Whats App - Click on the image, pop up, save file to gallery. Done.
And I am a recognized, iPhone, Luddite!
Rgds.
Dave

“Dad, can you tell me what happens during a total eclipse?”

“No son”
[

I wonder if it's possible to get hold of a Neutronium reinforced Groan-O-Meter ? :sweat::jump:

Not a lot of demand for a Giggle-O-Meter last week.

A time traveller learns classical Latin and goes to visit the ancient Roman Empire.

He is seen by a Legionnaire:
"Halt stranger, who are you?"
Time traveller: " I am from your future, what is you name?"
Legionnaire: "I am Quintus, fifth son of my father, and what is your name?"
Time traveller: "Liv"
Legionnaire, counting fingers "Er, really...."

There should be more Roman numeral jokes .... :p

For Bob Clay and Malcolm G; I think this one has featured before,

I used to be good at Roman numerals but I always have trouble with 51, 6 and 500, it makes me LIVID.

And to quote Fred Dagg, "Here's me bus, I'll get out of your way now".

A lot of buses and coats are going to be needed I suspect ....:p

To continue the historical (or maybe I should say pre-historical) theme ...

Of course Ron can probably remember those days .. you know .. Bronto Burgers, Velociraptor Pie ... Stegosaurus on Toast. A program called 'A Cave of Your Own' being sent on the knocking slabs.

:big_tongue:

You can bet JUR ASS I Can

Caves under the Hammer doesn't quite do it.

My farming mate owns a meadow that never gets any sun.
He said, “I like to sit there on chilly, frosty mornings and listen to the peaceful sounds of ‘Tubular Bells’………I love my cold field.

Get thee to the corner for a couple of days, Mr. Stringer!!!!!!!

Awful!!!!

Rgds.
Dave

And the joke is even worse.

And to add insult to injury it set Beardy up for life.

I liked that Ron, so posted this so I could see it again!

JJ.

JJ, you should see a head doctor!!!! The joke is awful! Mr. Stringer should be suspended from the site, for a while, until he sees reason!

(Sorry JJ and Ron, all said in jest!)

Rgds.
Dave

No worries Dave, I've already been seen by most genres of quacks, but nothing they could do! I afraid I like any and all jokes and this site needs all the help it can get. Even non-funny comments on jokes are welcome in any form...........

JJ.

Remember what happened to the Groan-o-meter though!

One for you (a silly Mexican joke, YOU ASKED FOR IT!):

Where do people go when they are sick?
"Hospital!"

Where pets go when they are sick?
"Dogspital"

Rgds.
Dave

I'm thinking seriously of swapping out my groan-o-meter for a Smith and Wesson Model 500 magnum. :shock:

:big_tongue:

Bring it on Bob!!! Haha! JJ asked for it.....and GOT IT! Do you feel lucky, punk. Well, do you! I have to find a worse joke!!!!!!
Rgds.
Dave

Dave, that didn't make any sense at all and was Yuck!

At least Ron's had a thought-out clever piece of phrasing.

I'll leave it up to you and Bob to sort out who is going to be SHs Senior Joke Monitor, but personally, I'd rather there wasn't one at all......no offence....

JJ.

Yesterday a my neighbour's cute little hairy dog snatched a ribbon from its mistress's dressing table and swallowed it before it could be stopped.

Today it came out tied in a perfect bow.


I Shi Tzu Knot.

Moscow man buys a newspaper, glances at the front page, then throws it away. Next day, same again, and again, and again.
Eventually the newspaper seller snaps: "Why do you do that ?"
"Oh I'm just checking for an obituary," replies the man.
"But obituaries aren't even on the front page," says the seller.
"Oh, the one I'm looking for will be."

I had an Ink Monitors job at junior school when I was kid. It was a good racket until the compass monitor mob moved in and made me take a different direction. I thought about going into the ruler monitor racket, but there were just too many rules.

Lucky you didn't upset the eraser crowd and risk being rubbed out.

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...

But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My white walls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it.



Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,

Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires !

My Aunt has been in hospital recently. She’s doing okay and has been passing the time by playing board games such as backgammon, draughts and mahjong.
“Any chess?”
“No, she went private”.

This weird woman who lives near us is claimed by some to self identify as a cat.
So I asked her if it was correct,
She said “Me? How?”

(Reloads the Smith and Wesson with Mercury tipped hollow points.) :big_tongue:

Then there was the sex change monk, he left the chapel and came back anon!

Boo! Hiss! Bob, I have a target on my forehead!

Rgds.
Dave

Old Beano or Dandy one:

When is a door not a door?

When its ajar!

I shall retire to the corner and get my coat!

Dave

Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject ecstasy directly into their mouths.

This dangerous practice is known as E by gum.

We're doomed to the chasm of fire and brimstone, Bob!

Never mind the corner or the coat Dave just ........................... :applause:

Did you hear about the bloke who bored three holes in his garden?
No? Well, well, well……

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when
he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a
little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You
sign!"


Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing
there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,
"You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him: "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man," and
shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the
little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts
his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little
Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man.
I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a
clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are
TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his
temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and
yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must
have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and
says:


"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

Please give time to repair the wall before we have to bang our heads against it again!

Look at the opportunity you missed!

A grasshopper hops into a bar.
The bartender says: "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper replies: "You've got a drink named Steve?"