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A sad day today when the well-known song writer died. His best know song is "Hokey Pokey"
The funeral home had problems securing his casket as they put his left leg in and it put his left leg out. Same with his hands. |
A sardonic Senior might say. . .
As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but annoying everyone is a piece of cake. I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it. My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there. It’s not my age that bothers me; it’s the side effects. I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day. As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation. Me, sobbing: "I can't see you anymore. . . . I'm not going to let you hurt me again." My Trainer: "It was one sit-up.” As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy. The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient. I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag. If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban. Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff. I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas. God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round. . . and laughed and laughed and laughed. I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one. I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes. My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from. Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling. Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response. She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now. So you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life, but you won’t take the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it. Are you kidding me? Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass. There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest |
A lizard walks into the Doctors,
He says to the Doctor, "I'm having trouble getting a stiffy" The Doctor said "Don't worry i see this all the time you have a reptile dysfunction". |
"Doctor Doctor, I think I've become invisible !"
"Who said that ?" |
I went to the Air and Space museum, but there was nothing there.
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Graham Martin is in hospital.
So who the hell is Graham Martin you might ask ? Well, Graham is the fellah who got home late one night and Helen, his wife, says: "Where the hell have you been ?" Graham replies: "I was getting a tattoo." "A tattoo ?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get ?" "I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed onto my privates," he replied proudly. "What the hell were you thinking ?" she asked, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on Earth would a chartered accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed onto his privates ?" Graham replied: "Well ... One: I like to watch my money grow. Two: Once in a while I like to play with my money. Three: I like how money feels in my hand. ... and lastly .. instead of going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want !!" Graham is now in the Critical Care Unit, room 223. No visitors are allowed until further notice as they've had to put two armed guards on the life support machine. |
The entrance exam for medical school
when students took the entrance exam for medical school, they were perplexed by this question: "rearrange the letters p-n-e-s-i to spell out the part of the human body that is most useful when erect." those who spelled spine became doctors. The rest are in congress. |
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Can't possibly refer to a seafarer.
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I'm going to nick that one Ron :sweat: and put it on the ROA's WhatsApp group (they've been discussing booze for a day now.)
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Don't think you'll want to nick this one Bob.
One holiday in Greece, my mate came across an Octopus on the shoreline next to some clean cups, saucers & dishes. He said “It must have washed up on the beach. |
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I just might ..... :sweat:
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Signs we have seen
Did I read that sign right?
"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW." ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ - In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------------- In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS... ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------- In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------- In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -- Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -- Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS... ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------ Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so.) ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------- Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------------- Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------- Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------- On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.) Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say? ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -- Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Really? Ya' think? ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Now that's taking things a bit far! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over What a guy! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------- Miners Refuse to Work after Death No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant See if that works better than a fair trial! ----------------------------- ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------- War Dims Hope for Peace I can see where it might have that effect! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya' think?! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Who would have thought! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------- Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide They may be on to something! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------- Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge He probably IS the battery charge! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Weren't they fat enough?! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft That's what he gets for eating those beans! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Do they taste like chicken? ****************************** ****************************** ******************** Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Chainsaw Massacre all over again! ****************************** ****************************** ****************************** **** Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Boy, are they tall! ****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ***** And the winner is... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Did I read that right? ****************************** ****************************** ****************************** |
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The thing was, Petacalco is about 4 metres above sea level. When there is a storm, the coastal land becomes fluidized from the waves. Sure enough, next day, entering the power plant, the small cemetery had several ejected coffins, fallen headstones etc. ! Very eerie indeed! Rgds. Dave |
Thanks, Dave. We live in Torquay, which sometimes makes one wish for a tsunami to sort out the walking dead around the harbour...
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Flag seen flying over Glastonbury .... :p
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During Euro 2012 football a group of Irish supporters flew a banner saying, "Angela Merkel thinks we're at work." It is not known what Frau Merkel thought but their bosses thought they were all out sick.
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Any excuse .... :eek:
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It's all happening down there. |
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What excitement, there won't be a dry seat in the town.
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I had a look at Devon Live - A good laugh! The yacht has been raised, a car sticking out of a bungalow window, drink diving crash, another crash closes promenade, construction worker suffers medical crisis! A hotbed of news!
Rgds. Dave |
And the Fire Brigade were called to rescue Mrs Fortescue's cat from the neighbours ash tree. Frew, Frew and Barney McGrew turned out.
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Sometimes a run ashore can get a bit out of hand ...... :eek: :D
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My mate was so poor when he was growing up that he couldn't afford shoes. If he wanted to pop down to the shop he'd put bubble wrap on his feet!
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Long time ago since I was a kid and poor, hell bubble wrap was not invented yet.
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Hey, Alick!
True story - In our neck of the woods, they used to steal the iron gates from houses! No problem with the doorstep though, we didn't have one! Rgds. Dave |
Door steps? We used to dream about having a door step, we considered ourselves lucky to have a door……..
Next! |
Malcolm,
My grandmother, living in 6 Rankin Street, Wallasey, during the war got sick of the workmen coming around after a "raid" to repair damage. One of her favourite stories was the front door, blown off its hinges many times. In the end, she chased the workmen away who were trying to rehang it and replaced it with a thick black out curtain which lasted to the end of the war. Front door - No front door at the Hooper's! Rgds. Dave |
My mate’s been sacked from his job as a security guard at the Henry VIII museum.
Apparently, without checking, he just let people amble in. |
Why can't baby monitors just be called listening devices for crying out loud?!!!!!
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Dear oh dear Ron. :jump:
(I've sent all my groan-o-meters and spare parts to the great big Groan in the Sky.) :shock: |
Thank heavens for that! The last thing this thread needs is joke monitoring - a joke is a joke!
JJ. |
My pal went for a job as a lumberjack.
They asked for some proof of experience. "I'm sorry I haven’t", he said, "Perhaps on reflection, I should have kept a log". |
There may come a day when JJ develops a sense of humour ... but I wont hold my breath.
:bye: |
On the contrary. Humour has always attracted a good heckler or two. Perhaps we will attract one, eventually.
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An honest recorded message.
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Everyday facts - according to Hollywood.
1 During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. 2 All telephone numbers in America begin with the digit 555. 3 Most dogs are immortal. 4 If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. 5 All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. 6 All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. 7 It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. 8 Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving 9 The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. 10 If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before now. 11 You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. 12 Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do. 13 If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. 14 The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. 15 A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 16 If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. 17 When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. 18 Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe. 19 Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. 20 If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. 21 Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now. 22 Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon, and waffles for their family every morning even though their husbands and children never have time to eat it. 23 Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. 24 The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job. 25 A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium. 26 Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. 27 Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology. 28 Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. 29 It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. 30 Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. 31 All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. 32 It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting. 33 A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. 34 If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. 35 Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization (especially a Macintosh) |
Malcolm you're a killjoy and in danger of being lumped with V and JJ.
And most dogs are immoral, the dirty beasts. |
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