Airmiles? I thought gunpowder and aircraft were incompatible or is that only when mixed with primitives?

You only have to look at all the research the Hibernians do into making household stuff go bang and that is all the gunpowder stuff is supposed to do. The chief plastico tells me you have asked to hire the cabin underneath mine, E-S. May I ask what you intend using it for?

I'm starting to think you guys have never heard of weed killer and sugar.

Weed killer and sugar, never drank it. Is it any good? Is that a pint of it in your hand?

The nearest I've gotten is Brasso and hot milk, bit of a kick in it but buffs up your gold fillings something grand.

Never met an engineer yet that wasn't a Brasso drinker.

And did it ever show … you had to wear sunglasses if you were within 100 metres. (50 scale sunblock if you were within 10.)

Did you hear about the guy who ordered four Kindles from Amazon.

They sent him a 'Two Ronnies' DVD.

I can refute this, I bought myself, my wife and my two daughters a Kindle apiece for Christmas. They didn't even say thank you.

You should have bought them a set of plugs.

(13 amp.) :jump:

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,

the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Should have bought some "O's" in case the Kindles caught fire. :)

Barber jokes are good.:p

I went to the barbers last week and asked for it to be left long on the right, short on the left, cut a bald spot in the middle and make it stick up at the back.

' I can't cut it like that,' replied the barber.

'Well you did last time,' I said.

It cost me £5 for one Oxo cube today. The stock market's gone crazy!

geoff

A mother thinks there is something strange about her son so she has a DNA test done in secret.
After a long, nervous few days of waiting, the results finally come back.
She is shocked to find out that her son is not actually related to her or her husband at all.
With a heavy heart, she approaches her husband and tells him the truth.
“Honey,” she starts. “I’m so sorry to tell you this… but Johnny is not our biological son.”

The husband looks confused. “Well of course he isn’t! Don’t you remember?
We were leaving the hospital when he pooped himself so badly.
You told me, ‘Go and change the baby, I’ll wait here’.”

geoff

Some people are just not cut out for certain jobs ….

Eskimo goes into the local Eskimo restaurant and asks waiter what's on the menu.

Waiter says "We've got fried whale meat, boiled whale meat, whale meat stew and our Vera Lynn dish".

Eskimo says "The Vera Lynn dish sounds interesting, what's in it?"

Waiter says " Whale meat again" Don't know where don't know when".......

geoff

Boy am I glad I'm out of the groan-o-meter business … :D :sweat:

Bob, only because you only know good jokes now.

(Sniggers into hand)

Relax Bob, I have spare batteries for the meter. Your jokes always cause a Full Scale Deflection and eat the batteries, try to be less witty, a bit like ****** and ***********.

I'll have you know I tested all my jokes on my Mark 7 Neutronium Reinforced Carbon Fibre Super Groan-O-Meter before I use them.

(It's one of the reasons I'm no longer a Groanologist.) :supercool:

A young lady was up in court accused of defacing library books, namely removing all the full stops.
The judge informed her that if she did this sort of thing she should expect a long sentence.

Oh dear !!! … (even so I laughed.) :sweat:

Notgood for a woman to miss her periods/full stops:curtain_call:.

A young thug with his pants hanging half off his ass walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare.
I'd really rather have a job.
I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said
"Your timing is excellent.
We’ve just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
You started it." .....

geoff

https://www.shippinghistory.com/atta...1&d=1564430336

geoff

https://www.shippinghistory.com/atta...1&d=1564580667

geoff

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,
"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
He waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box.

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

geoff

What a punch line!

I'm almost tempted to go back into the groan-o-meter business.

ALMOST. :eek:

Bob,
I'm sure that something will tip you over the edge before long.
Just keep the meter in working order for the time being at least, please.:yawn:

The next Groanometer should have a switch to destroy it's unusually high impedance when working on sailor's low impedance humour. One wouldn't want it 'seeing' humour through an almost open circuit or what Pa would have called shit without wit. Not, of course, that we get that much of that here.

I was thinking of a completely non-electrical groan-o-meter. Say a catgut humidity detector that works on the principle that some jokes are so bad, everybody starts to cry which causes a sharp increase in humidity. :eek:

It would be interesting to build a recording meter, you could run it alongside a barograph and attempt to see if there is any correlation between humour and atmospheric pressure. I have long felt that there may be, with a linkage also to day length. A wet day in winter when it is threatening a windy whistle finds me short of laughs.

Ah but a good joke will have the Smokeroom pissing themselves.

We'll force them to wear astronaut style highly absorbent underpants ….. (let's be honest, half of them probably need to anyway.) :sweat:

OK....get the pants out Bob........

"My car broke down so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine.

He said “Hello Sir, you are a handsome fellow and very nicely dressed too".

I could see the problem...

Bat flattery"

geoff

TWANG !!!!!!

(Catgut snapped on my prototype.)

Back to the drawing board.:smoking:

I can see one problem there. It is horsehair you need. Cat gut is for ungaping wounds and for violinning. One needs far fewer animals in the supply chain too, although they do need feeding.

You might think of raising roses at the same time. Doesn't solve the potential urinary problem 'though.

I'm a biker. I don't raise roses. (Untangles tongue.) :sweat:

I'm a biker, I gang bang Roses...………. and Rosies, and Sharons and Treacys. For some reason we bikers seldom meet a Camilla or Lavinia or Allegra or Sophia, perhaps their ballgowns catch in the chain.

So there's not much chance of a Lucinda Fortesque-Smythe then ?

Lucinda might have a younger sister. Want me to ask?