This new Amazon Echo they've bought out is really good … if I can just get it to stop calling me 'Dave.'

Mine has three stripes and calls me 'Mate'. I am trying to teach it 'Sir'. Just one 'Dave' and we'll see how it's station likes L1/L2 instead of L1/N.

Sign of the times.

:sweat::D:chuckle:

The real reason life emerged from the sea and onto land …. :sweat:

Ah remember those wondrous Christmas things you did as a kid … well technology has made it all so much easier … :sweat: :pint:

Can you be more specific

Its a drone.

Then there was little Johnny who wanted a watch for Christmas ----- So his parents let him. ;);)

let him buy a watch? Most kids just use their phones.

And with a 'phone he could have a video of their performance rated on antisocial media.

Of course this has never actually happened to me.:big_tongue:

Another number on the old clock …. :sweat:

If you've got a parrot, best clip it now. :sweat:

A new take on an old story …. :sweat:

After the honeymoon, Brian was welding some stuff in the garage for fun.

Joan, His new wife, was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence Joan finally said: "Honey, I've just been
thinking; now that we are married, maybe you don't need to spend so much
of your time out here in your shed, and could consider selling some of your
machinery and stuff, like your gun collection, fishing gear, and lose all those
stupid model airplanes. And dump that home brewing kit."

Brian got a horrified look on his face and silently stared at her. Joan said,
"Darling, what's wrong?"

Brian replied, "Nothing, but for a minute there, you were starting to sound like
my ex-wife."

“Ex-wife?" She screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Brian replied......... "I wasn't.”

DNA testing probably not necessary … :sweat:

Sign Outside a funeral Home.
Drive carefully, "We'll Wait".

In the incubator, the farmer can't hear you scream !!! :eek:

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the U.N.


The only question asked was:- "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible
solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world."

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America and Russia they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.


geoff

I received a request to confirm my GDPR preferences for the IMarEST Guild.

I am pleased to report that they have an enlightened approach to D&A as they claim that "no one full has access" to my personal data. A good lunch, then, can still be had in the City.

I also got the GDPR letter and decided it was an opportune time toclear the air and to feel more relaxed at the Annual Nosebag.
I told them I did not wish to sit beside any man using lipstick or Gloss as they call it nowadays, or any female smoking a pipe or chewing tobacco like a Texan Roustabout. Or the Port Chaplin, padre, man of the cloth. They replied that they thought I was confused. But I tell you I know a Wrong-Un when I see one.

If you are going to the bash (I am booked) may I ask what dress you will be wearing? I would have it so that I can recognise you at the greatest possible distance so that the magnitude, if not the direction, of that vector may be maintained throughout what until now I had expected to be an enjoyable evening. Perhaps if you were to wear a potato at one/both end(s) of your Albert?

(You forgot snuff, I will bring some if that will act as a repellant).

How management works: :sweat:

Management works? I thought we were of the same mind on this rare beast.

Management works? I believe this is in the same area as Government Service, Army Intelligence, and English Cuisine. :)

Hale and Pace comes to mind. "We are … the Management." :big_tongue:

The funniest part of this joke is that you have to be of a certain age and above to get it … :eek:

:applause: :applause:

Im old and I dont get it.:huh::huh:

Ah! John -- there is a tape cassette on the operating table with a "hernia" where the tape has come out of the cassette. When that happened we used to use a pencil, eraser end in perhaps best to rewind the cassette so retrieving the tape so it could still be played.

The same technology in general could also be used to rewind VHS or Beta tapes.

John … you need to get out more …. :big_tongue: :D

You can still buy audio cassette tapes, saw some in Tesco's the other day ... I wonder if they were next to the pencils? :thumb:

Strange thing, you bought one of those packets of pencils … which made you feel obliged to buy a blank cassette tape …. just in case. :sweat:

Thanks Bob. I see it all now.

There is something about a cassette, I bought some about 2 years ago, which is silly because I didn't really mean to use them and I have a digital sound recorder that you can plug anything into and anything sensible can plug into it. But the block of 5 neat tapes just looked so appealing.

I can relate to that. I've got about a gazillion screwdrivers, enough so that if you put them all together it would create a black hole that would suck the guts out of the Universe !! But I bought another the other day because I liked the look of it. :paper:

Could it be …. ?

I'm screwed …. ? :sweat:

An Irishman carrying two rucksacks was pulled aside while waiting to board a plane. When the

officer looked inside, he could see they were full of mobile phones "Why have you got all these phones with you sir?"

He replied " My mate Patrick has just opened a jazz club in New York, and he asked me to bring two saxophones for him"

geoff

Good job my groan-o-meters have gone to the great big moan in the sky … :sweat:

I got that one.:applause: