Right Ron ... (rolls up sleeves.)

A young man walks onto the stage of 'Stars in their Eyes,' on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.

Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.

"It's very brave of you to come out here," says Matthew. "Please tell the audience what happened."

"Well," replies Simon. "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs."

"That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?" asks Matthew.

"No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died. But they also said that his legs were fine and, with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year."

A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

Kelly responds with:
"That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?"

"Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Half-uncle." ..

A prison warder was in the Governor's office, discussing the new inmates.

"One of them is a bit odd, sir." said the warder.
"In what way?" asked the governor.
"Well Sir, he's ok most of the time, but at breakfast he gets rowdy. When he is served with Cornflakes, or Shreddies, or Weetabix, or Shredded Wheat, he just shouts abuse at his bowl. It's very strange."
"Let's have a look in his file," says the governor. "Ah, I see what his problem is now. We may not be able to correct his behaviour it seems."
"Why not Sir?"
"His file says he's a cereal offender."

####i think some of youse is suffering from Obsessive Compulsive something or other. Is there a cure? A daily dose of Vegemite may help.

When bees move into a new hive, do they have a house swarming party?

There's always one ..... :p

why a ship captain can go wrong
 

so when asked what does the costa concordia captain reply to

John, the farmer who owns the field across the road from me, recently spent £16,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. He put it out with the herd but it just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. He said he was beginning to think he had paid more for that bull than it was worth.

Anyway...... he had the Vet come and take a look at him.

The vet said that the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave John some pills to feed him once per day.

They certainly did the trick and the bull started to service the cows within two days……. all the cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of the his neighbour's cows! He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him but but John tells me they kind of taste like peppermint.

Reminded me of Mint Imperials.

The report on the effects on the environment of the introduction of beavers into UK rivers has been released.

The results are damning.

I'm choked up now.

Good news!! I’ve finally sold my collection of vintage glove puppets.

A collector phoned and offered £500 to take them off my hands.

Sounds like a clean Sweep, Ron.

During the hot weather the security guard at Tesco accused me of unnecessary stockpiling. He checked the trolley & found 10kg of ice cream, 31 tins of fruit, 3 boxes of wafers and 3 litres of raspberry sauce....

He said “You’ve enough food in this trolley for a month of sundaes.”

Relax guys.

Reached the end

OK I stole it but beat it you regulars, 'I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta.'

Beat this Stringer; My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock.

Beat this Clay; "I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx"

Beat this Dartskipper; "I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back"

Beat this Serang;

Chorus; Shut up you bum.

There was a time when the Edinburgh Fringe one-liners were worth remembering and repeating.
Not any more apparently.:jump:

The end is nigh !!!

https://youtu.be/V7NlFWh7Sz8

Here’s the others…

I did pick the best, or worst depending.

I'm glad you take the Mail, sound man.

Tim Vine used to have the best ones.

e.g. "I got into an argument with a bloke in a lift. He was just wrong on so many levels."

Another one by somebody else;

" I saw a dead baby ghost in the gutter on my way to the theatre this afternoon."

"It could have been a handkerchief."