Lucky you didn't upset the eraser crowd and risk being rubbed out.

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...

But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My white walls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it.



Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,

Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires !

My Aunt has been in hospital recently. She’s doing okay and has been passing the time by playing board games such as backgammon, draughts and mahjong.
“Any chess?”
“No, she went private”.

This weird woman who lives near us is claimed by some to self identify as a cat.
So I asked her if it was correct,
She said “Me? How?”

(Reloads the Smith and Wesson with Mercury tipped hollow points.) :big_tongue:

Then there was the sex change monk, he left the chapel and came back anon!

Boo! Hiss! Bob, I have a target on my forehead!

Rgds.
Dave

Old Beano or Dandy one:

When is a door not a door?

When its ajar!

I shall retire to the corner and get my coat!

Dave

Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject ecstasy directly into their mouths.

This dangerous practice is known as E by gum.

We're doomed to the chasm of fire and brimstone, Bob!

Never mind the corner or the coat Dave just ........................... :applause:

Did you hear about the bloke who bored three holes in his garden?
No? Well, well, well……

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when
he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a
little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You
sign!"


Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing
there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,
"You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him: "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man," and
shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the
little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts
his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little
Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man.
I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a
clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are
TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his
temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and
yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must
have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and
says:


"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

Please give time to repair the wall before we have to bang our heads against it again!

Look at the opportunity you missed!

A grasshopper hops into a bar.
The bartender says: "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper replies: "You've got a drink named Steve?"

Chatting on Zoom with my friend Don in Brisbane, he told me that he'd failed his exam in Aboriginal music.


I asked, "Didja redo it?"

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse, and then one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

"I'm too young to die!" she wails.
Then she yells:
"Well,if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable. Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

He is gorgeous - tall, well built with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends his hand to the trembling woman and whispers .......

.....

.....

.....

"Iron this."

Addendum: I'd advise anyone not to tell this joke in female company, unless of course you enjoy have a hot iron shoved into a place where it might cause a degree of discomfort.

A deflection. At last. I can see a deflection on my ballistic mirthamometer!

Mr PC (Lite) scores again.

A fellah went into a pet shop and asked: "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The shop owner said: "Do you want an aquarium?"
The fellah replied: "I don't care what star sign it is."

I say we take off, nuke Bob Clay from orbit. It's the only way to be sure!

"Makko plagarized it"!

No, not a flicker this time. I would look at the Groan-o-meter trace but I have taken to leaving the batteries out.

So a Nun, a Rabi, a Lion, a Zombie, a Leprechaun, a goldfish, a Space Alien, a pair of Siamese twins, and a blonde walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

A man was walking home alone one night when he heard something behind him...

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

The man begins to run toward his home, but the coffin just keeps bouncing quickly after him.

FASTER and FASTER.

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin flapping.

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

The coffin is right on the heels of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. With a crash, the coffin breaks down the door. Coming slowly toward him, the man is screaming and he reaches for something, anything.

All he can find is a box of cough drops. Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin.

And, of course, the coffin stops!

"Is there no discouragement that can make him once relent........?"