Humour is the best medicine; the National Grid are looking for a Lecky, and we have one to spare!

Power off in North Cornwall for half an hour. Didn't think about it being a national problem, since it happens on a regular basis, regardless of time of year.

Never mind North Cornwall parts of Yorkshire lost power !

Not me.

They have electricity in Yorkshire ?? ….. Pull the other one …. :big_tongue:

Electricity? No, power.

We have power.

Geoff

What? eh? Why call me surely they're gas? I think I saw flickering but it seems fine now.

A long time ago … (only not in a galaxy far far away.) :sweat:

Trump V Pope
 

Trump V Pope

How Yodelling came about :


How yodelling came about :


An old tramp was walking in the mountains in Switzerland and feeling tired he went to a farm to ask the farmer for shelter.


The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn for the night.


The farmer’s daughter asked her dad who it was that has just gone in the barn, and he replied “Just an old tramp who wanted shelter”.


The daughter took a bottle of wine to the man in the barn and came back an hour later looking a bit roughed up.


The farmer’s wife knew what she had been up to and so she too took a plate of food in to the tramp and then came back later with her clothes in a mess.


The following morning the daughter asked where the tramp had gone.


“I sent him on his way” said the farmer.


“What for?” asked the daughter “I had great sex with him last night”.


The farmer put his head through the window and shouted “Hey you, you old tramp, you had sex with my daughter”


The tramp cupped his hands to his mouth and called out in reply “ANDTHEOLDLADYEEETOO”.

A wise Italian said to his son:

When you learn why a Pizza is round,
And is put in a square box,
And is eaten in triangles

You will be able to understand women!

geoff

Belly laughed at this one …. :p

:applause: :applause:

OK OK, as a former anorak wearing groan-o-meter spotter, I'll be the first one to admit this is really bad: :eek:

I said to the baker: "How come all your cakes are 50p, but that one is £1 ?"

He replied: "That's Madeira cake."

(Retreats to neutronium hardened bunker.)

Ah So, that's why it's called a Pound Cake in America.

I can't deny this has to rate as one of the worst jokes ever … enough to render any groan-o-meter into a pile of molten junk. :eek:

I still laughed though …. :eat_arrow:

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning –though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

Road sign
 

Attachment 1528

Attachment 1529

The farmer in Co. Kerry in Ireland was visiting his fields when he saw a tourist with a bike attempting to drink from a stream. The farmer called out in Gaelic "Don't drink from that. It's full of cow s**t!"
The tourist shouted back "I'm British and I can't understand you. Talk to me in English!"
"Use both hands. You'll get more of it!" :big_tongue:


I am long married to an Irish girl, have been an Irish resident for thirty years and with a large Irish family. One night over a few beers and taking the p*ss out of each other, my brother-in-law said "You know why Irish jokes are so simple?"
"No?"
"So that you English can understand them!"


Then the pub sign in Dublin: "Full seven course Irish dinner -- six pints and a potato."

Micheal said to his friend Paddy, you Know that new pub that has opened in Killybegs.
Well, you get free drinks and can go in the back and have sex.
Pady said this is hard to believe.
Oh, no said Micheal it is true as my sister told me.

I have some kitchen skills ….

A road sign seen in Jamaica "undertakers love overtakers"

A depressed young man went into the local library.
He asked the librarian if they had any books about suicide.
Yes she replied but you can't have it.
Why he asked.
Because you won't bring it back!!!!

I'd call is Rex …. (maybe there should be a tyrannosaurus in there somewhere … ) :

A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
' I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.' ' What type of bra? ' asked the clerk.
' Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type? '
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
' Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from. '
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
' There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer? ‘

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, ' It is all really quite simple.'
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.
Oh and Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD , E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

Personally I'd stick with 'Rex,' … (as in Tyrannosaurus.) ;)

A loud pounding on the front door awakened a man and his wife at 3:00 am. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," replies the husband. "It is three in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that ?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him ?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's three in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there !"
"Well you have a short memory," says the wife. "Can't you remember about a month ago when our car broke down, and those two guys helped us ? I think you should go and help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself."
Feeling guilty the man gets up to do as she says and goes outside into the pounding rain. He calls out in the dark: "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes, " comes a reply.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes please," comes a reply from the dark.
"Where are you ?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

Ahhh the wonders of technology …. :sweat:

Is Alexa dolphin friendly?

"Life is not the way it's supposed to be - it's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."
After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?"
And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.

♫ Now I'm a believer … ♪

I don't believe it.

That was then, this is now.

I believe it's called an 'epiphany.' :p

Google
 

I don't need Google!
Our Lass knows everything,
and she is NEVER wrong!!
(If I want to wake up in the morning).

Does she ever say to you: "Resistance is futile." :eek:

It's when she starts calling you 'Dave' that you really need to worry.

I decided to test my new super-strengthened heavily armoured groan-o-meter on this joke.

RIP groan-o-meter. :eek:

Bob. You really should know better. Now everyone knows there's a new groan-o-meter...…...

Probably no longer. I doubt it survived the sea trial.