Shipping History - Humour the best of medicine

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Watch out , I might flash up my steam powered moan-o-meter..

I might like that but I would be surprised if JJ would.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Malcolm G (Post 45338)

Watch out , I might flash up my steam powered moan-o-meter..

You had better increase the boiler pressure beforehand (just in case). :chuckle:

A joke is a joke!

Indeed it is but some jokes are jokier than others. Bob, Ron and Malcolm are at the top of their game and I often wet myself reading them. Makko, and V are nibbling at their heels and YM is on the up having left the Wheeltappers and Shunters.
Give the lads a break, the Groan-a-Meter was up there with the Oxygen Meter during the Lockdown, to get us through in good fettle.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Malcolm G (Post 45335)

Everyday facts - according to Hollywood.

1 During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2 All telephone numbers in America begin with the digit 555.
3 Most dogs are immortal.
4 If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
5 All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
6 All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
7 It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
8 Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving
9 The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
10 If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
11 You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
12 Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do.
13 If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
14 The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
15 A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
16 If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
17 When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
18 Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
19 Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
20 If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
21 Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
22 Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon, and waffles for their family every morning even though their husbands and children never have time to eat it.
23 Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
24 The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
25 A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
26 Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
27 Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
28 Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
29 It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
30 Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
31 All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
32 It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
33 A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
34 If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
35 Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization (especially a Macintosh)

36 Tyres (tires) of all cars always squeal when going round corners, no matter how slowly.
37 The posse chasing the suspect on horseback will always pass the same clump of trees at least three times.
38 The pianist is always playing the low notes when the soundtrack is playing the high notes.

Roy.

Just to let you know, at the Catering College I've nearly finished my sandwich-filling course.

Got my final eggs ham today.

39 All actors that are immersed in water have clothes that can dry instantly.
40 Smooth bore black powder Colt Single Action Army revolvers are accurate up to 500 yards.

#36 - That would be the special screechy-dust that that they lay on country roads before they start filming.

seeing its Wimbledon…….

Whilst watching tennis l like to have a refreshing sweet in my pocket. It's my Handy Murray Mint.

♫♪ Murray Mints, Murray Mints .. too good to hurry mints. ♪♫ :curtain_call:

That shows yer age a bit .... :eek:

Quote:

Originally Posted by BobClay (Post 45347)

♫♪ Murray Mints, Murray Mints .. too good to hurry mints. ♪♫ :curtain_call:

That shows yer age a bit .... :eek:

And here's the real thing

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPq3qtDgITg

That was so good I wanted to march with them.

Never have a G&T with any hint of a Murray mint in one's mouth. Turns it from nectar to mortuary drippings (or what one could imagine as the taste of such drippings).

Well that's got our attention.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Engine Serang (Post 45352)

Well that's got our attention.

Has a way with words, does our Mr V.

Definitely spoiled my memories of a dripping sandwich for breakfast on a Monday morning ... :eek:

I went in this cafe today and saw two waitresses knocking lumps out of one another.

I asked the boss what it was all about & he explained that it was long-term disagreement about how long to leave a teabag in the pot!

He said, “It’s been brewing for ages.”

Try it for yourselves (the G&T that is not corpse pressings).

Watch Out For Your Eyes

You can't help but think but harbour the thought it might almost be worth losing an eye for .....:sweat:

Go for it Bob, remember the old saying I dont care if I do Die, do Die,Eye.

The image that launched a thousand Cadillacs.

♫ DA DOO RON RON RON
DA DOO RON RON ♪

:supercool::eek::cool:

Got a belly laugh from this ... even though it's completely daft !!! :sweat:

Two shrinks pass each other in the street:

'You're OK'
'How am I?'

(It's OK I am logging off now) :huh:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Harry Nicholson (Post 45395)

Horseman, whither goest thou?

https://www.facebook.com/1492832337/...77923646470207

Nowt wrong with that.
He got his to reverse when everyone else could only stand still.

Possible issues that he was going down-diddly-down when he should have been going up-diddly-up, and vice-versa, still, that`s why God gave you three testicles, so you could have a bit of a practice.

My mates’s wife, on holiday on the Cumbrian coast was bitten by a radioactive owl. Oddly, she's now apparently making all his important decisions for him.

He said, “I think she's been given the power of a tawny.”

Mr Varley, off this parish, has led me to believe Tawny is a drink. Ron, say it ain't so.

Are you, by any chance, related to the Bicardi empire. I do hope so.

Bicardi? Sorry I'm not yet old enough to wear even a single cardi. Admit to wearing sweaters in the depth of winter but only if I'm not wearing an undervest.

My West Indian mate was really upset when his triangle broke and couldn't play in his reggae band,.

A few days later he said, “I’ve welded it back together now so every little ting, gonna be alright!”

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ron Stringer (Post 45400)

Bicardi? Sorry I'm not yet old enough to wear even a single cardi. Admit to wearing sweaters in the depth of winter but only if I'm not wearing an undervest.

Please stay North of your belly-button.

Bicardis don't keep one that warm. The heat comes from the Coke.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Varley (Post 45404)

Bicardis don't keep one that warm. The heat comes from the Coke.

Would that be Welsh or Newcastle Coke.:jester:

Sounds bizarre this I know but I saw a party of ramblers yesterday, being led by a man on stilts, wearing a crown & barking orders.

When I asked who he was they replied, “He's our high king coach.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ron Stringer (Post 45408)

Sounds bizarre this I know but I saw a party of ramblers yesterday, being led by a man on stilts, wearing a crown & barking orders.

When I asked who he was they replied, “He's our high king coach.

.... and I thought I could match this !!!!

(Dream on Bob.) :chuckle:

I vote to lobotomize Mr. Stringer! He really has reached depths that no other human can! But, then again, he is a Sparkie - Maybe he isn't human? Most Sparkies weren't, I am sure they were infiltrated by the Men in Black!

Tee-Hee!
Dave

Or too many Volts and Jolts Dave.:cloud::brain:

Yes, U. John. The electricians that would check for current using their fingers on two bare wires!
Rgds.
Dave