That, Sir W, would have depended on whether the job was pre or post prandial!

(I hope the ECDIS function is restored too. The pig iron polishers seem to think they are being kept in the dark over the winnings of 'guess the day's run').

A day's run on this rusting bucket is a big duck egg. And us grounding quietly on a reef of Tennants cans.

Mr Varley, young sir it is apparent that you underestimate the ability of the black gang or pig iron polishers as you colloquially refer to us highly trained and competent band of piston lickers.

WE determine just how far this fine vessel goes and the rate of knots allowed to the deckie type persons who merely point the sharp end in the general direction of land. All we ask is that they avoid bumping into things like icebergs, islands, other ships or reefs of Tennants cans.

Any further denegration of the injun wallahs will see my deputy ES play a percussion solo on your kneecaps. Now forgive me if I retire back to my kip, it's been a long and frustrating night as the pages of my anatomical publications appear to be stuck together with some sort of fish glue.

Typical plumber. You have to parse a word beyond the first two letters, a vector is not only velocity. When not scraping the pretty ladies off the cans with our barnacles that lot are just as likely to be steering round in circles (to port, of course, and with that big valve thing behind the binnacle fully open).

Percussion? The rumour here was that you had got on a bit further than black powder and fulminate of mercury.

Lord ECTIS, high and mighty, probably doesn't know the essential difference between Vector Charts and Raster Charts for the infernal machine.
Vector Charts have velocity but Rasters have direction, Steer 266 degrees and so on.
Be careful when you bandy words with my Boss; that bit of pig iron he is polishing, well you could be eating it. Tastes of carbon and spheroidals and not very palatable.
Beware.

No, man, rasters just provide the rhythm.

Raster is just dots, vector is much more intelligent.

Vector Meldrew.

Did somebody call?

Are we anchored off Ocho Rios? I rather hope not.

Where did you come upon the photograph of Mr V in ceremonial rig? It was taken in 2017 for the State Opening of the High Court of Tynwald, he is kitted out as Mr Speaker.

We like to portray the Island as subtropical. The sun tan is just part of the PR but we will have to have a blitz on the Court headgear. If the first Deemster's proclaiming of new law in Manxter Rap gets HM's approval we will do it again next year.

(I suppose the passing of the CRT has left 'raster' as dot-like but really it was lines rather than dots. More heroin than LSD).

More heroin than LSD.

Very droll.

See below for new IOM National Anthem;

Ole ole, ole ole
Ole ole, ole ole
Yessa, haha
Yes, girls

Me mind on fire, me soul on fire
Feeling hot, hot, hot
Party people all around me
Feeling hot, hot, hot

Just like the money in its bank vaults it's Hot Hot Hot.

https://youtu.be/rbc_LxfhSoY

Some, as in every jurisdiction, may be unclean however here it remains as credit or numismatical (the latter free of specie which rattles too much in the spin cycle). I gather in rebel Hibernia that the natives, also natives of other climes (perhaps know for its cold winters than sunny choruses), prefer to convert it into 'real estate'.

Ought I bring my Philips School Atlas of the World up to the Bridge because I fear they don't know where we are and are too embarrassed to let on. I think Mr Trump may have turned the Sat-Nav gizmos off as the final sting of a dying wasp. Or King Bee.

drifting around aimlessly like this is boring. someone suggest a port and I will aim us toward it. a good run ashore will do us all good I think.

Marsa el Brega with all dispatch.

so be it!...Now lets see... type it into the ECDIS and press go.....push these two sticks halfway forwards. Re set Radars warnings ect; and off we jolly old pop. Mediterranean here we come.

Its great to see an expert practicing his art. No oul chart corrections crap or passage plans, berth to berth.
Push these two sticks halfway forwards, wait until the thick black smoke changes to a light haze then push full forwards and we are FAOP.
Heigh Ho.

we will call in at gib for bunkers and stores en route guys. should be there in three days. Our currant possition is about one inch north of Farmer Johns circle on the map thingy.

If there are any more problems with currants on the mapdis screen I will have to ask you not to take mincepies on watch with you.

The mapdis screen is touch sensitive and currants tend to lead to electrical problems (we have all heard of stray currants being responsible for all-sorts of sticky situations). However currants are less damaging than crap, corrected or otherwise (the reason being that sparkie has a 'thing' about emptying crap out of navigational aids).

E-S must look elsewhere for his economic haze, the currant through either enscreened crap or encrumbled mincepie is not usually enough to generate smoke from deposits of foreign matter - if it were we would not use a Trident but pass 'it' through a simple low-carbon eco-friendly 4 or 5 MW arc furnace.

Can we make sure we avoid Corruna on our way to Gib? Those djagos don't treat distressed vessels very well and there aren't many vessels more likely to be distressed than GD with a bridge watch that is too busy eating mincepies.

NO.

We will NOT avoid La Corruna.

I have decided to walk the Sinner Varley on the CAMINO DE SANTIAGO to Santiago de la Compostela. This walk will tone-up his already muscular body and will show him there is more to religion than Archbishops and Incense.

The closest that Varley will get to that is to eat scallops and provide a few more shells.

I know, but we must make an effort.

I estimate at our currant rate of knots, tide behind us and galley stove on we should make Gib in 48 hours. (man I can smell the pub from here.

Just cast the first stone I dare you! (I am writing this in the voice of Brian Blessed).

Incense and graven images. Two instances where 'we' do not follow Italianate practices (her ladyship only needs your given name to determine the cut of your altar and dress of your shaman).

More than theatre, music and fine prose? I envy you your comfort.

(Flagellation, phylacteries and other mortifications of the flesh have their places, of course. Usually ones shared with young ladies offering French lessons).

Will you stop trying to couple the galley stove to the shaft. I need it for satellite working. It's the dhobi machines that you should be using. 48 hours, you say? I'll tell the office about half a fortnight which should be time enough to enjoy the sights (and enjoy a glass or five of Bushy's Gibraltar beer - Castletown bitter would be better but I'll not carp. At least its not Harp).

If you insist on taking us down the Spanish coast just keep radio silence, especially if we have an oonasty. If you ask for their help we'll be 'out of the environment' before you can say Mangouros.

Gib off the port Bow....start slowing her down.
8 knots .... Starboard 5...midships. stop engines....slow astern port...all stop.
right ho cutouts 2 and one each end. FWE.
Get the cable ashore soon as you can. we are here till fully bunkered and restored.

The bunkers in Gib are of high quality and unsuited to our engines. The tolerances on our fuel system require fuel of a minimum of 1500 seconds and 3.5% sulphur. Let us do the "Restored" bit here and nip across to Ceuta for a cheap fill of crap, all happy.

we could certainly do that ER but check it out with Tmac first, He's the last man I would want to upset, That shifter of his hurts.

As you say, Tmax is a bit of a spanner man and is thus happy. Leave the more academic things like viscosity to me.
As they used to sing in H&W : Tom Tom the spanner man
Podged your hole and away he ran.

Not very suitable for a Sunday morning but truth will out.

Viscosity? I hope you are not suggesting the Chief is too thick to specify his bunker quality. He'll be upset by that (he never waits for Sir W to work through his list of people he wants to upset before him).

Tmax thinks 1500 seconds is nearly half an hour, and he's more than happy. Next thing the bloody Leckie will be trying to discuss liner wear with me. Stay near the switchboard you chancer.

Field. Coils for me. Days for E-S or anyone else that slags off the Chief (note, crawling in the hope of a day ashore in Gib.). I gather he doesn't want to go further than the first and last as he sees enough baboons whenever he visits the control room.

(I could discuss liner wear monitoring by radio-isotope had my only knowledge of it not been its brief mention by my leader Mr. Brown - like Morar and T2s, missed experiences).

Is the use of 'suitable fuel' the reason that when I stand on the aft promenade deck I am taken back in my mind to the rim of Vesuvius?

Right ho cut outs, Single up to a breast slipper, gangway in, cable in.
Engine room! Fire em up Tmac Please. will require revs for 20 knots when full away.
Let go the slipper!
thrusters fore and aft to port..... aft thruster to starboard..... Slow ahead starboard....slow astern port ....All stop ..half ahead both. set Ecdis for Ceuta. full ahead both.
Engine room! we are at full away now thank you.

Are you going for the quickest standby on record? At that speed won't we be up the beach rather than off limits? I suppose there is a beach?

I thought we might go to Stromboli. ML can then bronzy in pumice all day instead of only when Tmac gives his tubes a blow job.

While you were off 'sampling the local hospitality' some nice polite gentlemen in blue suits and peaked caps asked the cut outs to put on life jackets and run around like scalded cats.
I've never seen a rescue boat recovered in that manner, but they did manage to get it back upright.
You will find a large envelope on the control console on the bridge - I think it contains some notes that the men made. I just gave a Gallic shrug and answered in Welsh.

? whats this? advisory from the HSE!
Hmmmmm...most unfortunate incident that was eh...appears the cut outs slipped up there. Never mind I will send them a cheque for new uniforms.
BOT sports will be held more often in future till the cut outs get it right.
beep! beeep Beep! hmmmm short range radar picked something up ...lets see.....
Ah yes its the shore. Ceuta fine on the starboard bow.
Tanoy: attention all crew, Stand by for docking and refuelling

Did we not bunker in Gib? I think we did and I am unanimous.
Should The Hon David desire it we could bunker a few gallon of sherry in the empty Stbd Settling Tank. A happy Dave is a thing to behold.

I had planned to bunker in Gib but some prat said he wanted to come here for bunkers.So, here we are. Get them hoses coupled up quick cut outs. soon as we are bunkered we are off. This place stinks. lets go take a look at Piraeus, some half decent bars there.

Perhaps we could follow the route of Operation Excess, almost exactly 80 years ago.
Don't tell Angela, she might try to reenact her side.