Why! What's happened?

JJ.

Sometimes it's difficult to cover your tracks ..... :sweat:

"This is a Smith and Wesson Model 29. It chambers a .44 Magnum round which makes it one of the most powerful handguns in the world.
♫♫♫ One Way, or Another ♪♪♪ You're coming with me." :sweat:

What self respecting gun enthusiastic doesn’t know these words? “I know what you’re thinking. ‘Did he fire six shots or only five?’ Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?”

Words to live by.:thumb::thumb:

Words to die by John.

Very true rogd if you dont listen to Dirty Harry.

Graffiti behind the boiler on the Texaco Frankfurt:-

Would you fffff, shag Debbie Harry?

Debbie yes. Harry no.

A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at B & Q and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the market and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the market he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked: 'Can you tell me how to get to Church Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to the lane I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested: 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he replied, very impressed, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says: 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said: 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said: 'Jesus lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied:
'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!!!'

Was the Little Old Lady Miss Marple by any chance?

Cressida Dick and Preti Patel may feel our collars.

Here’s one to help you sleep….

Right, that's it. It's Ian M. Banks style MONSTER GROAN-O-METER time ... !!! :sweat:

Glad you liked it:big_tongue:

A useful guide….

You missed one Malcolm! Well two, apart from the "piece of coathanger wire", nice and THICK........!

My wife had a Gas Station. The compressor was forever blowing fuses, but no one told us. Then the motor was damaged.

Off I went, multimeter in hand, to check it. First stop, the fuse box. There were bottle caps, doubled and forced into the fuse terminals! (110V, 15A) When I asked,"WHO!....." the workers feigned dementia. We were forced to issue stern warnings to everyone and put a padlock on the fuse box with a "responsible" person for the key!

BTW, the problem was the pressure microswitch which did not cut the motor at the set pressure and thus caused the motor to overheat. (Or something like that, I really cannot remember, it was so long ago!)

Rgds.
Dave

Yes you have reminded me…..
With the 13amp BS1363 plug tops one occasionally finds them getting a tad warm, or rattling when picked up.
I have, oft times, needed to pop the top off and check the screws etc. That is both an up side and down side for moulded plug tops - The diy user can’t cock it up, but when it fails you have to cut it off.
On one such occasion I open up to discover the fuse holder bound around with a couple of turns of fuse wire - yes they had used fuse wire, maybe around 10amp, but 4 ply!

I remember my Old Man back in the day when the fuse wire burnt out in the box. (Old council houses.) The were coils of various grades of fuse wire sat on top of the box and as I watched him replace the wire with a double wrap, I told him that was a bad idea. The fuse was there for a purpose and what was needed was to locate the reason why it blew.
"That's what I'm doing," he replied. "Keep doubling up then walk around the house in search of a burning smell !!!"
Talk about living dangerously .... :sweat:

Ha ha ha!!!!! We have an original, square wooden, towel rack in two bathrooms. The house was built in 1953.

My wife was drying her hair in the "bottom" bathroom when sparkes and smoke started coming out of the dryer. She just threw the dryer from her and called me!

She set fire to a towel and the towel rack still bears the flame damage scars (half burned through!).

I asked why she didn't pull the plug! "Oh, I didn't want to get electrocuted!" she said.

Always check the mesh filter at the back of the hair dryer - They soon get blocked and cause overheating! (I suppose that, not a lot of members use hairdryers!)

I am still giggling Bob!
Rgds.
Dave

I still use a hairdryer!
There is some resemblance between my hair and that on my SH avatar due to lockdown here in Melbourne. The YMs hates it but I like it. :chuckle::)

Some trivia about Yul Brynner:
He was a lifelong admirer of Liverpool Football club.
He never used after shave.





Which is why,




to this day,




Liverpool fans sing....






Yul never wore cologne.


:curtain_call:

Philosophy, anatomy and evolutionary science at its best ....... :p

Thanks, Bob. That explains everything...

I miss that show. That was the bar you would like to drink in, every kind of nutter imaginable. ;)

There's a bar like that in every town in Ireland, England and Scotland. But not in Wales or Sussex.

Would that be North or South Wales?

Old joke remembered:

So, in the east is ESSEX, south SUSSEX, west WESSEX, why nowhere in the north? WHO would want to live in "NOSEX"!

I'll get my coat............

Rgds.
Dave

Mostly North Wales.
Very strange people, especially in Anglesey.
It could happen that you wander down a side street in, say Newport and find a local pub and nip in for a glass of Brains and who's at the counter but Shirly Bassey. Either side of her is Max Boyce and Rob Brydon and having an argument is Barry John and Nigel Owens.
I think you have the makings of a half decent afternoon.

With a North Walian(mum) and a South Walian(dad) in the same household, it made for an interesting childhood!!

Glad I do not live in the north one.

My brother moved to North Wales a few years back, recovering our family "roots". He loves it.
Rgds.
Dave

And I admire him for his move. I am legendary for saying that no one would holiday in Cancun if Rhyl and Prestatyn had the weather.

Used to go to Rhyl and Prestatyn from my home town as it was only about 80 miles away and those old 50's era Brit bikes I rode back then where just about capable of that. (Still faster than bloody MODs.)
But the big attraction of North Wales are the mountains. Again only 2 or 3 hours drive from the West Midlands. Can't knock that from a grimy industrial town ... (there's no industry there anymore :( ) but the mountains are still there, and likely to be so for some time yet.

No industry? Gone, like the Wireless College Colwyn Bay (how did you miss out this gem in your eulogy?)

Coz I'm a Leith Nautical College man, a proper nautical college with a shipyard at the back of it. (Although that's gone now ... :( )

Ha Ha! True! But if the weather is good.......

However, Cancun and the whole Riviera Maya are controlled by "organized crime"........Take care when there! A member on the "other site" was working on a vessel based there and decided to quit and get "the Hell out of Dodge"! By the way, I am from Leasowe which was known as "Dodge City" in the late 60s/early 70s! (LEBB chant: "Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!".

I have a very mysterious vessel claim, originating near Cancun, which may probably hinge on some "OC" involvement!

Rgds.
Dave

This joke is so bad ... that I don't see why I should be the only one to suffer it .... :p

Great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show

responses were spontaneous, NOT scripted.


Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and hard it

took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knott: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and

you think that he is attractive, is it okay to ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older..

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. What are: 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough’?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the apartment next door.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture

you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into

the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his

head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them

and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.



WE DO NOT STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,

WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING.

Enjoy and pass on to your friends.

I visited down Leith when over in 2016 and would have never thought of the changes that had happened when I was in school there in the 1960s. The place was very hippy and the old bonded warehouses, chic apartments. No Crawfords on the shore and the sailors home gone. Changes for the better all around and the Pool and Custom house a memory.

And it came to pass ... that he was cured from tombstoning for evermore ...... :eek:

I thought I'd resurrect An old one:-

I had 4 helpings of alphabet soup at lunch....

My next fart could spell disaster........