But the old bare fingers job never fails to detect .... (well, for the first time anyway.) :eek:

It is usually ascribed to morse code. It can't be bare finger detection, until one graduates to electrician the voltages risked are too low. Anyway it can't be that either as there's nothing wrong with MEeeeeeeeeeeee!

Came across a street fight in town last night when suddenly, a low loader lorry arrived at the scene with a small group of trees on the back.

I thought, “Eh up, someone must have called the copse.”

Retires to study. There will be the sound of a hammer being pulled back on a .357 magnum. Followed by a shistol pot ... I mean a postol sh1t ... I mean a shostil pit.

Ahhh sod it I didn't want to do it anyway.

There will be the sound of a beer can opening instead .. (close enough for government work.):pint:

My daft mate plays in a brass band and heard that toothpaste is good for cleaning the instruments.

He phoned me and said “Ron, do you know where I can get a decent tuba toothpaste from?”

My mates’s not had much luck this week & everything he touches seems to go wrong.
Yesterday he paid a joiner up front to make a king-sized bed and he's gone and done a bunk.

He said, “Honestly, it's just one thing on top of another.”

Jesus lads, are youse making these up or stealing them from the Bob Monkhouse book of shitty jokes.

Delete Bob Monkhouse and insert Dave Allen, negative Catholic Priest.

Some sound just like Tommy Cooper. Not like that, like that, Hahhaaha......

At the Olympics, Greece entered some canoeists in the slalom event. One of them accidently overturned and lost his paddle. He struggled upright, shook the water out of his ears, and was encouraged to carry on using his hands when he heard the crowd chanting,


"Up the Greek without a paddle....."

Alternatives…
https://youtu.be/xt0V0_1MS0Q

Note - Mods: This I found on a Youtube video of non-PC advertisments from the past. If you think it is unsuitable, please take it down. It not only evoked a titter and a snigger from me, but also various guffaws:

Rgds.
Dave

Bring on the Kippers.

It's not You-Tubing for me. But I'll take advice and stop using Lifebuoy in/on my mimsy, which I think is near my, near my.......... What do you mean I'm disqualified? I have declared that I have a mimsy and therefore I have one , just ask that Mordaunt chap.

I just re-read it and had a belly laugh! Sorry if anyone thinks that it is over the top.............WOKE ALERT!
Rgds.
Dave

Dave did you read the captions under the small photos.

Yesterday I was driving down a lane near here when my car was suddenly covered in sour cream and chives. What a mess!

I must have missed the sign for a hidden dip in the road.

I just cannot make them out, but they appear to be rude too!

I googled the soap and got clearer images!!!!!

You were looking for Non-PC soap adverts?
They don't get much more outrageous than this.
I suspect it was even 'frowned upon' at the time.

David, I enlarged the photo YOU POSTED and I was shocked to the bone.
Go and and wash your mouth out with Lux and then sit in the corner.:jester::king:

Thank you Hugh! What disgusting comments, I am thoroughly ashame!

Uncle John, I am off to wash my mouth out and sit in the corner facing the wall.

Then, I will examine all the other Lux adverts!

Rgds.
Dave

Good investigating work Dave, those are gems lost in history.

Advise you to wash out your mouth before you let the soap near your mimsy.
Palm Line people ought to be ashamed of themselves.

I will never read Jabberwocky to the children again.

My mate has just been arrested for hitting his fortune telling neighbour after she laughed at him.

He said, “I can’t believe it; The Police have charged me just for striking a happy medium.”

I suspect there's one or two on here who might find themselves in this situation .... :p

Never the socks, never the socks.

(Well, not unless they're the stay-alive ones one is obliged to endure post op.)

I could get away with wearing sandals at sea but tropical uniform (whites) required white socks. So knee socks or ankle socks (folded down) but NEVER EVER half way up the calf with shorts, that's long trousers country. These days the sandal-sock combo is usually confined to anti blister duties - breaking in new sandals, or anti mosquito - the little perishers seem to like my ankles!

A lot of men are built where they cant wear shorts.

My best pal went on a seaside caravan holiday. Every morning a sea bird would come, tap on the door looking for food.

He gave the bird breadcrumbs and, as the days went by, got the cheeky chappy to do funny dances or little tricks.

However, when they returned home, both he & his wife developed rashes.

The Doctor explained that they had developed a fun gull infection. TV

.... however there were some flying mishaps .... :sweat:

A story that had my rather taciturn house guest laughing yesterday. I have had a seagull family on the roof this year. One of the chicks was, I think, blown onto the ground being found marching about the garden quite unperturbed by the presence of four cats. I don't know how he got in but at crack of sparrows (perhaps shattering of seagull) I, and bedsharing cat, were woken by one loud shriek followed by another. Unbelieving I got out of bed to find the bird marching around my bedroom (cat idly looking-on without any hostile intent. Or none that he was letting show, anyway).

Having 'rescued it' I returned it to the flat roof (not sure if the parents are looking after it and I may have to rescue it again as it obviously isn't strong enough to breach the parapet jumping, flying or flumping). Annoying creatures but I would not have one suffering or becoming a premature corpse.

My Dad found one in his garden (Wallasey) with an injured wing. He got treatment for the gull and it recovered. Before it could fly again, it just strutted around the garden and would often snooze besides my Dad's golden labrador, on the lawn. He even used to get in Dad's pond for a bath!

Once he could fly, he returned regularly, mainly to snuggle up to the labrador on the lawn.

My Dad (Mar.Eng.) swore it was the spirit of his father (AB) come to see how he had got on in life.

I know, not a joke, but a bit of a fun anecdote.

Rgds.
Dave

BTW, for anyone interested, here are the captions to the two cartoons in my Mimsy post (complete the vowels!):

"I hp h nshs my bx tnght!"
"I hp sh scrbbd hr twt!"

Thoroughly disgusting and thanks to Hugh Shuttleworth for leading me to the further discovery! Thanks, Hugh! Thoroughly disgusting!

Rgds.
Dave

A chap used to be very interested in farm machinery and would travel all over the country to look at them and hear them running.
But he tired of this and he is now………



An ex-tractor fan….

I’m lucky, my wife has no idea how to use a mobile phone…

My mate phoned the RSPCA and told them he had polecat clinging onto his ceiling fan for dear life.

They said “Are you sure?”

He said, “You'll just have to take my whirred ferret.”

"Hello is that the cricket club?"

“Yes".

“Could I speak to Mike please?”

“I’m sorry, he’s in at the moment, I’ll get him to call you back when he’s out".

We need Ron Stringer banned!

Well done, Ron!

Rgds.
Dave

And he could be In or Out for 5 days. Go figure.