Saw this on Facebook and just had to nick it. :sweat:

An elderly man living alone in Milton Keynes wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a hard garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Paul.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Worthy of of a sketch by Ronnie Barker in Porridge.

I've decided to go back to jokes more in keeping with my earlier quality presentations .. :big_tongue:

To celebrate Wimbledon fortnight, I decided to buy a punnet of strawberries, but not knowing the best way to eat them, I searched the Internet. serve cold, sprinkle with sugar, and pile cream on top, it said.....however, a word to the wise, pile cream tastes foul.

And likewise, if you`re making crab paste sandwiches, its far better getting your crab paste from a fishmonger and not a chemist.

You have both given me my chuckle ration for the day!
Rgds.
Dave

Further to #801....

(Just ignore the caption - I doubt it applies on SH.)

Who ate all the....

That's good .... :p

But there's a gazillion raised to the power of a gazillion digits missing .... .. and then some. :balloon:

Yep, someone had to point that out...:wink:
That is a whole load of pies....

I was driving alone in a rural area and picked up a hitch-hiker.
After a few minutes and basic chat he said: How do you know that I'm not a serial killer?
I said: I don't think you are because it would be statistically unlikely to have two in the same car.

Fortunately the seats are leather and didn't stain.

It's daft, but I couldn't help but laugh .... :p

He’s just a poor boy from a poor family…….

No doubt we have dafter laughter yet to come.

I've decided to upgrade the quality of posted jokes: Ahem !!

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe.....as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hill's deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:
♫ "Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!" ♪

A noble aim, Bob. When are you going start?

Good try, Bob!
Rgds.
Dave

I take it that the Groan-o-meter is currently unavailable.

Sorry Bob ............

No. Happy Bob. Sorry audience!

Spotted some Harry Potter broomsticks in Poundland yesterday, a bargain for a quidditch.

(Well you lot asked for it .... :eek: )

Sorry audience sorrier still.

I'm new here. Just signed up. I found this site via "Ships Nostalgia" due to an interest in large Diesel engines.
I just might, although not a mariner, have something to contribute.


Some few years ago I was in England to view the insanity of old and ancient cars at Goodwood. I saw "The Beast of Turin" throw flames up the hill.


I'd rented a car, and as I was driving out of Bristol the car just stopped, as if I'd cut the ignition. I coasted off to the side of the road & opened the hood. There's a fence with two horses looking at me, a buckskin and a grey. nice looking critters. I'm looking at the engine, and the grey says "look at the wire from the coil" Well damned if it hadn't come disconnected. I reconnected it and was happily on my way. I came to a small town & thought i'd stop & have a pint. I told the barman about my stoppage; he questioned me closely anent just which horse I spoke with. I told him it was the grey. "Good" the barman says - "that buckskin knows fanny allen about motors"

Welcome, it looks as if you are from the United States, it's a big place so I don't know how to greet you. Hi good Buddy, Hi Dude, Good Morning Patriot (if you're from Boston), anyways an interest in large Diesel engines is an unhealthy pastime and may lead to all sorts of complications. I recommend stamp collecting or a little light watercolour painting.
Go back to Bristol and ask your two friends, the Buckskin will tell you to keep clear of Doxford Engines, Fanny Allen ain't so smart after all.
Cheers,
Engine Serang and Tail Wallah on Burmeister & Wain.

Adirondacks. I'm a bit of everything. I'm certainly no 'patriot'.:):)

Greetings E.von Hoegh and welcome to SH. Bon voyage.

E v H,
Welcome aboard the happy ship SH.
I am sure you will find something to inspire your interests..

Indeed welcome Mr. v Hoegh. Especially as you post first on this thread.

You should take E-S's condemnation of the large diesel with a pinch of salt - the common kind which has, due to his attachment to all things boiler-feed, left him traumetised (I am not sure if he signed off praising or cursing B&W - hot fog's his game).

Ah the Adirondacks, Upstate as you say.
The Memsahib and myself have been to New York many times but never North of Metropolitan Museum of Art or East of JFK.
You must tell us where your interest in big oily beasts came from and the combined brainpower of Shipping History will devise a course of counselling. By the way does Hillary Clinton live nearby?

Welcome to this 'high quality' joke thread.
In keeping with tradition:

No lamp post?

It’s USA - They substitute fire hydrants

As they would say in the US - needs probable caws…

Thank you gentlemen for the cordial welcome.
I'm interested in all sorts of oddball stuff. I wear a wind-up wristwatch, that could be a clue.
An engine big enough to have multi-story walkways, what's not to like? I've worked on quite a lot of "obsolete" technology, from 100 year old water turbines to prewar (WWI) engines to hollow state electronics to clocks and watches to flintlock firearms.... maybe I'll make my own groan-o-meter.

I've no idea where Ms Clinton lives. If I knew, I'd likely try to forget.


Thank you again for the welcome, I thought this was as good a place as any to introduce myself.

Oh - I forgot to mention.
I have a ca. 1840 Parkinson & Frodsham marine chronometer, in good running order (although the temperature compensation is off, of course) Also a WWII vintage Hamilton marine chronometer which I keep running as a local time standard, set to this precise longitude. :)

It sounds like you are in the right place :jump:

Thank you. I fear I might be a relatively junior member, though. I'm 60, I get the impression most members are older than me?

Big oily beasts? it could be genetic & therefore not my responsibility. Deutsche, Schweizer- Deutsche, Irish and Scots. Mess eh? :)

One who anoraks along the same lines as myself.

A Seiko QC 6MS ticks GMT in my play room with a Radio Room dial GMT repeater in the Kitchen with some Ship's time repeaters too. A Citizen TXS-56 with Ships time repeaters operational but awaits erection somewhere inconspicuous WRT my Sister-in-law. Three electrically reset gravity escapement timepieces all keeping GMT with one further to erect and put to work. If I wear a watch it will be one of three pocket watches each of a different level of posh to suit the suit. I also have my eye's open for a proper chronometer all I have is a Kelvin Hughes quartz job.

Recently I have noted a number of interesting Meggers and my collection of these is growing. A couple of AVO's (de rigeuer of course) and one or two nuclear radiation detectors add to the mix. The collection in my black museum is, of course, static as I am no longer allowed to play with ships.

This is rounded up with a working set of Evershed and Vignoles military engineroom telegraphs - needs tarting up - and two engine room 'ends' of a later model (will work as a pair but not kosher).

The above, of course, precludes a wife but it may surprise you to know I do have some friends. I fear keeping to solar time accurate to 4.3.0 W might stretch those bonds of friendship further than I have already stretched them by my habit of keeping to GMT (we are some 16 minutes later) when they are keeping BST.

Think how much more there could be to mark the development of your nascent eccentricity by the time you are 70 (an anniversary I passed earlier this year).

I just bought, from a junk shop, a mirror scale Simpson 260. Four USD. Clean battery compartment, too!


I've been using a Fluke 8024 since 1983. It's on it's second LCD display, Fluke won't service it any more.


That Simpson will outlive me. :)


And that Kelvin-Hughes is nothing to sneeze at.