For some completely unknown reason, one of those PG Tips adverts (where they are moving the piano) came into my head:

Son - "Dad, do you know the piano's on my foot!"
Dad - "You hum it and I'll play it, son!".

Es viernes!
Rgds.
Dave

'Bit short of steam at the moment, Control'.
'Give us ten minutes for a blow up and we'll be under way'! :rolleyes:

One for the vexillologists

Seems like a good idea

heard of a driver who when he had broken down Phoned the fitters. He said ''I am at a Place called Dangerslow. after much searching eventualy they found him. just outside of Ilford. when asked about it he pointed to a sign saying Danger slow.

At my age I have come to wonder about the hereafter.


I often walk into a room and say: 'What am I here after?"

I’ve just received an email telling me how to read maps backwards.

I think it’s spam.

Looking forward to next summer,
Nothing like a day out on the water...

What floats and smells of urine?

A WI outing to Dover.

There is an element of truth in the cartoon. In the days when I was involved with offshore racing and ocean sailing yachts, a popular pastime for some of the crews was to rig a bosun's chair to the clews of a spinnaker, drop an anchor over the stern, and sit in the chair, feet dangling, can of beer in one hand, something resembling a cigarette in the other, and let the spinnaker fill with the evening breeze and just watch the world pass by. The one snag was that the only way to return to the yacht was to drop into the water and swim.

Roy,

The thing "resembling a cigarette" - Reminds me of the Panama Canal Deckies, onboard to tether the ship to the mules. Whenever you walked by one, they would say,"Wanna meet my cousin Mary Jane!" or similar!

Then, when approaching Miami, there would be an announcement,"Approaching American Coastal Limit, US Regulations WILL be enforced!". Cue multiple personalities to the rail to deep six "Baccy Tins"!

Rgds.
Dave

Interesting stuff Dave.

When we arrived at the boatyard in Dania, just South of Fort Lauderdale, we made the acquaintance of most of the other boat crews. One vessel was a converted inshore minesweeper, belonging to a well known University and employed in collecting samples from the sea offshore including the Gulf Stream. One of the deckhands seemed to have a regular supply of a certain smoking product whenever he dropped by. One of my crew enquired as to the source of supply, as the boatyard employed a security guard at the entrance. The deckhand replied. "See those two large plants over there against the trees? Well........!"

(I was more interested in the ex minesweeper. It had an interesting machinery installation of two paired GM Detroit 6:71's on each shaft plus a fairly powerful generating set. There was also a chilled drinking water fountain in the engine room!)

Roy.

Any suggestions

Well the Fire Brigade will sort the first three out but No.4 is beyond their encyclopaedic ability.
Poor Keith.

Remember to read the instructions..

Well? (I think the ship rolled slightly.)

Another weekend with a Yellow Snow Warning.

Isn't that what the Inuit give to their kids?

(Don't eat yellow snow :chuckle:)

Officer's Issue compass.

That nursery rhyme got Jeremy Clarkson into all kinds of trouble.

Someone recommended that I watch an American television documentary on cannabis.

I think he has a point, that is probably the best way to watch an American television documentary.

You thought you were carrying a little too much weight…?

But parking spaces are still marked out for the older models. Torbay Council are penalising cars that don't fit their parking spaces, whether the car is too wide or too long.

On the other hand:

That requires a health and safety certificate or a risk assessment, at very least!

I've identified 4 hazards already.

Does this look familiar?

Full of protein.

Many years ago there was a series on ITV about a Union shop steward, played by Anthony Bate, who stayed in various boarding houses during his travels aroung factories in the North of England. In one episode, he sees a new lodger at the Monday evening meal. The new lodger asks what the food is like there. Bate replied that it was generally good, but the landlady's Friday stew was one to watch out for. The new lodger asks what its ingredients were. Bate replied, "Mysterious."

That should hold it.

Should'av used a cable tie.

Red Card - Not to Go!

Why should England tremble!

Getting ready…

A matter of interpretation.

Get yourself a "Piece" ( a gun), 9mm preferably a sten gun, get a magazine preferably Playboy. Charge the afore mentioned magazine with the shells, looks like fragmentation shells and you're good to go. Forget nonsense such as TOET's and safety catches and you now have the firepower of a Light Infantry Battalion in the British Army.

How is a Scottish sandwich a defence? Get a grip.

In East Antrim we are "Wild Fond" of cheese or egg pieces. When working in Larne I brought my lunch in a "Piece Box"

The Diagonal Steam Trap
 

Filched off Facebook:

The Diagonal Steam Trap

Now they built a big ship down in Harland's
She was made for to sell to the Turks -
And they called on the Yard's chief designer
To design all the engines and works.
Now finally the engines was ready
And they screwed in the very last part
An' yer man says 'Let's see how she runs, lads!
An' bejasus! the thing wouldn't start!
So they pushed and they worked an' they footered
An' the engineers' faces got red
The designer he stood lookin' stupid
An' scratchin' the back o' his head.
But while they were fiddlin' and workin'
Up danders oul' Jimmie Dalzell
He had worked twenty years in the 'Island'
And ten in the 'aircraft' as well.
So he pushed and he worked and he muttered
Till he got himself through to the front
And he has a good look roun' the engine
An' he gives a few mutters and grunts,
And then he looks up at the gaffer
An' says he 'Mr Smith, d'ye know?
They've left out the Diagonal Steam Trap!
How the hell d'ye think it could go?'
Now the engineer eyed the designer
The designer he looks at the 'hat'
And they whispered the one to the other
Diagonal Steam Trap? What's that?'
But the Gaffer, he wouldn't admit, like
To not knowin' what this was about,
So he says 'Right enough, we were stupid!
The Diagonal Steam Trap's left out!'
Now in the meantime oul' Jimmie had scarpered
Away down to throw in his boord
And the Gaffer comes up and says 'Jimmy!
D'ye think we could have a wee word.
Ye see that Diagonal Steam Trap?
I know it's left out - it's bad luck
But the engine shop's terrible busy
D'ye think ye could knock us one up?'
Now, oul' Jimmy was laughin' his scone off
He had made it all up for a gag
He'd seen what was stoppin' the engine -
The feed-pipe was blocked with a rag!
But he sticks the oul' hands in the pockets
An' he says 'Aye, I'll give yez a han'!
I'll knock yes one up in the mornin'
An' the whole bloody thing will be grand!'
So oul' Jim starts to work the next morning
To make what he called a Steam Trap,
An oul' box an' a few bits of tubing
An' a steam gauge stuck up on the top,
An' he welds it all on to the engine
And he says to the wonderin' mob
As long as that gauge is at zero
The Steam Trap is doin' its job!'
Then he pulls the rag outa the feed pipe
An' he gives the oul' engine a try
An' bejasus! she goes like the clappers
An' oul' Jimmy remarks 'That's her nye!'
Now the ship was the fastest seen ever
So they sent her away to the Turks
But they toul' them 'That Steam Trap's a secret!
We're the only ones knows how it works!
But the Turks they could not keep their mouths shut
An' soon the whole story got roun'
An' the Russians got quite interested...
Them boys has their ears to the groun'!
So they sent a spy dressed as a sailor
To take photies of Jimmy's Steam Trap
And they got them all back to the Kremlin
An' they stood round to look at the snaps.
Then the head spy says 'Mr Kosygin!
I'm damned if I see how that works!
So they sent him straight off to Siberia
An' they bought the whole ship from the Turks!
When they found the Steam Trap was a 'cod', like,
They couldn't admit they'd been had
So they built a big factory in Moscow
To start makin' Steam Traps like mad!
Then Kosygin rings up Mr Nixon
And he says 'Youse'uns thinks yez are great!
But wi' our big new Russian-made Steam Trap
Yez'll find that we've got yez all bate!'
Now oul' Nixon, he nearly went 'harpic'
So he thought he'd give Harland's a call
And he dialled the engine-shop number
And of course he got sweet bugger all!
But at last the call came through to Jimmy
In the midst of a terrible hush,
'There's a call for you here, from the White House!'
Says oul' Jim, 'That's a shop in Portrush!'
There's a factory outside of Seattle
Where they're turnin' out Steam Traps like Hell
It employs twenty-five thousand workers
And the head of it... Jimmy Dalzell!

I'm exhausted.

One for Mr Varley..