or Tommy Cooper one liners:

Doctor, I'm aching in all sorts of places.
Well don't go to those places.

I'm hoping I can still get a good cup of coffee when the barristers go on strike.

Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask.

With their 10 A-Levels, honours degree, Devilling with Brick Court Chambers, wig, gown, pony and soft top Beemer they are not capable of making a cup of coffee.

No, but 99% of them can still give the remainder of the profession a bad name.

It's either this or tell him to proceed forth in short jerky movements .... :big_tongue:

Yeas ago I predicted that Julie Andrews was destined for stardom. From the very first time I heard her sing Doh Re Mi, I just knew she was going to go so far!

A genie offered me a single wish, for anything I desired. I said that I didn't value material goods and merely wanted to be happy.

Now I live with six other little guys in the woods and work down a mine.

Ron Stringer for King !!! :jump:

My mate Bill was on a flight sat next to a guy from the brass section of the Halle orchestra. It was a difficult conversation, he had profound opinions and it was obvious that he loved himself.

"Mmmm." Bill thought, "a deep, vain trombonist."

My mate brought out a book on basement conversions last week.

It's gone straight to number one on the best cellars list.

The other day, while browsing through old vinyl discs in a charity shop, I was intrigued by a 7" disc entitled "The Sounds of Wasps". So I bought it but, on getting home and playing it for the first time, I was really disappointed to find that it sounded nothing like wasps.

Then I realized that I was playing the 'B' side.

My old grandmother was feeling unwell and a Irish friend told us about a remedy from his grandmother which involved covering her in melted butter, but she went downhill very quickly after that.
The doctors did all they could but she just slipped away…

"Doctor Doctor, I think I've developed an inferiority complex .... "

"I can't think why you insignificant little worm ... "

A man walked into a bar and swore, cursed, blasphemed and voiced profanities.

It was an iron bar.

Bert told his wife that he had bumped into her mate at the superstore and that she showed him a picture of her new baby on her phone.

“Oh fab, what did she have?” She asked excitedly.

Bert replied... “An IPhone 11”

Got a new hobby. A couple of days a week, I spend two hours bell-ringing. Some people find it an odd thing to do with my time, but I find it very therapeutic.

The bus driver seems less keen on it, though...

Shades of Andy Capp

NASA is heading back to the moon and I’m reading a book about anti-gravity, it’s impossible to put down.

I was on holiday in London, when an American tourist stopped me and asked me the best way to Selfridges?…
I told him to put them on eBay…

I met an athlete, walking through the Olympic Village, carrying a long pole:
"Ahhh! Your a Pole Vaulter.", I said to him.

"No, I am German. How do you know my name?", he replied.

We must rigorously defend the abominably low standards of this thread, at all costs!

Rgds.
Dave

He was followed by a chap trying to get in free to watch the Games. He had some long wooden poles under one arm, and a coil of barbed wire over his shoulder. When he got to Security, he was asked what competition he was entering.
"Fencing," he replied.

The Irish Fencing Team had to withdraw from the Olympical Games; they ran out of creosote.

Sixth year science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she replies. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time little Johnny raises his hand.
"Yes, Johnny?" says Mrs. Sampson.
"Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Johnny. Thank you."

Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says:
"Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

Or 4 budgies.
But the fourth one has to perch on one leg.

A man was walking along a road when he hears a strange voice saying “thirteen” over and over again.
The voice seems to be coming from behind a tall fence.
The man sees a crack in the fence and puts his head down and looks through the crack. As he does so someone pokes a stick in his eye and he reels back.


The strange voice then shouts “fourteen!”

Amazing new discovery ....

The great god leapt on his horse
Rode bareback through the sky
As he rode he shouted out his name
I'm Thor, I'm Thor, I'm Thor







Thould have uthed a thaddle, thilly

You'll get hammered for that one, Bob.

Or heavily whacked with a Mjöllnir. :wink:

As one would expect from Thor.

Keeping up with Bob and the Kenneth Williams type jokes:

KW as Caesar -

"Infamy, INFAMY! They've all got it in for me!".
Murdered, Brutus casting the first blow......

Rgds.
Dave

We were totally baffled by a recent pub quiz question about old films: Question One, ‘Who played the lead in Lassie’?

Lassie is a dog food, a tin of meaty chunks in a nutritious gravy.

As I thought, you don't have the leash idea.

For Sale - Hot prospect.

I've eaten worse in the Star of Bengal. And I had a touch of nannoreah.

Where can one buy the Naan bed cover? It would hide beautifully our 16 year old, deaf and blind, incontinent cat's accidents!
Rgds,
Dave

I'll stick with Chapatis and Parathas; Chapatis fresh from the Bhandary, Parathas wrapped round Jalfrezi!

Hope no-one sleepwalks.