Thank you Hugh! What disgusting comments, I am thoroughly ashame!

Uncle John, I am off to wash my mouth out and sit in the corner facing the wall.

Then, I will examine all the other Lux adverts!

Rgds.
Dave

Good investigating work Dave, those are gems lost in history.

Advise you to wash out your mouth before you let the soap near your mimsy.
Palm Line people ought to be ashamed of themselves.

I will never read Jabberwocky to the children again.

My mate has just been arrested for hitting his fortune telling neighbour after she laughed at him.

He said, “I can’t believe it; The Police have charged me just for striking a happy medium.”

I suspect there's one or two on here who might find themselves in this situation .... :p

Never the socks, never the socks.

(Well, not unless they're the stay-alive ones one is obliged to endure post op.)

I could get away with wearing sandals at sea but tropical uniform (whites) required white socks. So knee socks or ankle socks (folded down) but NEVER EVER half way up the calf with shorts, that's long trousers country. These days the sandal-sock combo is usually confined to anti blister duties - breaking in new sandals, or anti mosquito - the little perishers seem to like my ankles!

A lot of men are built where they cant wear shorts.

My best pal went on a seaside caravan holiday. Every morning a sea bird would come, tap on the door looking for food.

He gave the bird breadcrumbs and, as the days went by, got the cheeky chappy to do funny dances or little tricks.

However, when they returned home, both he & his wife developed rashes.

The Doctor explained that they had developed a fun gull infection. TV

.... however there were some flying mishaps .... :sweat:

A story that had my rather taciturn house guest laughing yesterday. I have had a seagull family on the roof this year. One of the chicks was, I think, blown onto the ground being found marching about the garden quite unperturbed by the presence of four cats. I don't know how he got in but at crack of sparrows (perhaps shattering of seagull) I, and bedsharing cat, were woken by one loud shriek followed by another. Unbelieving I got out of bed to find the bird marching around my bedroom (cat idly looking-on without any hostile intent. Or none that he was letting show, anyway).

Having 'rescued it' I returned it to the flat roof (not sure if the parents are looking after it and I may have to rescue it again as it obviously isn't strong enough to breach the parapet jumping, flying or flumping). Annoying creatures but I would not have one suffering or becoming a premature corpse.

My Dad found one in his garden (Wallasey) with an injured wing. He got treatment for the gull and it recovered. Before it could fly again, it just strutted around the garden and would often snooze besides my Dad's golden labrador, on the lawn. He even used to get in Dad's pond for a bath!

Once he could fly, he returned regularly, mainly to snuggle up to the labrador on the lawn.

My Dad (Mar.Eng.) swore it was the spirit of his father (AB) come to see how he had got on in life.

I know, not a joke, but a bit of a fun anecdote.

Rgds.
Dave

BTW, for anyone interested, here are the captions to the two cartoons in my Mimsy post (complete the vowels!):

"I hp h nshs my bx tnght!"
"I hp sh scrbbd hr twt!"

Thoroughly disgusting and thanks to Hugh Shuttleworth for leading me to the further discovery! Thanks, Hugh! Thoroughly disgusting!

Rgds.
Dave

A chap used to be very interested in farm machinery and would travel all over the country to look at them and hear them running.
But he tired of this and he is now………



An ex-tractor fan….

I’m lucky, my wife has no idea how to use a mobile phone…

My mate phoned the RSPCA and told them he had polecat clinging onto his ceiling fan for dear life.

They said “Are you sure?”

He said, “You'll just have to take my whirred ferret.”

"Hello is that the cricket club?"

“Yes".

“Could I speak to Mike please?”

“I’m sorry, he’s in at the moment, I’ll get him to call you back when he’s out".

We need Ron Stringer banned!

Well done, Ron!

Rgds.
Dave

And he could be In or Out for 5 days. Go figure.

5 days? Not if Mike is in the English team.

Take that, you bounders

A nun stood as a candidate in the General Election and insisted that she be placed at the top of the ballot paper so that people could vote for her as;


"Nun of the above....."



I'm heading for my garden shed now.

I'm starting to think Ripley was right ......:supercool:

Then there was the monk that popped out for a sex change op. His last words were,"I'll return anon!".

Poor attempt, I know.........