Word of mouth

Benny, a farm labourer, was in A & E with a broken leg.
Doctor: “What happened to you?”
Benny: “Well about 25 years ago….”
Doctor: “No, what happened today?”
Benny: “Hear me out, when I went to work on the farm as a lad about 25years ago they put me up in the attic of the big house until I got sorted out. One night the farmer’s daughter came and asked me how I was and if I needed anything, I told her no I’m fine but she kept on for a bit before leaving me to get to sleep.
Well today I’m doing the boss a favour working up on the roof of the big house. Being right there I suddenly realised what she was on about. And I fell off.

My pal Bob sent a text to his best mate, who’s a Doctor, as he was “having some trouble in the bedroom” and asked if he could help him out. So the Doctor friend emailed him a prescription for Viagra.

Bob texted him back
"Wow! - Thanks a lot mate - but how’s that going to help me get these IKEA wardrobes built ?"

HMG
 

Coming to a town near you...

Apologies if it is a little too ‘political’.

Or as HIGNFY would say, "Spot the Odd One Out".

No, it's a "Captcha" I Am Not A Robot test.

"Tick all the boxes that show a horse's arse."

Nice one, Roy!

Similar misunderstanding with the original Goblin Housemaid

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response..
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U..S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ....
Now give me back my dog."

Reminds me of a joke told by a former President many years ago.

"A Congressman dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. St Michael welcomes him warmly and escorts him to his new living quarters in Paradise. They pass many small single story dwellings, with very small gardens, a small hedge and a tiny tree until they arrive at a huge beautiful mansion, with a long sweeping drive up to the front door, an 18 hole putting green on the front lawn, a swimming pool, barbeque area and a three car garage with a stretched Cadillac limousine parked outside.

'Goodness me,' says the Congressman, this is magnificent. But why have I been given this beautiful home when we passed so many tiny shacks?'

'Well, you see,' says Saint Michael,' all those tiny dwellings belong to priests, bishops, vicars and other holy people. We've got thousands of them up here.


But we've never had a politician before. Congratulations and welcome!'


(R.I.P.Ronald Reagan.)

A man is driving along the road when he realizes he's lost. He stops to ask a passer by.

"Excuse me, could you help me please? I have a meeting at 2pm, I'm running 30 mins late and I have no idea where I am!"

"Of course!" said the stranger. "You are in a car, on the A43 heading north, approximately 7miles and 400 metres from the city centre, 40º longitude and 58º latitude."

"You work for the government, am I right?" Asked the driver.

"Yes! How did you guess?"

"Quite simple: everything you just told me is technically correct, but practically useless. I'm still lost, I'm still going to be late, and I have no idea what to do with your information."

"You are a politician, am I right?" Asks the man on the street.

"Yes! How did you guess?" replies the driver proudly.

"Quite simple. You have no idea where you're going, you've made a promise you can't keep and you expect someone else to solve your problem. In fact, you are in exactly the same situation that you were before you stopped to ask me, yet somehow, now it's my fault!"

If he was a proper politician he would do a U-Turn on the road and head back from whence he came.

Even though I am getting on a bit, my family tell me that I should keep up to speed with the new technologies.

I’m anxious to ensure that I do that, so I try an App every afternoon.

Winter is coming .......

Electric cars are so efficient and with much less pollution.

My angling mate informed me why Japanese Ornamental Carp always swim in groups of four.

If a predator comes, fishes A,B,and C can swim away, while the fourth is the D-koi.

None for me thank you love.

I've got a device almost identical to that !! but it's for putting birdseed into feeders. I've been using it wrong .... :eek:

(I hope the bloody birds like gravy on their seed ....:sweat:)

I am reminded of this archaeological artefact….

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply: "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man replies: "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply: "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply: "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says: "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite.

The monks say: "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to the end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...








But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Oh very droll..

I know what the sound is, a monk told me, its a Old Monk with his Nuts caught in the latch of the Gold door.

It`s true that.
I was stood next to JR when the monk told him. :thumb:

Thanks for your support !70 Driver.