|
Being left to hold Pa's hand when Ma went to visit Aunt we thought it a good wheeze to send them a greetings telegram along the lines of:
Urgent. Loo water turned from blue to white. Father on tiles nightly. Please advise. It wasn't (at least not outside the confines of the Wardroom Bar at the Villiers). |
Great Aunt Agatha, one presumes. Toodle Pip.
|
Quote:
I used to bless the BSA Bantam - in our neck of the woods nobody other than the telegram boy rode one. The distinctive noise of that 2-stroke engine coming down the long lane where we lived gave me plenty of time to make myself scarce. Another telegram "Undelivered" and my leave continued, uninterrupted. |
Yep you could always tell the sound of a Bantam. A lot of bikers of my era passed their tests on one of those immediately progressing to 650cc Triumphs with bone breaking results. :eek:
|
|
One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this old thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" he said. "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found nearby, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. Would you like a Whiskey?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs." No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, . . . . . . "You've built a Motorbike?” |
Bob, I hate to break into your fantasy but small ropes such as those to moor a dinghy are not woven. As an alternative to your ending you could have the man explaining to the woman how to make rope with full details as to what cable laid rope was for. I know I would have.
|
Ah its a technical manual and there's me thinking it was a funny wee story. FFS Serang, wake up.
|
Quote:
|
Quote:
|
Does anyone else think that Exit signs are on the way out?
|
The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday School quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio. They were collected by two teachers over a period of three years. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and, of course, spelling.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it. Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds Like he was sort of busy too. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth. Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus." Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands... Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long. People got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken. |
Almost makes one want to become a history teacher. Never a dull moment.
|
Quote:
I am old enough to remember the red EXIT signs that actually meant go in an emergency. Red is less distracting to night vision I understand. I much prefer red instrument lights to green in a car. |
1 Attachment(s)
Maybe....?
|
How about using ausfahrt.
|
Quote:
Many possibilities but all on the way out...:flowers: |
Nancy Pelosi met with the Queen of England. She asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?”
“Well,” said the Queen, “The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.” Pelosi frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?” The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy: you just ask them a to answer an intelligent riddle.” The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?” Boris Johnson walked into the room and said, “Yes, Your Majesty?” The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please, Boris, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?” Without pausing for a moment, Boris answered, “That would be me.” “Yes! very good,” said the Queen. Pelosi went back home to ask Joe Biden, the same question. “Joe, answer this for me. “Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?” “I'm not sure,” said Biden. “Let me get back to you on that one.” He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Finally, Biden ran in to Michelle Obama out eating one night. Biden asked, Michelle can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or you sister. Who is it?” Michelle answered right back, “That’s easy, it’s me!” Biden smiled, and said, “Thanks!” Then he went back to speak with Pelosi. “Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Michelle Obama.” Pelosi got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face. “No you idiot! It’s Boris Johnson!”:sweat::sweat: |
Is that a veiled comment on your new administration John?
|
My lips are sealed.
|
1 Attachment(s)
A sophisticated joke for a change:
|
Bob,
You are blocked on Whatsapp and banned for life from that Facey thingy!!! Shame on you! Ha ha ha! By the way, a good chuckle! Rgds. Dave |
Nobody on Shipping History has sufficient influence to be banned from "That Facey Thing" or even the one where you photo your "Privates" and post them to the Web for comment. As Bob would say, "Sophisticated Comment".
|
The very thought of putting a picture of my 'Privates' on the Facey Thing is utterly abhorrent.
(Besides which, as I understand it, they don't make wide angle lenses that big !!) :p |
I guess you've decided not to grow old gracefully Bob - Well Done !!
|
A 75-year-old man went to the doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, Doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then with her left, but nothing." The old man continued, "She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with he teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the bloody jar open!" |
We have a gadget we bought in M&S many years ago that assists in opening bottles and jars. It has many different jaws and we find it invaluable in the kitchen.
Its use in the bedroom has yet to be tested but I'm sure it would rise to the occasion. |
1 Attachment(s)
If you get this you're showing your age a bit .... (which I suspect applies to pretty much everyone in here .... :sweat: )
|
1 Attachment(s)
Showing our age - never. Much too young for that.
However I may have a daughter who is old enough show similarities to below |
Quote:
(Doesn't quite sound right. Hasn't got the lilt). Bugger. |
Quote:
|
When I was a kid we used to use the hinge side of the kitchen door to open reluctant jars and bottles. There were marks all down the door frame to prove it. :D
|
That brings back memories Bob.
|
At the last power station I was at, there was a Sports & Social Club which included a football team made up from members of all departments. The station also boasted a full size pitch in the extensive grounds. It was at least the size of 2 jumbo jets but that's not important right now......
Most weekends, the team played matches against visiting teams from other stations and other local teams. The problem was, at the end of each match, all the players used the locker rooms and bathing facilities used by all staff. To get to these facilities they had to use the staff entrance and walk up a very long corridor, but brought in all the mess off their football boots. Complaints were made and so a notice was put up at the entrance - "FOOTBALL BOOTS MUST BE CARRIED IN THIS CORRIDOR". On arriving late for his shift, one of our crew's excuse was - "I was looking for a pair of football boots to carry down the corridor"! JJ. |
Quote:
Rgds. Dave |
Quote:
|
Well I've been practicing with Microsoft's new flight simulator and I'm getting very close to landing an Airbus on my lawn. I just need to shorten the landing length a bit. (Trouble is, the neighbours are getting peed off with the fire and wreckage. :eek: )
|
Quote:
How many jumbo jets equal an aircraft carrier? :quill: |
London buses are in Imperial; Whales, Blue or Menke, are always in Metric. Would you settle on two Olympic size swimming pools?
S h i t YM beat me to the swimming pool. |
Everything seems to be the size of Wales!!
|
| All times are GMT +1. The time now is 08:27. |
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2025, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.