My mate, who’s a footballer, went on an exclusive Sailing holiday round the Caribbean. On his first night at sea he tripped over & damaged his leg.

The Doctor performed a scan & told him the worst news……..he has a Cruise Ship ligament injury.....

Your anatomy needs a polish - they've nothing to do with the humerus!

It's a wonder you didn't blame the gluteus maximus instead of triceps.

Apparently one of the sayings of the French Navy translates into English as "To the water, it is time"

In French it's…….."A l'eau, c'est l'heure"

My mate is delighted that his wife is so naïve.

He’s told her that the reason it's called Boxing Day is that men don't have to come home from the pub until they’ve had twelve rounds…….

"Time and tide waiteth for no man........"

Thanks for that.... it takes me back....my dad was always saying time and tide waits for no man,rgds.

A rising tide lifts all boats.

Try saying it in a sexy French accent ......

And "a falling tide reveals who was swimming naked."

Something I heard during the Bernie Madoff scandal.

Monday - Greg

Tuesday - Ian

Wednesday -Greg

Thursday - Ian

Friday - Greg

Saturday - Ian

Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian Calendar

A burglar was stopped late one night outside the British Museum in London by a policeman. (This was in the days when they actually arrested burglars!) The burglar was carrying some ancient artifacts from the Egyptian display room. The policeman recognised one of them as the Rosetta Stone, and the other as a clay relic with heiroglyphics on it.

"What are you doing with those?" he asked the burglar.
"I've got a headache," the burglar replied.
"What's that got to do with it?"
"I called my doctor earlier about my headache and he told me to take two tablets and call him again in the morning!"

My mate had his luggage stolen on the way back from holiday. When it was found the thieves had left just the handle and wheels.

He took them to the Police but they said they wouldn’t be pursuing it as he didn’t have much of a case

Silly but seasonal…

I came across this ‘chart’ which the crew of Golden Dreamer might find useful when navigating in home waters…

It'll do until V fixes the Decca Navigator.

You get the 2nd mate working on one of these and I'll see if I can find a couple of Decometers.

A woman was concerned that her husband was late from work and thought that he may have stopped for a drink, so she phoned him.
She said: "Please be careful, I just heard on the traffic news on the radio that there is a car driving the wrong way on the motorway."
Husband: "Yes I know, and it's not just one car, there are dozens of them."

I came down with COVID (very "light") after attending the company Xmas "do". We had everything in place to pass Xmas with my daughter and son-in-law in Monterrey, but obviously had to cancel. I had got my annual turkey off the company and this was to be the centre of the Xmas feast! The wife had her roasting tray, serving plate, stuffing recipe all packed and ready to go.

(Scouse Humour:)
I called my daughter and said, "I have some good and bad news!"

"The good news is that, although I have COVID, the symptoms are very, very light, almost imperceptible."

"The bad news is YOU WILL HAVE TO BUY YOUR OWN TURKEY!".

It gave a good chuckle to my 86 YO Dad! Bloody thing is still in the freezer and we don't quite know what to do with it!

All the best for the New Year!

Saludos & Rgds.
Dave

:flowers: Better to have a turkey in the fridge Dave than sitting at the table with you.

Some more points to ponder…

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb."

Number 9 definitely applies in our house. :really_mad:

Tupperware!
Thats posh, we use Tesco own brand.

You also know you're old when recycling means "Didn't we pedal up this road an hour go?"

And also when your computer screen doesn't display the letters you typed in the same ordre yuo tyepd tehm.

Oh my goodness!...I can relate to all of these.
Nowadays "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I am there.

Getting old is like being punished for a crime you did not commit.

16. Do you think I am made of underwear?