Ah, All is forgiven. You were not fucking about you were about Fucking.

A sailor dies one Saturday and appears at the Pearly Gates. Presently St Peter appears and asks him what he wants. "I have been a God-fearing seafarer all my working life, I have worked diligently and been honest in all my dealings never stealing, keeping the Lord's Day holy and being kind to my fellow man". "Ah jolly good" says St Peter "sounds like your application will be accepted but we've a bit of an overtime ban on up here at the moment so just take a seat over there on the grass and we'll process your application on Monday". Wearily the sailor trudges over to the grass verge and sits down to wait for Monday morning. He hasn't been there long when a Solicitor appears and he too rings the bell at the Pearly Gates. Once again St Peter appears and asks him what his business is. "I've been a solicitor all my working life, I have been diligent in all my dealings, done the best for my clients, always kept the Lord's Day holy and been kind to my fellow man". "Ah come in!" booms St Peter. The gate is only just starting to close before the sailor rises sharply from his grassy waiting room and jams a foot in the gate to stop it closing. "Now look here!" he shouts at St Peter. "Here am I with the same claims for admission and yet I have to wait until Monday due to an overtime ban yet the 'effin' solicitor rocks up and is admitted today - Saturday. What's the game?" "Ah says St Peter patiently. We get so few of them up here.


...and while I think about it (thinking of previous posts on names of establishments up and down this fine land) there is a Funeral Directors in Blackpool called Box Brothers! No there really is!

Down here in Bournemouth we have one called Harry Tomes - pronounced as tombs.

I saw a furniture van once that I'm sure wasn't a mobile dentist but the name on it was Tooth Removals.

FFS Varley, there's fcuk all difference.

Has mucky mouth varley been on a bender?

In a rage The Noble Lord reminds me of Dominic Raab.

What will varly do when he looses his good looks?

Similar to Ken Dodd he'll have to give up the male modelling.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra..

A skeleton walks into a bar and says . . .


. ."Gimme a beer. And a mop."

Dyslexics of the world untie, you have nothing to chain but your loos.

Hear about the "Blonds Aren't Dumb Convention" ?

They hired out a football stadium and it was a complete sell out with thousands of blonde women turning up to prove the point.
The highlight was when a respected university professor chose a random member from the crowd to ask her a simple maths question, the idea being if she gets it right then obviously blondes aren't dumb.

The professor asks "What is 20 multiplied by 12?"
Her reply"222"
"Wrong, the correct answer is 240"

"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!", shouts the crowd.

So the professor asks a different question, "What is 7 multiplied by 8?
Quick as a flash she answers "74"
"Wrong again says the professor, the answer is 56"

"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" shouts the crowd again.

The professor thinks of a much simpler question, "What is 10 multiplied by 10?"
"100" says the blonde enthusiastically.
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" shouts the crowd...

Damn-it E-S, you're right. I forgot the comma.

Ring any bells?

As soon as my grandad saw it, he absolutely predicted that the Titanic would sink!
He shouted to everybody, over and over again, “that ship is GOING TO SINK!!”, but nobody would listen!



They just threw him out of the cinema!

My friend keeps trying to outwit me by using bird puns.

Well toucan play at that game

Wirral Globe (spoof) headline:
"RSPCA called out to Wallasey Golf Club after reports of a local Doctor shooting an eagle."

Where do i send the BILL

Talk about jokes on a wing and prayer, you lot should be up before the beak.

Yes Bob, positively Batty! (Oops! A bat is not a bird!)

aaaa ... close enought for Government work ... :huh:

Been out all day so apologies for a not so swift reply. Some of the previous postings have been hard to swallow, or even to pigeon hole. But still, we can't all be culture vultures.

No need to get nesty .... ;)

Hi Bob what would you rather bee or a wasp