Saw this and had a chuckle.Attachment 2024

I think I sailed with his father.

Aw, bless his little cotton socks.:)

That final line is a killer ..... :chuckle:

Sounds as if he would have got on well as sparkie too (barring the seasick, of course).

I want one.

JJ.

Did you hear about the chap with two wooden legs whose house caught fire.....

They managed to save the house but the chap was burnt to the ground.

For anyone of a sensitive nature, that joke was told to me by a mate at work, who had married a Chinese girl, who had a prosthetic leg - an accident with a bus in Hong Kong. He came into work one shift and told me that his wife had had an accident the day before and broken her leg. Me thinking wrongly he meant the 'good' one I said, "Bloody hell Alan, that's terrible". He replied, with a wry smile, "It's ok, she's got a spare one"..........

JJ.

Didn't the coppers 'do' the first for arsing around?

No chance in an arse kicking contest then!

Chap with two wooden legs that had woodworm - He wasn't left with a leg to stand on!

Brings a whole new meaning to arson.

But many entries for the arse licking contest.

Chap with pain in portside testicle. It needed removal and, as of its time, only a wooden prosthesis available to replace it.

Some time later he returns to the medic with pain in both sides. After a lengthy examination he was told the result:

"My, my, what a lucky chap. Syph in one, death-watch beetle in the other".

When Macca was married to Heather Mills he bought her a plane for Christmas...............................and a LadyShave for the other leg.

O Mull of Kintyre and mist rolling in from the sea.

I think you're a Linda man.

That prompted another joke from the W.M.Club comics:-

Have you seen a dog with wings?........Linda Mac.....Not very nice joke though.

JJ.

Linda and her cloth beefburgers.

But her sausages and sausage rolls are tasty (and the former fool the cats).

Pekka and Matti have been at sea without any liquor for a long time when Pekka suggests: “Matti, shall we not make a hole in the compass and tap a little of the liquor therein? Matti answers him with alarm and reproach: “Don’t you know that you will go blind from the stuff in there!?” Whereupon Pekka stays silent for some time before enquiring: “Matti, have we two not seen everything there is to see?
(The names are Finnish, it may be that for the English to see the joke the two would have to be named Neal and Paddy. :) )

And if you were Irish then it would be two Kerrymen - Padraig and Seamus.:jester:

How Skynet began .... :egg:

WARNING
Be extra careful on the roads over the Christmas holiday,
A lot of men will be drinking …………. and getting their wives to drive them home!

Ha ha ha! Wife decided No.1 daughter should look for shoes for the religious wedding, here on visit to Monterrey.

Wife wanted me to be chauffeur - NO was my answer.

They left - after approximately three minutes, message from daughter,"Will we make it back alive?!"

Merry Xmas,
Dave

Santa ... also not wearing a mask .... :p

A guy walks into a bar and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why they are there.

The bartender replies: "If you can jump up and slap the meat you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you have to pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to give it a try ?"

The guy replies: "Nah ... the steaks are too high."

(Gets coat and puts bacofoil hat on.) :p

Happy New Year.


I know it's late, I had a moving of household and internet was late arriving.


Best to all - E.

Herr Clay, have you heard the spittoon joke?

I don't think so, but I suspect I'm about to. Go for it !!! :p

An old sot enters a bar & declares "I'm gonna take a drink from that spittoon unless someone stands me a drink!"
No-one replys, so said sot lifts the spittoon -takes a sip - starts to put it down, but raises it up again and chugs all. People are running away, some leaving cash on the bar, some are getting sick, and the sot drains the cuspidor. The barmaid asks, "what the hell is wrong with you? I was going to give you a drink!" Sot replies, "I couldn't stop - it all came out in a long string!"

:sweat::sweat::eek::eek:

Cheers my neighbour I'm having a late breakfast.

Concerned neighbour .... :p

Meanwhile, down the road at Tommy’s

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral.

However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him,

"Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out as well.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one uckin' ear.

Good one, John! It gave me a good chuckle.

Then there was the Ark Royal on flying ops. The Fleet Admiral was onboard and admiring the efficiency getting Sea Vipers and Scimitars into the air. However, he was not very popular with the men.

He then asked out loaud, to no one in particular, and a trifle tetchy, "WHERE are the Buccaneers?".

The helmsman answered, very softly,"On the sides of your buckin' 'ead!"

Rgds.
Dave

I like daft jokes first thing in the morning. Sets you up for the day .... :p

Indeed your day can only improve after some of the howlers you publish.

Three Nuns were unfortunately killed in a car crash and ended up at the Pearly Gates and were greeted by St. Peter.
Before you can enter he informed them you must answer a question about the Bible.
To the first Nun, he questioned "who was the first man on earth. Her reply was Adam. "Correct" he said you may enter.
The second he said "sister who was the first woman? She answered Eve. Correct was his response. You may enter the kingdom of heaven.
To the last Nun, Mother superior, he said as you should be more knowledgeable the question will be more difficult.
His question was "what here the first words Eve uttered when she met Adam??
Mother Superior gazed up for inspiration and after a few moments said "that's a hard one "
Correct said The gates guardian you may enter.

And the poor old fig leaf is forgotten.

Topical
 

I was visiting a friend in hospital and as I passed one of the wards I heard singing and merriment, then someone reciting “Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face, Great Chieftain
o’ the Puddin-race!”,

I said to one of the orderlies “ What’s going on in there?’,

He said ‘That’s the Burns Unit’.