A skeleton walks into a bar and says . . .


. ."Gimme a beer. And a mop."

Dyslexics of the world untie, you have nothing to chain but your loos.

Hear about the "Blonds Aren't Dumb Convention" ?

They hired out a football stadium and it was a complete sell out with thousands of blonde women turning up to prove the point.
The highlight was when a respected university professor chose a random member from the crowd to ask her a simple maths question, the idea being if she gets it right then obviously blondes aren't dumb.

The professor asks "What is 20 multiplied by 12?"
Her reply"222"
"Wrong, the correct answer is 240"

"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!", shouts the crowd.

So the professor asks a different question, "What is 7 multiplied by 8?
Quick as a flash she answers "74"
"Wrong again says the professor, the answer is 56"

"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" shouts the crowd again.

The professor thinks of a much simpler question, "What is 10 multiplied by 10?"
"100" says the blonde enthusiastically.
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" shouts the crowd...

Damn-it E-S, you're right. I forgot the comma.

Ring any bells?

As soon as my grandad saw it, he absolutely predicted that the Titanic would sink!
He shouted to everybody, over and over again, “that ship is GOING TO SINK!!”, but nobody would listen!



They just threw him out of the cinema!

My friend keeps trying to outwit me by using bird puns.

Well toucan play at that game

Wirral Globe (spoof) headline:
"RSPCA called out to Wallasey Golf Club after reports of a local Doctor shooting an eagle."

Where do i send the BILL

Talk about jokes on a wing and prayer, you lot should be up before the beak.

Yes Bob, positively Batty! (Oops! A bat is not a bird!)

aaaa ... close enought for Government work ... :huh:

Been out all day so apologies for a not so swift reply. Some of the previous postings have been hard to swallow, or even to pigeon hole. But still, we can't all be culture vultures.

No need to get nesty .... ;)

Hi Bob what would you rather bee or a wasp

Is this what the Americans mean by flipping the bird?

The recent mini thread about businesses with amusing names, combined with ornithological puns running currently, reminded me of a company whose lorries I used to see on the road frequently:-

Sparrows Crane Hire.

To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian.

A thought for today

The guy who invented queuing wouldn't have been as successful if we hadn't got behind him.

I think the yoke is on me .... :egg:

I used to see vans down in Somerset-----------The Chard Meat Company.

There used to be the Quantock Poultry Packers, who many people who had dealings with them called the Quantock Pheasant Pluckers… or something like that.

There is an office cleaning outfit, here in Mexico City, called Juan King..........

Same group as Merchant Bankers.

An eye should also be kept on labelling ... especially with regard to the fonts used .... :shock:

I met a Dalek who was looking for directions home, asking where he was from he replied: "Devon mate."
I asked: "What part mate ?"
He replied:
"Exeter mate, Exeter mate Exeter mate."

Has this one been posted before?

I think my personal technical library was swelled from this particular book store in Kaohsiung, Taiwan! Then the R/O wanted to do a "runner"! A story for another day.....
Rgds.
Dave

My Spanish mate got a black Friday deal this weekend on his new dentures.

Basically it was tooth for Juan.

A surgeon liked to stop in a cocktail bar on his way home after work. He liked to try different cocktails, depending on his mood. One day, he asked the barman for something a little different to his usual choices of a Manhattan, an Old Fashioned, Margarita, Tequila Sunrise or Tom Collins. He told the barman to mix him a cocktail that would remind him of a sunset barbeque on a beach of an island in the Caribbean. The barman brought the concoction and the surgeon took his first sip.
"That's very good, barman.What is it exactly?

"That's my own version of a famous cocktail."

"What do you call it so that I can order one again?"

"It's a Hickory Daquiri, Doc."

Armed Police in Manchester were called out yesterday, when a man attempted a robbery by silently showing a pencil sketch of a firearm.

A police spokesman said, "Thankfully we have the suspect in custody and we hope in future, criminals will think twice before drawing a gun."

Yep, that’s secret….

Shuush, let's keep it a secret.

Meanwhile in America….

If your found going up that road with a paddle ... it is immediately confiscated.

A South American fern has been found that can cure constipation.

A medical spokesman said “With fronds like these, who needs enemas.”


And seeing as it’s Friday……

Just read a great autobiography, "How I inherited a trout farm" by Benny Fishery

Do ya feel lucky punk?

Or maybe this one would better…

Sound engineering. :p

It's no wonder I struggled with A-Level physics. Sound and the introduction of n-p-n diodes caused me many problems. On mature reflection it may have been p-n-p diodes. And 55 years later I can barely use an I-Phone.