Your wit and repartee is exceeded only by your Easter Solemnity. You are truly a Christian.

More than a hint of the heathen I would have thought.

An odd word, Christian. Culture, superstition, compliment, calling, persona, 'colour'.

Our parents were quite happy to leave us in the care of a headmaster all thought queer. "Because they knew him to be a good Christian Gentleman". I emphasis that they were right to do so.

head lines
 

A patient in a psychiatric hospital escaped by going through the laundry facility.
As he had been isolated for some time when passing through he sexually accosted one of the ladies working there.
The newspaper headlines were
Nut screws washer and bolts.

CYCLOPS: "How do you spell Hawaii ?"

WIFE (biting lip) : "Well I think you need 2 i's."

CYCLOPS (putting pen down) : "My life is just a joke to you isn't it Linda ?"

Lakercapt, nice to see "BS308" stuck with you! We had Ron Williams for O Level E.D. in Mosslands - Things that should not be "hatched" when producing a sectioned (hence reference to psychiatric care!) drawing.

Ron was a Cadet with one of the first intakes at Birkenhead Tech in 1968/9 (Anglo Saxon Oil) and was taught by my Dad. He later ended up at Mosslands (previously Wallasey Technical Grammar - unique in Britain) as an engineering and drawing teacher without a teaching certificate - My father having argued, successfully, on his behalf, based on his industry credentials (one I remember, designing Tyre moulds for Pirelli in Milan!) and Marine Eng. HND.

I worked briefly with Ron at the Laird Foundation, prior to starting on a permanent position, when I relocated to the UK during 2000 - 2006. Unfortunately, he died in retirement, having at last bought a horse which he was riding at West Kirby/Red Rocks. He fell from the horse, suffering a severe cranial trauma and cardiac arrest. RIP Ron Williams. I must say, his character never changed, always good humoured and with a sly joke on the tip of his tongue!

Rgds.
Dave

What should you do if you're addicted to seaweed ?

Sea kelp.

Bob, in these difficult times you might curtail your testing of the Groan-o-meter.

Week 5 of the lockdown. Bob boils and eats his groan-o-meter. :eek:

Only 5 weeks, that's hardly a slow steam to the Gulf. With only Ras Tan to look forward to.

Did that a few times via the Cape. Groan-o-meters on toast most of the way there and most of the way back .. (all the way if we stored via a chopper off Capetown.) :p

Collateral damage ….. :eek:

Or Foot 'n Mouth.

Covid-19
 

I am a strong believer in at least two things in this life:

• There is security in obscurity
• Never volunteer for anything

Naturally, I will not be taking part in this government initiative but may well check on some young lady students down the street to see if their passports are valid.

But they mean well Joe ….

A strange shade of whitey brown.

And no JPR, Thorburn, Windsor, Price or Faulkner!

I gotta stop drinking Rum …. :eek:

I have had to. Wine Cellar is out of Lambs Gravy and, after last night, so am I.

About a month before my uncle died we greased his back with lard. He went downhill fast after that.

Tried that but doesn't seem to work, Uncle has a tummy rash and we keep sliding off.

Twanged something in my gut laughing at this …. (I've cleaned it up a bit as I know seafarers don't like bad words. :p )

I was offered a job polishing mirrors.

Turned it down, I couldn't see myself doing that.

I am adding a mechanical overload preventer to the latest groan-o-meter. The giggle based governor circuit is obviously not up to the mark, the pointer's already got a bend in it.

You might not like the guy, and I'll be the first to admit he's a bit of a party pooper … but at least he's considerate enough to wear a face mask in these troubled times …:p

Bet his jacket could tell a few tales.

Another molasses joke....

The mole family went for a walk.

First came baby mole, then mummy , then daddy mole.

Baby mole says " Mummy ! Mummy ! I can smell sugar ! "

Mummy moles doesn't answer .

Baby mole gets rather exited " Mummy ! Mummy ! I can smell sugar ! "he shouts.

Mummy mole says " That's not sugar, sweetie ! That's honey ! "


Daddy Mole says rather grumpily " All I can smell round here is mole a***s !"


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtxbM7-jAD0

As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to play & sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to sing. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I sang from my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost….

As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

As did I.
This is the most convincing joke I've heard in a long time.

PS. Are you a tenor or baritone?

Any more of these ? Where can I find them?

ATB

Laure

If you Google 'The eyeballs in the sky' and select images you'll get a few results ... :D

An honest mistake .... :smoking:

Thin ice, covering a minefield, floating on a lake of nitro-glycerine. :shock:

I knew that.
But never knew not to say it.
Cheers Bob.

An Englishman was taking a driving holiday across Australia's vast outback when he spotted a solitary bar in the middle of nowhere. Thinking a cold beer would be nice in this heat he stopped, went in and ordered a beer. Needing to pee he asked the bar man where the Gents was.

"Though that door and out back," the barman replied.

He went through the door and found he was out in the open, a vast desert stretching to the horizon. Then he noticed to his left, a small pile of droppings, alongside a damp patch. He looked right and there was another small pile of droppings alongside another damp patch.

"Well this is a bit basic," he said to himself. "But needs must." So he stepped left and started to pee on the damp patch.

Then another customer came through the door wearing a side up hat with corks dangling, a bush jacket and khaki shorts. He stepped to the right to pee.

"Gidday gidday mate," said the newcomer. "Yer not from round here are ya ?"
"Well no I'm not," replied the Englishman. "How can you tell ?"
"Well you're pissing in the lady's Dunny," replied the Oz.

I entered 10 puns in a pun contest hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.

Church of Scotland Minister had 3 sons, two whom followed him into the cloth, and Jack who (of course) went to sea.
Christmas was always spent at the father's manse and one year, Jack was off the ship and was able to be there.

Xmas morning : the father was standing with his back to the roaring fire when No 1 son comes down.
'Merry Christmas my son, and how did you sleep?'
'Father I slept wonderfully , dreamt I was in heaven, - it was just like home'
' Wonderful' says the father, 'come and stand by my right hand and warm yourself at the fire'.

No. 2 son arrives.
'Merry Christmas my son, and how did you sleep?'
'Father, I slept wonderfully. I dreamt I was in heaven, and it was just like home'
'Ah my boy, come and stand by my left hand and warm yourself at the fire'

Enter a very hungover Jack - eyes like p***holes in the show, severe case of the shakes etc.
Oh dear thinks his father - still it's Christmas....
'Merry Christmas my son, and how did you sleep?'
'Like sh1t. Dreamt I'd gone to Hell, and it was just like home'
'Hell? Just like home?'
' Yeah - I couldn't get near the fire for Ministers'


A little out of season, but after all 'The nights are fair drawin in'

an old man was walking down the street passing a young lady she she said to the old man excuse me but your fly is undun he replied a dead bird carnt fall out of its nest

Could he smell raw fish?

If you took all the bolts out of the Eiffel Tower, and laid them end to end ... the tower would fall down. :eek: