Don't start me on Port State Control. I could write a book, and probably will.

Have a word with Mr Varley. He likes Port and likes to control the state of it.

Well, continuously monitor its state anyway.

Careful sampling and comparison must be done.

I sympathise with you T, but NO you can't.

A more unedifying spectacle than a McCooey trying to manage Guinness, fried egg, black pudding and fried soda at a Cock&Arse would be hard to imagine. FJ and V would be mortified, V tries to maintain Denholms standards in the smokeroom. Red Sea Rig and all that but, alas he just don't have the savvy fair to carry it off. Sad really but living in a social backwater doesn't help. IOM twinned with the Bayou's off Louisiana in that respect, but yet to mess with cousins.

I have the savory flare alright. I just don't have the socks.

Tmac is sitting behind the STP with a furrow of concentration on his brow and in his lap my copy of Debrett's New Guide to Etiquette & Modern Manners. He believes Old Manners have been superseded by mobile phones and loose morals. Red 17 thinks that deep down there's a touch of the Kirk about him. It's quite deep.

Who the feck is this Kirk matelot?... and what is he doing in my injun room?.. I am concentrating on this book ES trying to work out who would buy a book with no pictures of nubile ladies in it. :smoking:

It's all well and good this manners malarkey, I usually find a swift kick in the nuts does just as well to get your point across. :(

Oh I say Tmac who kicked you in the nuts? Very unsporting.

Just eased the course a little further Westwards, we are doing well.

The last person to attempt such an act had to undergo surgery to extract my flogging spanner from his arras. :mad: Poor lad spent weeks in a fruitless search for his scrotum which is currently nailed to the pump room bulkhead. :very_sad:

Is this where you get your uncannily accurate weather forecasts from? Degree of wrinkling and so on would work I imagine.

It does indeed but the Waiter generally drops the tray of drink, not a Win-Win situation.

Far better to drink the drink then later on, with your uniform gloves, slap him across the cheeks. Not them ones, you tit. Such behaviour makes him feel a total asre and he then takes your point on board.

Course change to ensure that we don't fall off the edge (of the chart, of course) or is it to lengthen our voyage with the nuns some of whose habits are actually quite delightful. :flowers:

YM you disappoint me with your smutty comments. Wash your mouth out with soap and water.

Plumbers should know of that whereof they post (or have at least a briefs acquaintance bar that left by the Maytag).

My sentiments exactly.

We have edged past the bloated belly of Brazil and are now delicately threading our way through sundry clusters of island.

ES, we should all wash out our mouths with soap and water, we are all smutty. I feel a deep sense of sin washing over me, it's great.

There are so many bloated bellies on this ship that you had no difficulty in recognising another on the coast of Bra-zil. You may have more difficulty recognising a lighthouse.

ES, no, it will have a bloody great light somewhere near it.

Injuneers, unless it has a load of oil all over it they think it is imaginary.


And if it has they can't wait to take it to bits or eat it.

You confuse 'well tempered constitution' with 'bloat'.

Just learned the Nun with expensive glasses is a Mother superior. I found she was far superior to the sisters I had experienced earlier,

Deny everything, we aren't gentlemen and we can't afford that kind of malarkey.

I think the conventional position to get to be a mother is the inferior (let us discount those few enthusiasts that favour standing in a hammock).

More than one position? Where will it all end.

On the deck?

FJ, my advice to you is to do what TA would do in similar circumstances, namely head for the nearest convenient port and land these divisive holy wemen soonest.

The smell of their carbolic soap is turning some of your officers into Teddy Meldrums, and it is most unsettling for us elder lemons. And remember charterers don't like dispoiled cargo.

Two days to docking, the cargo has been entertaining and learned, we will all be better people for having mixed with these ladies of high moral standing and erudite knowledge.

One or two of the crew have been a little giggly because they were unused to mixing with female company.

I have been slightly alarmed at the amount of money I have lost to them at Poker, but that is my foolishness and they have agreed to take the money in yearly payments. This is now reflected in my will and passes as a liability to my descendants.

We will miss their unfailing cheerfulness, it can be rather wearing at times, but they have observed the ban on passengers on the bridge so those in the know have had a refuge from the constant hymn singing and the clash of rosary beads.

We can replenish our draw down on Rum from my special reserves, the cigars are not a great loss, they never got the very best, the spittoons will be removed when the passengers leave, they were at best aspirational.

I have ordered a "deep clean" once we have said goobye to our guests. The alleyways will require some painting after the football games.

To say nothing of the engineers' flat after the Hurling and Shinty championships. :shock:

Vigorous ladies. They don't all put the seat down, either.

Well here we are, all moored up and awaiting new orders (and the return of Tom after his trip. Hope it is going well.

Deep clean gang have complained about the rude drawings on the wall, but most of the rest of it has come up well. Who would have thought nuns would have brought a portable welder to inscribe comments? Oh well, we live and learn.

Who's coming ashore for a couple of gallons of beer?

Anyone been here before? You can't walk anywhere and the whole place is not "Have a Beer" friendly.

Back to the ship, Horse doofers will be laid on, the Tiki bar will be opened on the deck, drinks are on me.

Couple of gallons of beer ?? pah lightweight.... now make that a couple of gallons of Black Bush and now yer talkin' :pint::pint::pint: Thirsty work down in the pit y'know :applause:

Miami is full of Democrats all debating. There are masses of them. Any one got a favoured destination? Mass debating holds no attractions to me.

right who's for a run ashore in good old Miami. Nice hotel bar not far away from here. great stock of drinks too!.

I'm heading to Miami Beach, much more my scene and I'll start the evening with a big burger in The News Café, grub on-board very bland to suit Their Holinesses.

Intend spending the rest of the evening drinking CL's with some little Cuban lady and finishing up in a small, pastel coloured hotel. Happiness.

And youse loosers' can spend the evening squabbling about Dives on Brickell Avenue.

Then there was the sex ed. class where the instructor informed the class that there were 27 positions in which to engage in sex. He started by saying that one is the "Missionary position" where the man lays directly on the top of the woman. A voice with a hint of amazement sounded from the back of the class "28" !!

Please be informed that I am indeed back from my road trip, graduation ceremony, etc., after putting about 2,500 miles on the motor home. Had a good time, and am glad that the crew of the GD have behaved themselves in the manner and decorum with which I would expect. I am pleased that you managed to blend with our passengers to the extent that you all got nun at some point in the voyage. When you've all had your relief run ashore, please join me on the pool deck for drinks on my tab! :pint:

Hip-Hip-Horray
Auld Misery Guts is back, bearing tales of a motorhome.
Donkeyman, where's my ear muffs.

Don't call him 'misery guts' until we have seen how far that tab stretches.

(Ear muffs. Is it that cold down there?)

Since ES has been consigned to the nethermost pit of Hell (which, as any fule kno, is frozen) he will be glad to use a muff.