[Varley]

I have no knowledge of self flagellation, I had a Nanny. Birching on the NHS, as it were, is no longer prescribed however I am sure it is available privately, possibly alongside French lessons.

There are certain customs that should be followed. We do not have Romeo Alpha Tangoes. We have longtails or long-tailed fella's. Squeek should probably do day aboard while we are in Douglas and certainly stay away from open mesh 'kiosks' smelling of sweet biscuit.

For those of the company who are visiting the Island for the first time there is one important formality to be observed. On departure the newcomer is presented with a lifetime multiple entry visa however this is in exchange for a kipper to be embroidered with the subject's arrival details (Any maiden's name(s), DoB, date and time of arrival, bank balance and surviving Great Uncles arranged in alphabetical order).

Without this important piscatorial item the ship may be delayed and any maidens will have to be relinquished.