The Telephone Company Lady said 'We are omnipotent. That's potent with an omni'

I've seen that religion. They all sit around cross legged chanting: 'Omni .... Omni .... Omni' :eek:

These are for Bob Clay.
Puns for Pun Lovers

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

Bloody hell .... all my groan-o-meters have collapsed into black holes. :p

"Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars."
Uncle John,
More a "spoonerism", methinks!
A good laugh, all! Thx!
Dave

Local joke. I'm still laughing hours later ....

Breaking News: The whole of Cornwall has been placed into lockdown after hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance with their families.

Apparently the Arrrrrrrrr rate has increased dramatically.

Even Tom Baker would be out ... Arrrrrrred !!

https://youtu.be/_EfW9znJYjw

The power of logic v math .....:D

The Lady, (by any chance is she related), said "You would have had enough money to buy a plane". She did not say "You must" or "You will" buy a plane.
As with Sarcasm you are bastardising the beautiful language of Chaucer, Shakespeare and William Topaz McGonagall. This blackguarding must stop.

No it mussent. :cool:

Fair enough.

Did you know that there is a species of lion that hunts nothing but unicorns and it lives on the equator with all sorts of mythical beasts and birds..?




It's called...









The menagerie lion.

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............and I'M getting stick for blackguarding .... :p

As you all know I only like to post top line and classy jokes on here, and when I saw this one, I felt it was of sufficient quality to post.

An ancient Greek walks into his tailor's shop with a couple of torn togas.

"Euripides," says the tailor.

"Yeah, Eumenides ?" replies the man.

(Doesn't bother with coat. Retreats to Neutronium reinforced Nuclear Bunker instead.)

:pint:;)

No I didn't know about the quality criteria, but I felt there was a classics scholar lurking in the wings.

I was walking through the Olympic Village when I came across a man carrying a very long pole:
"I guess you're a pole vaulter!", I said to him.
He looked at me and then said:
"No, I am German! How do you know my name?"

I'll see you at the door Bob, I already have my coat on!

Rgds.
Dave.

Jesus the man is 92 and American; tell him, as gently as you can, that he's not qualified to compete for Germany. Frau Merkel is planning to have him around for 2036.
Take your coat off and hang it up under the stairs, youse pair are going nowhere. Do you not think the public have suffered enough recently?

I shall treat that as a challenge. Prepare for Awfullness raised to the power of infinity. :big_tongue:

:):):):jester: Made me laugh.

Jôc dosbarth arall ...

Not the China I remember .... (1973) ....:p

... and in other parts of the world, a Lamborghini doesn't cost a million dollars.

My kind of Lamborghini....

Sense of humour ALERT !!! (HAHOOGAH HAHOOGAH !! ... (alarm I once fixed in the engine control room and was advised by the Second Engineer to unfix it. It had been deliberately unfixed by previous engineers who were mightily unimpressed by its over abundance in decibels.))

That reminds me of going aboard a berthed ship one evening - Alarm bell ringing in the entry square. Watchman sat in a passenger lounge.

I said: "Shouldn't you be doing something about that?"

He said "S'pose so", got up walked into square, picked a brochure, folded it in half and stuffed it under the clapper.

There followed a meaningful discussion which was not humorous and therefore unsuitable for this thread.:wink:

Talking of alarms..........

Coming off watch at 0400, we used to boil eggs in the duty mess geyser. Only the Leckie used it frequently to make tea or coffee during his "exhausting" daily duties (mostly spent in Duty Mess with boots off).

One day, we forgot about the eggs.

Three days later, the eggs appeared on a plate in the bar with a note enquiring (edited for people of a sensitive disposition) "WHO had been boiling eggs in the geyser?!!!".

After bollocking, between giggles and titters, from the Chief, we duly apologized to Lecky, promising humbly not to do it again.

Next day, Makko got out the control and alarm ladder diagrams. Makko altered the control/alarm drawings correctly. Makko installed a new alarm in a vacant space on the control panel, stencilling carefully,"LL Egg Boiler".

Come next standby, Most engineers in the MCR (Standby, coming into West Coast port following Trans Pacific transit) along with Leckie. Alarm goes off, Chief checks it and mumbles,"Leckie, what is this alarm? I haven't seen it before", telling me to get the drawings.

Cue near nervous breakdown by the Leckie who stormed out of the ER. Second bollocking by Chief who admired my ingenuity to install a "real" alarm, telling me to leave as was! Good old Bill Turner, my favourite Chief!

So If you are on Cape Henry, ex-Barber Priam, look on the left side of the control panel, at the bottom. Maybe the "alarm" is still there!

Rgds.
Dave

How dare you malign Electrical Horfficers in such a cavalier manner. I always kept my boots on in case of emergencies.
rogd MN(rtd).

I would have thought any plumber would know by now we are carried to think, not to 'do' (there's two of their number who are too clever by half, the dangerous kind who carry terminal screwdrivers).

Low Level, Egg BLR! Ha ha! I malign you more! Just kidding!

Rgds.
Dave

Almost a quote of P&O engineers, during their motor time to keep their rank, during re-engining of the Bays!!

Rgds.
Dave

Talking of old duffers and 'what goes around comes around' ...... :p

My "Mr Tambourine Man" and "Turn Turn Turn" LP's hiss like a Freon leak on a Hall's compressor.

Are we nearly there yet?

Quick, order another couple of drinks ..... :eek:

Shame on you Bob! You left YOungN1ck speechless!

A young Theresa May?

What may she?

Having a mug of Typhoo before heading out in search of a corn field. Or was it wheat?

Freon, FREON!----
 

----get some in, ES, and get a good whiff of NH3-----that'll clear your tubes! Even the smallest leak! Too small, even, to be detected by a 'hiss'-----now---where's me litmus paper? Phil (ex-Sabroe fan.):thumb: