I want one.

JJ.

Did you hear about the chap with two wooden legs whose house caught fire.....

They managed to save the house but the chap was burnt to the ground.

For anyone of a sensitive nature, that joke was told to me by a mate at work, who had married a Chinese girl, who had a prosthetic leg - an accident with a bus in Hong Kong. He came into work one shift and told me that his wife had had an accident the day before and broken her leg. Me thinking wrongly he meant the 'good' one I said, "Bloody hell Alan, that's terrible". He replied, with a wry smile, "It's ok, she's got a spare one"..........

JJ.

Didn't the coppers 'do' the first for arsing around?

No chance in an arse kicking contest then!

Chap with two wooden legs that had woodworm - He wasn't left with a leg to stand on!

Brings a whole new meaning to arson.

But many entries for the arse licking contest.

Chap with pain in portside testicle. It needed removal and, as of its time, only a wooden prosthesis available to replace it.

Some time later he returns to the medic with pain in both sides. After a lengthy examination he was told the result:

"My, my, what a lucky chap. Syph in one, death-watch beetle in the other".

When Macca was married to Heather Mills he bought her a plane for Christmas...............................and a LadyShave for the other leg.

O Mull of Kintyre and mist rolling in from the sea.

I think you're a Linda man.

That prompted another joke from the W.M.Club comics:-

Have you seen a dog with wings?........Linda Mac.....Not very nice joke though.

JJ.

Linda and her cloth beefburgers.

But her sausages and sausage rolls are tasty (and the former fool the cats).

Pekka and Matti have been at sea without any liquor for a long time when Pekka suggests: “Matti, shall we not make a hole in the compass and tap a little of the liquor therein? Matti answers him with alarm and reproach: “Don’t you know that you will go blind from the stuff in there!?” Whereupon Pekka stays silent for some time before enquiring: “Matti, have we two not seen everything there is to see?
(The names are Finnish, it may be that for the English to see the joke the two would have to be named Neal and Paddy. :) )

And if you were Irish then it would be two Kerrymen - Padraig and Seamus.:jester:

How Skynet began .... :egg:

WARNING
Be extra careful on the roads over the Christmas holiday,
A lot of men will be drinking …………. and getting their wives to drive them home!

Ha ha ha! Wife decided No.1 daughter should look for shoes for the religious wedding, here on visit to Monterrey.

Wife wanted me to be chauffeur - NO was my answer.

They left - after approximately three minutes, message from daughter,"Will we make it back alive?!"

Merry Xmas,
Dave

Santa ... also not wearing a mask .... :p

A guy walks into a bar and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why they are there.

The bartender replies: "If you can jump up and slap the meat you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you have to pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to give it a try ?"

The guy replies: "Nah ... the steaks are too high."

(Gets coat and puts bacofoil hat on.) :p

Happy New Year.


I know it's late, I had a moving of household and internet was late arriving.


Best to all - E.

Herr Clay, have you heard the spittoon joke?

I don't think so, but I suspect I'm about to. Go for it !!! :p

An old sot enters a bar & declares "I'm gonna take a drink from that spittoon unless someone stands me a drink!"
No-one replys, so said sot lifts the spittoon -takes a sip - starts to put it down, but raises it up again and chugs all. People are running away, some leaving cash on the bar, some are getting sick, and the sot drains the cuspidor. The barmaid asks, "what the hell is wrong with you? I was going to give you a drink!" Sot replies, "I couldn't stop - it all came out in a long string!"

:sweat::sweat::eek::eek: