawlies, etc. Upon clearance each inspected crew member with a clean bill of health would be allowed ashore. Those not cleared would not be allowed ashore so as to protect the local female population from becoming in turn infected themselves.
This same procedure took place in many ports.

Talking about gender equality, the person reporting this never did find out whether the ship's stewardess was ever subject to similar treatment.

Oh!

[McCloggie]

Have just woken up in my cabin and the "Passage Tracker" shows we now are on the way to Poland.

I seem to have a very sore backside and a large plaster on my rear end. All I can remember is a gunshot and the words "this normally brings down elephants".

Having said that, I also have a note that says I have been medically examined, tested and found clear of any social diseases (it is a bit like Roswell really)

So, I can confirm to the rest of the crew that the medical check (after the tranquiliser) is indeed painless - I think!

McC

[Tmac1720]

Originally Posted by Red-17

You, Sir, do not scare me!

(Ha ! You haven't seen me naked yet :chuckle:

I may be kind and genteel in my daily life but it would be unwise of you to push me too far, or any of my shipboard friends. Capiche?

That sounds very suspiciously like a threat young lady One assumes you have the wherewithal to substantiate your proposed actions bearing in mind of course that your comfort and safety very much depends on the good will and acquiescence of the injuneering department. On several occasions I have been known to make "good morning" sound like a threat.
I would also point out that I have never laid a hand on you let alone pushed you however an exception can be made for a lady.
Finally I must beg your pardon as I was not aware you were of Italian nationality, otherwise I would have made you an offer you couldn't refuse.

[Dartskipper]

Cap'n Tom's mention of Colon brought back some memories, although not about the so - called "fleshpots." We found the flesh pots of Acapulco much more attractive, ahem....

Anyway, I thought that Colon was the most appropriately named place in the World.

[Red-17]

Originally Posted by McCloggie

Have just woken up in my cabin and the "Passage Tracker" shows we now are on the way to Poland.

I seem to have a very sore backside and a large plaster on my rear end. All I can remember is a gunshot and the words "this normally brings down elephants".

Having said that, I also have a note that says I have been medically examined, tested and found clear of any social diseases (it is a bit like Roswell really)

So, I can confirm to the rest of the crew that the medical check (after the tranquiliser) is indeed painless - I think!

McC

Humble apologies McGloggie. I have been so rattled by Tmacs recalcitrant attitude that when you came up from the direction of the injun room I thought that it might be Tmac and decided to shoot first and apologise later. I hope you had a nice sleep and I can assure you that all the proprieties were adhered to. Capt. Tom can vouch for that.

[Red-17]

Originally Posted by Tmac1720

That sounds very suspiciously like a threat young lady One assumes you have the wherewithal to substantiate your proposed actions bearing in mind of course that your comfort and safety very much depends on the good will and acquiescence of the injuneering department. On several occasions I have been known to make "good morning" sound like a threat.
I would also point out that I have never laid a hand on you let alone pushed you however an exception can be made for a lady.
Finally I must beg your pardon as I was not aware you were of Italian nationality, otherwise I would have made you an offer you couldn't refuse.

Kind Sir, I have no desire to argue with you but medical examinations and vaccinations are part and parcel of being a crew member. If you speak to McGloggie he can assure you that no harm was done to him and he had a nice nap afterwards. If you insist on turning up for your medical in a greasy and oily state then your medical will have to take place on deck. I will not risk cross infection in the sick bay. Please advise as to which you prefer; clean and private or grubby and public. NB. Squeek was a pussycat this year. Thank you for your advice about dealing with him.

My Italian heritage has saved me from harm on many occasions.

[McCloggie]

Red-17 said:

If you speak to McGloggie he can assure you that no harm was done to him and he had a nice nap afterwards

I have no desire to knock our medical team in any way and I am sure I will come to no harm. Admittedly, I did have a good sleep as well.

However, I feel unable to comment on the actual procedure as I was tranquilised for the entire time and (sadly) can remember nothing about what happened.

On top of everything else, in my Master at Arms role I now have to conduct an investigation and write a report on how I was accidently shot!

McC

[Dartskipper]

I expect the MaA's report will make interesting reading in due course, especially as most events on the GDII seem to go with a "bang."

[Tom Alexander]

Originally Posted by Red-17

Humble apologies McGloggie. I have been so rattled by Tmacs recalcitrant attitude that when you came up from the direction of the injun room I thought that it might be Tmac and decided to shoot first and apologise later. I hope you had a nice sleep and I can assure you that all the proprieties were adhered to. Capt. Tom can vouch for that.

I certainly can assure you that all the proprieties were ahdered to: - Before your private bits were exposed, Red was blindfolded, spun around three times, and told you were directly in front of her. She actually used her Amazonian blow dart device to inject the necessary. (Tmac, if you are listening, it may well be that Red will load her next dart coated with Curare, in sufficient quantity to put even you asleep.

[billyboy]

I doubt it Tom. Apart from a 10 minute nap in the control room Tmac never sleeps. He is awake 24/7 in order to keep our engines in tip top condition.

[Tmac1720]

Red 17, alas young lady while I have absolutely no doubt as regards your medical prowess and your discretion in all matters the unfortunate fact is as Sir William indicates that I am required to be awake 24/7 to maintain the safe and secure operation of the most complex machinery known to man and many other mechanical and electro-mechanical devices beyond the realm of ordinary mortals wot I has invented.

Squeek and Eric provide much needed assistance in this regard. I note your comment that Squeek was a pussycat on this occasion, this is easily explained, he is in love with YOU madam. Alas the lad is unversed in the ways of the world having led a sheltered life, all I ask is you be kind to the lad and while his love be unrequited do not destroy his dreams and break his little heart.

Eric shall attend for his medical just as soon as he finishes his watch. (he eats three a day and is costing me a fortune as he only eats Rolex)

Finally and if it may be of assistance to you, injuneers wot are covered in grease, grime and other diverse substances are fully germ resistant, NO germ, bug, virus or malady would DARE infect such a personage therefore I must respectfully advise you I have absolutely no need of your attention however well intended. In any event being a CE I have private medical arrangements with Nursie, so there na na na naaaaa na.