Too much information V, far too much.

I'll break one of my own rules and mention others waterworks....... Modify a package of Pampers FFS; you're beginning to behave like poor old Private Godfrey.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night club.



The bouncer said: "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai."

A little boy with a large holdall was stopped by the local policeman.

"What are you doing with that big bag sonny? You can hardly carry it, can I look inside?"

"It's got all me favourite toys and books, that's all." the boy replied sullenly.

"And why is that?" asked the policeman.

"Because I'm running away from home, that's why."

"Ah, I see now. So, please tell me lad, why are you running away from your lovely home."

"Well," replied the young boy, "When I went along the landing to the bathroom last night, I heard Mummy and Daddy talking . I stopped to listen and heard Daddy saying he was going to pull out soon, and Mummy replied that she would be coming too. If they think they can push off and leave me with a £250,000 mortgage around my neck, they can think again."

Male Health Check
 

Here is a new urine test program for men.

I just found a podcast about procrastination, but I might listen to it later.

Try this test and find out what film is your favourite. This simple maths quiz can likely predict which of the 18 films listed below you would enjoy the most. Dont ask me how, but it really works! Before you look at the list, do the test to check it out. You'll be astonished at its accuracy.

Film Test:

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits that make this result together to find your predicted favourite film in the list below.








Film List:

1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A sheep
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

I found a nice job working along the Cumbria coast.
I was told to carry a Geiger counter and I couldn't work out why.

Then it clicked.

How true is this?

You can't help but think there's a bit of wishful thinking going on here ..... :eek:

Cheaper than a 'high energy' ignitor pack?

Things you never see on Star Trek .... :eek:

Quite an achievement!

Dont try selling them on the street corner Ron.

I had this recurring dream that I was covered in Gold paint.

I went to the doctor who told me I had a gilt complex.

As I get older, I remember all the people I have lost along the way.

Maybe it wasn't the best choice to spend my career as a tour guide.

Saw Tommy Cooper doing a routine on TV and this is a typical TC joke, all about the delivery.

"I went to the Doctor and told him I think I've broken my arm in several places."
He said: "Well don't go to those places."

Hi Ho Silver
 

The Lone Ranger and his trusty sidekick had to camp overnight so they pitched their tent and went to bed. Lone ranger woke during the night and shook his buddy. See all the millions of stars in the heavens he said. Yes, Kemsabe was his reply.
Someone has stolen the bloody tent he said.

One of the first programmes I watched on our new "KB New Queen" television set, about 1958 or 9.
Great fun was had adjusting the Vertical and Horizontal Hold buttons at the back. It was also switched off in bad weather in case lightening came down the aerial and blew the set, and us, up. Innocent or what.

ES's Television Saga over the years .... (retreats to Nuclear Bunker.):p

Inner Peace
 

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,



Then You Are Probably The Family Dog

Time to go….

Quite accurate, just add a pair of glasses and you have me.

1966 : Long hair

2021 : Longing for hair



1966: KEG
2021 : EKG



1966 : Acid rock
2021: Acid reflux



1966: Moving to California because it's cool

2021 : Moving to Arizona because it's warm



1966 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

2021 : Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor



1966: Hoping for a BMW
2021 : Hoping for a BM



1966: Going to a new, hip joint
2021 : Receiving a new hip joint



1966 : Rolling Stones
2021 : Kidney Stones



1966: Screw the system
2021 : Upgrade the system



1966: Disco
2021 : Costco



1966: Passing the drivers' test
2021 : Passing the vision test



1966 : Whatever

2021 : Depends

Good one Uncle John! Very true!
Best Regards,
Dave

“Doctor, I think I’m losing my mind. It’s really getting to me, how I mix up my E’s and I’s, and O’s and U’s.”

He replied, to “No, your mind Is fine, you’ve developed irritable vowel syndrome.”

I have family scattered about throughout the Black Country. They sent me this which gave me a much needed laugh as I ply through chemo therapy.

"I ay a Brummie." I had to say that a few times when joining a ship. :sweat::sweat:

He shouldn't have asked.

An American humourist claimed that all kamikaze pilots who saw actual service were the ones who failed basic training.

My mate phoned me & said “I'm 20 hours into my sponsored Semaphore Signalling marathon.”

I replied, “Then why are you ringing me?”

He said “ ‘Cos I'm just starting to flag quite badly.”

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub..
What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks..
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..
"What the f**k would they want with a plasterer???!!!"

Bob, did you sit in front of your PC and sacrifice 2 hours of your life typing a story about a duck??? Are you trying to outstringer Ron Stringer?
I suppose it's better than watching Newsnight this evening.

You must be kwackers…

Outstring Ron Stringer ..... ??

That would be like drawing down on Raylan Givens .... :eek:

I know my place. :supercool:

“Dad, there’s a man at the door with a bill”
“Don’t be silly, it can’t be a man, it must be a duck”

You have to admit that a duck that can plaster a wall is an expert about cwacks.

I wouldn't employ him, hate to see the size of his bill.

(Jeezuz what have I done ??) :eek:

He would only spend it all in the pub getting plastered.

My daft mate said to me, “If I was a rapper I’d give myself the handle Gershwin & I’d sell my music exclusively on Compact Disc, with Azur coloured cover art.”

Why so specific?", says me.

“Because then, they’d be Gershwins Rap CDs in Blue!”