You get the 2nd mate working on one of these and I'll see if I can find a couple of Decometers.

A woman was concerned that her husband was late from work and thought that he may have stopped for a drink, so she phoned him.
She said: "Please be careful, I just heard on the traffic news on the radio that there is a car driving the wrong way on the motorway."
Husband: "Yes I know, and it's not just one car, there are dozens of them."

I came down with COVID (very "light") after attending the company Xmas "do". We had everything in place to pass Xmas with my daughter and son-in-law in Monterrey, but obviously had to cancel. I had got my annual turkey off the company and this was to be the centre of the Xmas feast! The wife had her roasting tray, serving plate, stuffing recipe all packed and ready to go.

(Scouse Humour:)
I called my daughter and said, "I have some good and bad news!"

"The good news is that, although I have COVID, the symptoms are very, very light, almost imperceptible."

"The bad news is YOU WILL HAVE TO BUY YOUR OWN TURKEY!".

It gave a good chuckle to my 86 YO Dad! Bloody thing is still in the freezer and we don't quite know what to do with it!

All the best for the New Year!

Saludos & Rgds.
Dave

:flowers: Better to have a turkey in the fridge Dave than sitting at the table with you.

Some more points to ponder…

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb."

Number 9 definitely applies in our house. :really_mad:

Tupperware!
Thats posh, we use Tesco own brand.

You also know you're old when recycling means "Didn't we pedal up this road an hour go?"

And also when your computer screen doesn't display the letters you typed in the same ordre yuo tyepd tehm.

Oh my goodness!...I can relate to all of these.
Nowadays "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I am there.

Getting old is like being punished for a crime you did not commit.

16. Do you think I am made of underwear?

I always go with US Singer 'Cher' when she was asked on a chat show what getting old was like.

'It sucks,' she replied.

Good answer ...:D

They didn't tell us about this. I'd have stayed inside:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart...M4MzE5MjA4MAS2

"An asteroid the size of a truck missed the Earth."

It wasn't another delivery by Evri was it?

Most informative whilst somewhat disappointing.

Disappointing that these things are measured in trucks. Not very scientific.

Trucks measure 11 foot six inches by 28 feet which was a revelation to me. I will keep further to the left next time I see an 11 foot six wide truck approaching.

Thank goodness the asteroid was not the size of the Eiffel Tower, a jumbo jet , the Statue of Liberty, Titanic or some other equally scientific unit of measurement.

AS I keep saying(to anyone who will listen)"I hate this getting old ! I'm never going to do this again !"

Trucks, or lorries as Christians call them, or road trains as drivers with flip-flops call them, must have 3 dimensions unless they have an overdrive and can move at the speed of light. Their static dimensions are always quoted in Olympic Swimming Pool equivalents.

RMS Olympic swimming pools of course! :hippy:

Or football fields, if the swimming pool is closed. Another scientific measuring device consists of London buses and one of Queen Mary's funnels.

How many of varley's heads can you get in a swimming pool?

Many more than Varley's bellies!

But without some formula for dealing with difficulty of allowing for the wasted space when stacking rounds (pretty much in all three cases!) you will have to do it like Archimedes.

ARCHIMEDES? what ship was he on?

Sounds like a "Bluie"

I think that this is a likely contender..

Well done you.

A painter and decorator gets the job of painting the inside of his local church and quotes a price for two coats of emulsion.
On day one he thinks that no-one would notice if he mixed the paint 50-50 with water so that he could use half the paint and make more profit.
On day two he is putting a bucket of water into his bucket of paint and mixing it when suddenly the priest emerges for the confessional and challenges the painter, accusing of being the most despicable cheat and of stealing from the church.
The painter says, “Yes OK you’ve caught me, what do you want me to do?”

The Priest says;

….

…..


“Repaint, Repaint, and thin no more!”

For those on this side of the planet, don’t forget to change your clocks by one hour.
I’ve already started…

Just done the Second Mate's job and changed the clocks straight after the evening meal!

We down the engine room will change the clock when we dam'd well like. 2o mins per Watch or thereabouts.

Much to my guests' annoyance all but the too-clever-by-half wireless clocks remain on GMT. Proper house time would be GMT less 14 minutes or thereabouts. To be that horologically pedantic would, of course, be ridiculous.

I could, of course, mount ship's time repeaters (like your engine room clock that you will not be touching unless you want your fingers welded to the telegraph handle) alongside each of the various GMT dials around the house, slaved from my Seiko GC-QMS Marine Master but I think I might then be thought of as a little eccentric (it would also be certain to break the treaty with my Sister-in-Law who refers to my electrically reset gravity arm escapement timepieces as both too numerous and reminding her of mummies).

[QUOTE=Varley;50914]Much to my guests annoyance all but the too-clever-by-half wireless clocks remain on GMT. Proper house time would be GMT less 14 minutes or thereabouts. To be that horologically pedantic would, of course, be ridiculous.


Before the railways were built, local time did indeed vary from town to town with noon being set from a convenient sundial in clement weather. So whatever one's chosen method of keeping track of the time, be it a clock linked to Rugby, a sonorous grandfather in the entrance hall, a chirping cuckoo device,a digital display winking on the microwave, oven or hot water boiler, or a mechanical masterpiece from the land of yodelling and cheese, they all owe their existence to the advent of the steam powered locomotive and a Victorian obsession with standardised accuracy.

https://www.facebook.com/Sebastian.W...58575084568412

Strange humour perhaps . . .

Anyone want to give it a go…

The Mexican version of beer goggles.

Well done, Malcolm G. I was thinking everyone had left.

There’s no one here, only us chickens.
(For any readers of Samuel Clemens).

I have a racing tip for you the horse is called council dump,but watch out it may be a rubbish tip.

Wanna tip? Look both ways before crossing the road!

Groan, groan, gro----an!

Yep, It's time to roll out the groanometer again...

Bob Clay had an electronic meter, much less accurate.

Just in case you ever asked, here is the proof..