I remember changing out the disks at the place nearby where I worked watches each day just after midnight. Large banks of Winchester style disks in drives about the size of a washing machine. They had only a fraction of the capacity of a modern flash drive.

The first computer I took to sea was a ZX81, bought as a small kit. With the dreaded 16k ram pack plugged into the back (definitely not made with vibrating ships in mind.)

Then I moved onto the Oric, 6502 based, only way to save anything with that was via a cassette tape. Got a sound synthesiser board for it and then bollocked by the Old Man for making weird noises in the radio room ("Come on Captain, it's the radio room, it's supposed to have weird noises !" :sweat: )

Getting back to humour, I like one liners and at the moment my favourite is......


Officer. Corporal Jones, I didn't see you at Camouflage Practice yesterday.


Jones. Thank you very much sir!

One of the greatest one liners of all time comes from ancient times. King Philip of Macedonia (father of Alexander the Great) decided to clump around Greece with his army knocking over all the little states in order to unify.

As he crossed into the Peloponnese he figure the state of Sparta might be a tough nut to crack. So he sent a messenger offering terms of surrender with the rider that they shouldn't reject them as: "If I come into Sparta I will slay and burn your kingdom to the ground."

The Spartans sent the messenger back with a one word reply:

"If."

Since Sparta is in an area known as Laconia, this is said to be the origin of the term 'Laconic Statement.' Lots of information in very few words.

Philip decided to give Sparta a miss. :sweat:

Napier is reputed to have sent the message "Peccavi" (I have sinned) to inform the army bosses that he had gone against orders. He had taken Sind. Spoilsports now seem to think the message and the pun were thought up later.

Retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top. The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there."
"And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model." The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man. "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price...." "See you later, Dad

...the Guillotine operator during the French Revolution... the first known hacker...

:eek:

Breaking News;
 

There was an accident on the M1 today that stopped traffic for several hours. A road tanker loaded with molasses collided with another road tanker carrying a full load of treacle. There was only one fatality as one of the drivers came to a sticky end.

(Apologies again are due to the Two Ronnies.)

Philosophy covered on a tee shirt ..... :shock:

Some oldies
 

Found these on an old usb stick......

Got to nick some of those Dave .... :D

More oldies
 

Help yourself Bob - here's a couple more

George Carlin.

In his prime, a comic genius. I once had an album of his humour, I think it was called "Class Clown," (?)

"Father, if God is so great, can he make a rock so big that he can't pick it up?"

"Gee George, that's a really tough one..."

Smirnoff ( Dragged from failing braincells)
 

'I thought cunnilingus was the Irish national airline till I discovered Smirnoff'

'I thought Wan King was the capital of China before I discovered Smirnoff'

Knock knock
Who's there ?
Doctor
Doctor Who ?

EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE .. !!

Women drivers

Maybe so, but I bet inside is dust free and properly hoovered ..... (... retreats to bunker.) :rolleyes::eek:

A gynaecologist became so fed up with malpractice insurance and other statutory requirements that he embarked on a career change, where his already skillful hands could still be of use. He went to the local technical college and took evening classes to become a mechanic.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"No, the instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because, before this, I've never seen it all done through the exhaust pipe."

Heard about the car enthusiast who made love to a Princess and burnt his b**ls on the exhaust pipe ?

Had to laugh ...

I was in the supermarket today when a man started throwing milk, cheese and butter at me.

I thought:

How Dairy!

To save you the trouble Bob!

Thanks. My Groan-o-meter is undergoing repair for PTSD. :D

a teaser
 

who discovered what

From another website, The Alzheimer Spouse (my husband had Alzheimer's):

Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.

Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves.

As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers" (especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the “Foreskins” to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Congress.

All sports teams names should reflect something pleasant and non-agressive. I would suggest flower names, Daffodil, Pansy and Violet spring to mind.

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He needs a new milk cow, and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der.)

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.

He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the tit and pulls, the cow farts.

Ole is surprised. He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again.

He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home.

He gets back to Minnesota, and calls over his neighbor Jimmy Mooney, and says, "Jimmy, come look at disere new cow I yust bought. Pull her tit, and see vat happens."

So Jimmy reaches under, pulls the tit - and the cow farts.

Jimmy looks at Ole and sez, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, din’t yah?"

Ole is surprised since he hadn't told Jimmy about his trip.

Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how'd yah now?"

Jimmy says, "My wife's from Nordakota."

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks kind of strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid

Husband: Well you don't’ remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. Then you said: - Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there

Oh Dear Bob, .... oh dear.

(Very funny though ..... :sweat:)

Don't worry Bob, they can get worse :(

This should make Bob's Groan-o-Meter hit the stops :wink:



Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon. Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis MI amigo. What ees it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush."

....... :eek:

I'll second that:p

Ahh.. you liked it then :curtain_call:

If you're getting a new one wouldn't digital have been cheaper?

With some of these jokes only if the counter could go up to a Googolplex raised to the power of a Googolplex. :big_tongue:

That would make the scale on an analogue tricky to interpolate too.

Tricky, but do-able. (Although I can't deny the resolution would be a bit on cr@p side ... ):wink:

I am not one who remembers jokes, however having done some water divining for a local goat farm last week, this is dredged from the depths:

Two goats were roaming in the hills overlooking Hollywood (Ca not Fl) and came across a can of celluloid film, so they ate it. One then says to the other, "not a bad film".
The other replies, "yes but the book last week was better".

Old age ain't for wimps ... but it beats dying young.



Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
Walking with his legs spread apart.

He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:

"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:

"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
and one of the students said to him, "we're medical students and couldn't help
but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have ...
Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,

"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "well, I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

I abandoned groan-o-meters years ago and, being tech-savvy, I installed an app on my computer. It works rather like an anti-virus app, where it receives regular updates of groan-detecting algorithms, and it also has a spell checker function that detects miss-spelled words where they are a play on words designed to induce groans. It has four levels of filtering, from that which might cause me discomfort to that which might require resort to the whiskey bottle. If I download an Internet forum post that contains any context that the algorithm can detect, then it will be presented to me in a form that would not offend a nun.

It works very well, as all such downloaded applications tend to do. Unfortunately it also filters my posts and submits them in a way that would not offend that nun. I will sort it out in time but, in the meantime, if I appear to post anything in this thread when it doesn't make sense to baser instincts please accept that I am working on it!