Wales were plenty big in Cardiff this evening.

How do you get two whales in a Mini? Just drive over the Shotton Bridge and go past RAF Sealand!

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left.

Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then to 120. Suddenly he thought, what am I doing? I'm to old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said: "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper nodded, smiled, and walked away.

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. "I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.”
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled.

Even though you can see the joke coming from a mile off ... you still end up laughing.

https://youtu.be/THNPmhBl-8I

Thanks Bob, a good chuckle was had!

Rgds.
Dave

Ship Happens
 

i lost 8 years of shipping files last week - i had inadvertently deleted all my shipping files - roughly 700 000 images - with one click of a button - and my better half ? (:bad_mad:) sends me this ....

Well, if it works....

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of
the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'
'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but
when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story
is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story Sarah,' said the teacher.

The teacher turned to Little Johnny and asked: 'Do you have a story to share?'
'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a
flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of
whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them
with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty
more with the machete until the blade broke and then she killed the last
ten with her bare hands.'
'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Don't f**k with Auntie Sharon when she's p1ssed!'

Brilliant advice!!!

Bertie Wooster's Aunt Agatha would have killed 100 enemy troops with one of her looks. And after a small sweet sherry.

Two American pilots, one flies a C130, the other an F15.
They have both been tasked with a transfer flight to another airbase and decide to fly in company.
The C130 pilot gets airborne and is joined at speed by the F15 pilot on his port side.
F15 hails C130: 'Hi, isn't that thing a bit boring?'
C130: 'What do you mean by boring?
F15: 'Just look at what this baby can do' With that he launches into aerobatics all around the C130 and then returns to station and says: 'You can't match that'
C130: 'Tell you what, I'll show you what I can do, Its about 20 minutes to the next waypoint, you just hold station and watch'
The C130 flies straight and level for near 19 minutes.
F15: 'When are you going to do something?'
C130: 'I did, I got up, went for a walk, had a cup of coffee and a doughnut, went to the john, now I'm back ready for the course alteration. Impressive eh?'

News flash
 

News Flash

Vaccine
This happened yesterday and is important information for our age group.
A friend had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination center. He noticed his vision was blurred on the way home.
When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hospitalized.
He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return to the vaccination center immediately and pick up his glasses.

Nice one Bill .

This is me of late ..... :p

All our problems solved!

Here's one for Bob Clay.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper. The bartender says, “Hey there’s a steering wheel sticking out of your zipper," to which the pirate exclaims “AAAAARRRRRRRGH, it’s driving me nuts!!!"

◄----- removes hat. "Farewell Groan-o-meter. Rest in Peace."

:p

Problem solved - only a politician could do it .................. Doing the rounds here in Oz at the moment.

That cuts them to the bone, great photo.

“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I paid a visit to the Gallery and low and behold there was a ship.

Nothing and nobody is safe from them .... :eek:

Being happily childless I am unlikely to have that problem. A friend who feeds me often did have to curtail her one Christmas 'off' (in many where she has been 'on') after stepping on a grandchild or its toy. Fortunately she was sufficiently recovered to enjoy New Year at a local Indian (Bangladeshi of course) pity about the cold plates.

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint..
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint..
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

That's appropriate for today in America.

Seems about right...

Even by my standards this joke is really bad. Perhaps we should all get our coats .... :big_tongue:

(I still laughed though ...)

Ha ha ha!! Thanks, Bob. Today's chuckle!

You're correct.... really bad. But it made me laugh!!
Thanks, John

Bad; but clean and clever.

Malcolm, that too is bad!

Always in my mind is Moses, in a Liverpudlian accent, sweating and swearing, down, and up, the mountain,"Flock! If God is so omnipotent, why hasn't he invented paper!".

Rgds.
Dave

That would have been omnipotence indeed. Stationery and wallcoverings (well, a God of parts anyway).

If there was a God and he was omnipotent he would not have countenanced Liverpool accents, offshore islets and the written word would have sublimated from stone tablet to plastic tablet.
And he has Saved the Queen.

It's clear to me God was never a technocrat. You only have to look at some of the weird designs in nature to see that.
Of course an unlimited budget helps. You can dump projects mid-flight, make modification botch jobs as you go, or just roll everything off with some kind of disaster and start again.

:shock:

Of course, if you are (a) God, nobody can dare to say you've done it wrong !
Mike.

Of course you can dare to say God has done it wrong, many have, but be aware it will have consequences as KJV tells us, “And I will execute great vengeance upon them with furious rebukes; and they shall know that I am the LORD, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them.”

Sounds like a cheerful friendly chap.

So, not only is he a bad engineer, he's a psycho as well !!! (Of course we're all assuming God is a 'he' here. I've yet to see any evidence against 'he' being a 'she.')

In which case we could all be in deep cack. :sweat: