you forgot jackhammered, reamed or countersunk.

The lad will never make an injuneer, cries for his Mummy a lot and has no staying power. :paper:

We have contracted by the Swan Brewery to convey 550,000 gallons of Fosters Lager in 40 gallon drums to Darwin to be used as a poison to help eradicate their advancing cane toad population. The Fosters is dyed green and to be delivered to Darwin on, or before March 17th. Fortunately we have no liability for misuse of the product as it leaves our vessel at quayside. :supercool:

Green Fosters is far more dangerous than Octel TEL, order Hazmat suits and extra BA bottles. 4 or 5 stomach pumps should suffice in case T and V broach the cargo, remember they have "previous". I regard this as a mission of mercy and we will be rewarded in the next world.
BB, FJ and TA to carry out a bloody good search for stowaways prior to departure and keep a good gangway watch, Cardinal Pell could be wandering about the docks and V is still at a vulnerable age.(and an impressionable age, although my size 10 has made little impression on his backside when trying to teach him to undercut the micas).

Barratry? Not I (perhaps accessory before the fact). Certainly not after if it is that muck. They couldn't even have one for criminal conversion as it is what it is when it comes out as when it goes in (perhaps the kidneys would remove the green).

Anyway 17th March I am on study leave. Studying the Guildhall catering on the Friday and rising again on the Sunday. And if I sleep through until Monday it will have the added bonus of missing that bloody green parade that seems to occur when I visit the smoke in March, of for the last three times anyway. No idea what it is. The first time I thought it must have been celebrating plumbers but despite trying I couldn't make out anyone that I had bumped into on the Friday.

Mica? I thought you were strictly AC. Commutators are rather like prostates. Adequate throughput must be maintained for optimum performance. Not too much, though, or the droop will suffer.

If we are now storing with canned toads we do need a change of chief steward. I will have to start stocking up with Wendy's from the Golden Leaf Mall again before we cast off. Annoys the cook but not half as much as canning does the toads.

Green Fosters eh!...Hmmmmm methinks Tmac could possibly find a use for that. I know he has been in his drawing office under the plates inventing something.

You can smell the hot crayons.

As long as he doesn't grump if we don't let him stick them to the bar fridge or uses a current chart (one can tell. The coffee stains still run if a drop of gripetini on an asbestos cloth is used).

I am not sure that appending the tackle of what I can only describe as virile donkey 'at the height of its powers' to the Isle of Wight constitutes either art or technical drawing. Two plastico's fainted when that one was pinned up and another is still pestering everyone for the model's address.

At least from the crew's comments, it appears that the Fosters is indeed an efficacious pesticide and helpful in eradicating the cane toad. Perhaps there has been an over indulgence in the product which acknowledges that is has powerful effects on anything that has a pulse. There is no reason for any crew member to broach our cargo -- and better not be found out at that as we have a healthy bonus for a 0% loss.

Apart from that, why anyone would want to drink Fosters when we have such a comprehensive selection of craft brews aboard I find completely unfathomable. :yawn:

I believe Fosters is derived from the pots formerly left out for the collection of household micturations for use in tanning leather. Rugby players got into the habit of grabbing any container of liquid and drinking it off and the habit spread. Thus was invented the phrase "amber nectar".

Crocodile Dundee (cake).

I think there is a problem obtaining crocodile except in bulk. Impossible to include in a fruit cake mix without having too much left-over. I might add that I do not want your careless suggestions ending up with me having to get a CITES certificate before I post half the Christmas cake across to my sister-in-law.

Engine Room bilges are a mess, indeed a bit of a swamp and I wouldn't be surprised if crocks perhaps gators are breeding down there. Some class of a beast made a lunge for Tmac's foreskin whilst he was having his mid-morning pee in the bilges. Luckily he had a spare on the shelves. As they say: you can take the man out of Belfast but you can't...……………..

We wonder if your long suffering sister-in-law looks forward to the postman arriving on Christmas Eve with a parcel of density similar to mercury. One hopes her misfortune is not amplified by having to live in or on the Isle of Man.

still got some Scrumpy and draught guinness in our tanks Tom. we could get some deck chairs and have a Monkey Island party.

Oh yes, I'm up for that. A few monkey's and we can have a deck chair party. I have just been offered a small package of Tiger Nuts, if we marinade them in Mole-asses we should be well away. :eat_arrow:

I hope there is no leakage of that into the port wing port tank (or should that be the port port wing tank) the black draught has the same effect as Nursie's used to, especially with curry, and scrumpy contamination raises the flashpoint above that permitted without a cofferdam (and tends to rot the transfer pump impeller).

That damned relieving chief really must not compare his Aunty O'Shaugnessy's Hibernian Yuletide concrete and potato rock cake with True-British Christmas cake (pom, pom, tiddle-tiddle pom...). There is no point in him trying to use it to ballast the deck chairs for Sir W's extravaganza. Something altogether denser is required.

Well, I suppose a very, very angry tiger will keep the thesaurus from scrabbling the furniture but the terriblytactiles won't like it that it's eaten two of the plasticos that used to leave them scraps too.

I find Tiger nuts a tad on the chewie side and much prefer Lion Balls which have a unique piquancy and texture quite palatable on the tongue, quite the epicurean delight. However I am reliably informed that the flavour and delacy of a maiden hailing from the IoM is beyond compare but alas I fear Mr Varley has exhausted any such remaining creature due in part to his voracious appetite for nubile examples of the breed.

Alas my days of partaking of curry are now a dim and distant memory due to deterioration of the pipework to the sludge tank. Nobody ever told me that Coasties famed Anchovy curry had a lethal side effect in that is was twice as hot on the way out as it was on the way in. I understand a Mr Jonathan Cash wrote a ballad about it called "ring of fire" Such was the devastating effect on my stern gland it required cooling in an ice bucket which I conveniently found on the crew bar counter. :big_tongue:

I don't know how to break this to you Tmac, old man. But if those maidens, from wherever, have got balls then they ain't been maidens, ever!

Ice in the crew bar? They'll be agitating for Fever-tree splits next. "Let them eat cake" (Just not Aunty O'Shaugnessy's, can't have that aboard. Not without a draught survey anyway) .

Ah yes Coastie...Miss that guy. mis his soup in the basket meals too. He had a unique skill with the Breville that lad.

I think that during our Monkey Island Deckchair Party we should have a five minute reverie for our long lost friends Coastie, Dom, Barnes the doorman, and others lost in the abyss such as Pats, Mary, Red, CED, Nursie, and others who escape my memory at the moment. Here's to them all:Pint:

:pint::pint::pint: and also Laura, Ships Artist..... Cheers!

Indeed, Cheers (but then I am known, as are others, that I will drink to any damned thing)

GD2 needs fresh blood and I beg permission to make a modest proposal:


Our old shipmate from The Other Place, Captain Dick Brooks is at a bit of a loose-end. We should offer him the gangway of friendship and invite him aboard our fast and commodious vessel. We have many happy hours ahead of us listening to his swashbuckling tales of derring-do. A Boys (sic) Only extravaganza.


Pitcairn here we come.

Fresh blood? Why does mine foam if not fresh?

Like a guest speaker on a passenger vessel? The only objection to welcoming a Distressed Bragging Seafarer is that his tales might damage the lamp. Is there such a thing as a three axis dashpot we might retrofit to moderate its swinging or might he be too busy writing to actually entertain us in the flesh?

(And I am not sure you referring to his adventures as sick is really very welcoming).

get him to come aboard for an interview in my suite. Bound to be a position for him aboard here.

Might one schizophrenically suggest the Brig. With no access to pencil or paper.

It will nice to have someone to keel-haul, all the old punishments are going unused. I expect he will be happy to take a vow of silence for the next 7 years.

A good night out does not have to end with a big feed of Pork Vindaloo and a few pints of Wallop with the wee waiters running up and down the restaurant with galvy buckets of bot tunda pani.


Might I suggest a mild Chicken Korma and a glass of unexceptional buttery Chardonnay. The following morning a read of the Belfast Telegraph, when having a George, will take your mind of the messy business. Man-Up.

I am a dabbish hand at the ruby-murray-making myself. Never moderated to the point the flavour is lost in a high density flux escaping from the containment. There is no risk of hydrogen evolution during the process however some ablutionary processes that follow in the morning may contribute to flammable gas hazard.

My lime pickle even passes muster with some of my subcontinental colleagues.

Inclusion of pickled Brussel sprouts to the sauce is a recent variation that has yet to be properly calibrated. Fenugreek has, for some reason disappeared from the usual sources here which usually means the Hibernian occupiers have managed to find something new they can make oxidise very, very quickly.

Pardonny Moi young man but I'll have you know I can weld armour plate with one of my curry powered farts.... mild Chicken Korma indeed :p that's for wimps, unless it leaves scorch marks in your jock strap it isn't worth eating.

Further as a Norn Iron native you should know better than diss a wee Ruby Murray:applause:

David I have it on good authority that deep fried Brussels sprouts are available in some good eateries in Glasgow and lots of shit ones as well. :D

Brazing, when brazing is needed, you are a master. Korma brazing is vital.

All those drums of Fosters now loaded. Was going to hoist the Blue Peter, but with it being the tail end of a hot summer here, I couldn't find a blue peter anywhere. Found a few contracted, wrinkled ones. Engine Serang's was covered in purple spots -- should seek medical attention or at least borrow my jar of gentian violet.

Sailing in the morning after a full English on the Garden Deck. :)

I don't think one can even solder with Korma. One can probably use MIG to electrically glue bronze (Madrasi Incendiary Gas). TIG (Tandoori Intensive Gluing) might just do it if not 'Admiralty' grade. The old hands, of course, use stick welding for all sort. What used to be called ARC (Anal Reamer Curry). Whatever, I agree we should be on deck, upwind of the sanitary exhaust.

Nice breakfast, steward -- my complements to the cook. Could I get a couple of generous splashes of Four Bells in my coffee, please? :)

If we are on the garden deck for breakfast can someone ring down to finish with water on deck. My fried egg would have floated off had it not been anchored by the fried bread (one corner ballasted with a bottle of morning port). I took a shufty at the barograph after the 0800 traffic list. It is obviously not working, the water level has reached 'fine' when it remain Beaufort rain 8 outside.

Bugger, that's my other sausage washed over the side, I should have pinned it down with griptini olive pick.

An Olive Prick, who allowed the Italians to sign-on?

If you had an Ulster Fry, as Tmac advised, such a calamity would not have befell you. The Full-English is far too delicate to withstand the conditions in the garden Deck. A lard and dripping infused Full Ulster has been known to see-off a medium tsunami washing across the GD". Be a good boy now and do what Uncle Tommy tells you.

Hey Gang.. guess who... looking for a new Budgie and may have found one..

That must be the bottle for the biggest soda siphon I have ever seen.