Cheers my neighbour I'm having a late breakfast.

Concerned neighbour .... :p

Meanwhile, down the road at Tommy’s

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral.

However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him,

"Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out as well.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one uckin' ear.

Good one, John! It gave me a good chuckle.

Then there was the Ark Royal on flying ops. The Fleet Admiral was onboard and admiring the efficiency getting Sea Vipers and Scimitars into the air. However, he was not very popular with the men.

He then asked out loaud, to no one in particular, and a trifle tetchy, "WHERE are the Buccaneers?".

The helmsman answered, very softly,"On the sides of your buckin' 'ead!"

Rgds.
Dave

I like daft jokes first thing in the morning. Sets you up for the day .... :p

Indeed your day can only improve after some of the howlers you publish.

Three Nuns were unfortunately killed in a car crash and ended up at the Pearly Gates and were greeted by St. Peter.
Before you can enter he informed them you must answer a question about the Bible.
To the first Nun, he questioned "who was the first man on earth. Her reply was Adam. "Correct" he said you may enter.
The second he said "sister who was the first woman? She answered Eve. Correct was his response. You may enter the kingdom of heaven.
To the last Nun, Mother superior, he said as you should be more knowledgeable the question will be more difficult.
His question was "what here the first words Eve uttered when she met Adam??
Mother Superior gazed up for inspiration and after a few moments said "that's a hard one "
Correct said The gates guardian you may enter.

And the poor old fig leaf is forgotten.

Topical
 

I was visiting a friend in hospital and as I passed one of the wards I heard singing and merriment, then someone reciting “Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face, Great Chieftain
o’ the Puddin-race!”,

I said to one of the orderlies “ What’s going on in there?’,

He said ‘That’s the Burns Unit’.

Good'un, Ron! Keep it up and revive the Groan-o-meter!

Dear oh dear Ron, I shouldn't laugh.... but I can't help it ... :sweat:

Groan-o-meter reading, Bob? Very nearly 100%!!

How Noah made some tactical mistakes with the cargo ..... :eek:

For Mr Clay my Groan 0 Meter is calibrated on an inverse logarithmethic scale. Else the calibrations would be from 99 and a half to 100%. Its a reverse polarity Tmax Snigger 0 Meter.

Pneumatic and completely linear....
Apart from the top 1% when the needle falls off.

Sorry. Does not pass peer review. Only linear because you have omitted guffawing and chuckling.

Yes, just realised that the Daily Mail favourite, hilarious, is also missing. But in that context it actually means mildly amusing, so it’s back to the drawing board.

Reminds me of an old music hall joke which I have forgotten.

But the punch line is that a Little Titter ran thro the audience.

I understood 'hilarious' and 'mildly amusing' to be metric. Surely this joke is imperial.

A little titter did run round the Peel Courthouse when the defending advocate challenged me as to whether I drank when I responded 'I presume you mean alcohol'? after, continuing with 'Vast quantities, Sir' (to High Bailiff Williamson - I know it should have been 'your Worship' before I am pulled up for that).

Indeed, the great A P Herbert wrote a story about it in his series of Misleading Cases. He called it, "The Day the Circus Came to Peel"

'Reminds me of an old music hall joke which I have forgotten. '

Who said that he isn't Irish?:confused:

I'm Irish and British but I'm not related to Ned Kelly.
My Britishness, Irishness and Ulster-Scots-Ness is very flexible and totally interchangeable as any situation requires.

God Save the Queen.
God Save the Uachtarán na hÉireann.
God Save the Moderator of the General Assembly of the Free Church of Scotland.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went into a bar but before they could say a word the bartender came around the bar and threw them all out onto the street.

"I'm Welsh," the bartender shouted. "And if I can't be in the joke, then there is no joke boyoh !! "

Ah the sap is rising in the valleys now the six nations are upon us.