Humour the best of medicine
 

I told my Mrs I was looking for cheap flights on the internet & she made me a lovely cup of tea with cake,which really surprised me cos' I thought she hated darts.

It took me a twenty seconds or so but I got there. -handy clappy grinny sign-

I got a bit board with that joke ..... (ok ok, it's the best I could do.) :p

That took me half a minute.:)

:D Good one Steve.

A woman weightlifter goes to the doctor & says, 'I've been taking steroids,and now I've grown a cock'. 'Anabolic,' says the doctor. 'No,' she replies. 'Just a cock'

Was in a bar last night and ordered 16 pints, 12 G&T's and a coke....Barman asked if I wanted a tray.... told him.."feck sake do you not think I've enough to carry"

Old salt appears in court charged with multiple counts of rape, sexual assault, buggery and obscene behaviour. When asked how he pleads he mumbled something inaudible in response.. "Speak up man" ordered the judge upon which the defence barrister said "Your honour my client has a very sore throat and is unable to speak"........ "would he like to suck a Fisherman's Friend?" enquired the judge "No your honour" replied the barrister "I think he's in enough feckin' trouble as it is"

On a similar note to #8

Judge: Before I pass sentence does the accused have anything to say?
Accused (Mumbling): F*ck all
Judge: Clerk of the court, what did the accused say?
Clerk: The accused said 'F*ck all' mi'lud
Judge: That's funny, I could have sworn I saw his lips move

The same ideas seem to keep coming round.

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy on a recommendation I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco!

Mine was not done naked but with what I now realise was a San Francisco inspired pair of specially tailored navy blue skiddies. Just as with a cinema projection room there was an opening for the entertainment equipment to be introduced to the ticket holder.

(We do deserve double bubble for repeating our posts. 4 on stop on. Mustn't risk missing any opportunity to be tedious).

Young Freddie is sitting quietly in the Church wearing his Sunday best. It is the occasion of the wedding of a distant cousin. Freddie starts to get bored waiting for the service to start, so like all young boys he starts to ask questions.

"Mummy, will the Bride be wearing a white dress?"
"Of course she will, dear. Now keep quiet, there's a good boy."
"But Mummy, do all brides wear white dresses?"
"Yes, they do."
"But why do they wear white dresses?"
"Oh for goodness sake dear, it's because it shows they are pure and virginal and honest, just like young women should be on their wedding day. Now keep quiet, please."
Freddie senses that he has annoyed his Mum, so he turns to his Father.
"Daddy, do you know why ladies wear white dresses on their wedding day?"
"Of course I do son," he replies, "It's simple really. All kitchen appliances are white,"

So true ....... :eek:

I have to try and stop forgetting things .. (or at least some of them.):D

"Why did you call me Teresa, Mummy?"

"Well dear, you were born near the Easter holiday in the Spring. That is such a lovely time of the year, when everything is beginning to grow, the birds are building their nests, and the lawns are getting their first cut, everything is fresh and new. I thought it would be nice to name you after such a lovely time of the year, so I chose Teresa because it is an anagram of Easter, darling."

"Oh Mummy, that's lovely, thank you, I never thought about it like that before. What a clever idea."

Teresa's very annoying little brother has overheard the conversation.

"Is my name an anagram too, Mummy?"

"Yes, Alan."

Brilliant one Dartskipper.

Somebody paying tribute to the classic 'Two Ronnies' sketch .... :D

No good at anagrams, so couldn't be arsed to work it out! :o

I like it!:D

I'm sad to say I wrote down all the combinations of the four letters (not so bad as 'a' occurs twice so the combo's are reduced by a quarter) before I got the answer. :eek:

Yes, I know .... I need to get out more .... :D:D

Whatever turns you on!!! :eek:

:rolleyes:

"OK then class, can anybody tell me what the letters DNA stand for?"

"Please Sir, the National Dyslexia Association."

Reminds of that John Bishop joke:

When he was a kid he came home from school and handed is Dad his school report.
"It says here you suffer from Dyslexia," his Dad said. "What's Dyslexia ?"
"It means I get my letters mixed up and jumbled," he replied.
"RIGHT ! " said his Dad sternly. "Go outside and GET IN THE CAR."
Frightened he went out and got into the car. His Dad came out and they drove off, down through the Mersey Tunnel, down the Wirral and across the border into Wales.

"Get out," said his Dad. He got out, fearful of what was about to happen. His Dad pointed up at an old roadsign with lots of place names on it.

"There you are Son, don't feel so bad, you're not the only one." :D

You got any 'oes???

(Just 'avin you on!)

Got some eeeeeee's by gum.

"Got any plugs."
"What sort of plug ? sink plug ? bath plug ?"
"13 amp."

:D

Having camped a bit myself over the decades in many remote mountainous areas I had to laugh when I saw this picture.
I can't deny I don't camp anymore, at least not by choice. :p

You will chuckle as you read this ..... Because as stupid as it may
sound, this is exactly what we do!



GOD to ST. FRANCIS:

Frank , You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going
on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets,
milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance
garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and
multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts
butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast
garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:

It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to
great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:

Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to
temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing
there?

ST. FRANCIS:

Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.
They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant
that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:

The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That
must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:

Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes
twice a week.

GOD:

They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:

Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:

They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:

No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:

Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And,
when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:

Yes, Sir.

GOD:

These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the
rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot
of work.

ST. FRANCIS:

You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so
fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:

What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke
of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to
provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the
ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect
the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:

You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon
as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them
hauled away.

GOD:

No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to
keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:

After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they
call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:

And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:

They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:

Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in
charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:

'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:

Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

So true ...... :big_tongue:

You probably need a few years on the clock before you get this joke ...... :supercool:

Love it. The magnet takes the biscuit!!
Rob

And the system :)

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you

need a proper prescription ... Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is

not enough."

Re. post 31-33


Is the joke the fact that the magnet will have erased the data on the disc/disk? Or am I too old to get it? Can't get on with those new-fangled disks, they are too small for the slot.

Yep that's the joke ... (such as it is.)

The 'years on the clock' comment was the fact you'd have to remember those 720k / 1.4m floppies (which were actually the primary drives on some early PC's, you'd have two slots, one for the OS and one for working, there wasn't a hard drive period !!)

You know you're getting old when things you remember as being the state of the art become quaint antiquities, or aren't even recognised by today's users. :sweat:

360K 5.25" floppies were what I had in my first computer.

And the 5.25's were actually 'floppy.' :sweat:

My first was Trash 80. A cassette was all there was (and about 4 K RAM)

Never mind the 5.25 inch floppy discs - our organisation started with an IBM 23 which I think used 7 inch discs.
We also had a Prime 2250 which was around a cubic metre, occupied an airconditioned room had several hard discs like LP records and had a fabulous capacity of 256 mb (or something equally ridiculous).