Does not etiquette demand you don't take a Swan without HM's permission? And of course we must be neat when we do so. And tidy.

If I see anything with RBMK on it in Cyrillic down there me, the cat (and the new very friendly gyro now it's used to being outside its cage) will be offski. a little package set with RR numbering on it would do us very well here but it will not be until we can no longer light the hospital that the obstinati will conscience one and then they will be too busy sharpening the blade and packing the obstinatarians into the tumbrels to get on with it.

You lot down there with a reactor with nowt but a shifter and a coal shovel to loosen its little chain reaction would worry as much as finding the flight engineer was a member o0f the BFO burners sports and social club and was wearing a black spotted boiler suit.

Meanwhile, safety alongside in Mar says.Bunkering barge alongside

Agent says we have 2 coasters to tow to Aliaga for scrap. after which we are to make for Naples. VIP pax job to Limasol. they will fly back from there after a hush hush meeting. there will be 10 of them plus their wives. we are to entertain those while the men folk have a Briefing meeting.

A tug? You have turned this elegant Cathound of the ocean into a bloody barge tower? I can just hear you welcoming the first class cargo "And here M'Lady you have a magnificent view over the backend, or stern as it is known, and the two grotty barges we thought to bring along for your pleasure. The smell M'Lady? Well I believe they used to carry Bovril".

coffers Mr Varley. we need the money to maintain the standards we are accustomed to.

Cut outs! break out the towing gear. rig a strong bridle we will tow these two alongside each other.
we will be leaving at first light in the morning. Mr Tmax and ES will board them both to see if there is anything worth taking for our mechanical spares or whatever. I want you to assist them to get whatever they find aboard here.

by the way, if theres a half decent ships wheel worth having bring it to me. it will look good mounted on my suite bulkhead.

Filthy lucre! You shouldn't take a long tow like that. Line ahead or it'll be the MAIB we'll all be before before bedtime.

Ah yes of course Mr Varley yopu are right as always. I had forgotten about the MAIB regs. Line astern it will be.
Cut outs! make up a second bridle we will be towing them line astern. when we reach our destination we will hand them over to a small tug to take in to the shallows.
we really need a skipper and a mate aboard here. Its not right that the owner has to do it all. I am not even qualified for it on paper. never got higher than second engineer except for a short spell on a tug as Chief.

I am not even qualified for it on paper. never got higher than second engineer except for a short spell on a tug as Chief.

Same-Same Me and Tmax.

I fear that it shows. A least YM has a command endorsement (shovel, foreign going) .

And an Endorsement for using a Sydney No5 shovel.
And a Cooks Ticket for frying eggs and bacon on aforementioned shovel. After a bloody good wipedown with an oily rag.

...and no draw on the fire.

Bit of a technical term there 170, lets wait till YM the All Black arises for a reasoned answer.
Mr V has considerable experience with boilers but knows they can bite, what about yourself? The lads in the crew bar believe you're a CD Holmes man lets hope they are right.

Ummm I hate to ask but why are we towing those two pieces of crap using cables and wire? What's wrong with the nantomic magnetic attractor thingymabob wot I invented and built with my own fair paws? Don't tell me some heathen deckie type person has busted it already? :bad_mad:

Mumble mumble, mutter mutter..... I dinno why I bother inventing things, I used a whole box of crayons on this thing but not a word of thanks do I hear. :yawn:

I'm off to my funnel suite in a huff, yes I invented that as well..... great for runs ashore as it has a homing gizmo, very handy when pissed :big_tongue:

Fear not wise Chief. your inventions are superb and your Magnet will get plenty of use in the future. However there are people observing us and they have checked the bridles and our main Hawser.
In about 2 hours I will heave too and swing the launch out so that you can with assistants of some deckies go and rape the the 2 coasters of anything that may be of use to you aboard here.

you can with assistants of some deckies go and rape the the 2 coasters of anything that may be of use to you aboard here.

Drink Billy Boy, Drink.

We don't want the eggs to go up the funnel they might eventually land on the pristine deck when OH&S will perceive them a slipping hazard for their high heals. :egg:

At home we didn't have an Aga in the kitchen we had the artisan version, a Gloworm , and it was in the Scullery (a word little used nowadays). Anyways when it failed to draw the firebox door was closed and the ashpit door opened, well it didn't take long to draw like a 16' 6'' Scotch Boiler and "Mammy" could make a start on her legendry Ulster Fry. Happy days, long gone.

That reminds me - The drawing sheet.
A piece of sheet steel with handles used when lighting a fire which wasn’t ‘taking’. Place it over the open front of the grate, open the ashbox door and away it went. Remove quickly to avoid chimney fire!
Ah yes those were the days..

We just used a page from the "Tele" (Belfast Telegraph for the non locals) great fun trying to avoid it catching fire in your hands.

On the GD boilers we are posh in the injun room, only use the Financial Times or the Beano. Our library consists of the Beano, Bunty and the Bare Arse monthly.

we have forced draught boilers on here. powered by Tmacs personal gas.
very efficient ship this is.

we are arriving at our hand over point. 2 small tugs on the way out to us. Tow winched in close astern. slow to 4 knots. small tugs alongside the coasters. Hawser clear, winch it in. Full ahead for Naples. Cut outs! lash up and stow all towing gear. Stewards! check and make up PAX Cabins, yes all 20 of them. Revs for 15 knots please Chief!

Meanwhile readers (been busy at an internment) we are safe alongside at Naples awaiting the arrival of our Passengers.

Steam pinnace departing for Capri at 1000 hours. Some unemployed ladies found loitering nearby are already aboard. Perhaps they are some GD passengers who just arrived a bit early?

Make fast cut outs! 2 and 1 each end. get the gangway rigged and ready. Master at arms on gangway watch.
Stewards! complementary drinks and welcoming snacks for our guests as they arrive.

Unemployed Ladies! Have they not got a profession?

I just spoke to one Lady and she said "I am not his wife"... "I am his Secretary"

Just gave her a tour of my owners suite. she was very happy with my water bed and Jacuzzi.
She's off up to the funnel suite to check that out now.

Oh look!..a convoy of limos comming along the quay. stand by to welcome our guests please stewards. (I like the little flags on the Limo's)

A tour of the funnel suite can only make the rest of us look good. Mr V and YM are sprinkling Old Spice around their cabins and I am giving my Stateroom a light dusting of some unpronounceable stuff by Yves St Lawernce seaway, silly name but powerful stuff. Big T will throw his work skiddies under his coffee table.

Previously used something called 'Channel'. Not that it ever did me any good so I will try ES's recommended Old Spice this time.
Must remember not to stand too close to firehole door. I wouldn't like to go up in flames!

He uses au-de-diesel I heard.

Cut outs! stand by for undocking!

Nice steady cruise to Limasol about 10 knots I think. that will give us time to get acquainted with our passengers.
let go fore and aft!

Nothing like a dab of HFO behind the ears to get the ladies interested mind you nothing beats a liberal spraying of WD40 round the oxters. However for those "intimate" occasions I strongly recommend Shell Gadus S3 high speed coupling grease. :big_tongue:

You old romantic.

Discretion gentlemen! the guys look like they are carrying pieces!

They are having a very private meeting this afternoon in the PAX lounge. Asked if we can keep the ladies occupied for an hour or so. I said we would do our best. perhaps a tour of the ship and a little time in the crew bar.

Why would anyone bring ham pieces onto a ship that has 4 chefs?
Perhaps Tmax can help as he always comes aboard with his Piece Box under his arm.

Ahhh but the secret is what is in the piece box :wink: much more than a beg o' Tayto Cheese and Onion and a Belfast bap. :eat_arrow:

less of the "old" you young pup, just because there is snow on the funnel top doesn't mean the fire in the boiler is out :yawn:

hello ladies, lets see now I think if we split you up into 3 groups we can give you a tour of the entire ship with the exception of the engine room. Thats highly classified down there.
So if you 4 ladies would follow Mr ES and you 3 ladies follow Mr varley and you 3 ladies follow me. we will start at the top so off we go up to the bridge and monkey island.

I am no good at this. I started with the top of one as you instructed and got my face slapped. Should I have started them all off on gin and taken it from there?

in that instance, after the Gins, you start at the "bottom" Mr Varley.

surprised ... thought you always preferred the bottom Mr Varley ...LOL

Depends. The dilettantes tend to split, ruins the hole night (anyway, I was talking gin and you know what Flanders and Swann sung about that).

Flanders and Swan! I rode an a train with one of them. think it may have been Swan. he started talking to me and was getting excited. think he fancied me. fortunately my station came up and I bailed out. virgo intacto. yes I can still sing soprano...LOL

A bit of a limp excuse, that.

(One of them? Easy to tell, one was in a wheelchair. Oh, well I suppose it's time for an afternoon tale.

Pa was also a polio cripple but got about on crutches whilst Michael Flanders was wheelchair bound. Both were unslim and wore full sets. One evening in the Leather Bottle (Warlingham, Joe and Edna Cotton presiding) where Pa was a regular an unknown Gent misidentified Pa as the entertainer. Pa had to make strenuous efforts to put the persistent fan right. Pa was sure the chap thought him a liar when Pa later walked out on crutches).