Humour the best of medicine

[Engine Serang]

Always had the hots for Cherie Delonghi. Far fitter than those big arsed American tarts.

[Dartskipper]

Originally Posted by Engine Serang

Always had the hots for Cherie Delonghi. Far fitter than those big arsed American tarts.

Ah, yes, indeed. But can she make toast?

[erimus]

My wife told me she thought we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic...
I told her "I think you mean fewer."

geoff

[Engine Serang]

Is it few, fewer, fewest or few, fewer, not very many?

[erimus]

Originally Posted by Engine Serang

Is it few, fewer, fewest or few, fewer, not very many?

Pedant!

Geoff

[Varley]

It might be 'not more'. 'Many' implies 'a great number' regardless of the field but 'fewer' can only be decoded when considered against the totals fielded. A large quantity of widgits can still be fewer in widgits than an even larger quantity of widgits.

Is a lesser argument one in which weaponised frying pans are not employed or is it merely one rhetorically weaker?

[Varley]

One more at least. There's a few of us about.

(Pedants, not widgits).

[Engine Serang]

Originally Posted by erimus

Pedant!

Geoff

Being a pedant could get you a good thumping in a, "Concerned Citizens", council estate.

[BobClay]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

[Engine Serang]

Eating fireworks in June?
Eco friendly kids only eat fireworks in season, late October to early November. Air miles on bangers and Catherine wheels can be hefty and hard to justify. We are going to buy meat-free fireworks with no added "E's" this autumn to do our bit to save the planet.
Euro for the Guy.

[Varley]

Airmiles? I thought gunpowder and aircraft were incompatible or is that only when mixed with primitives?

You only have to look at all the research the Hibernians do into making household stuff go bang and that is all the gunpowder stuff is supposed to do. The chief plastico tells me you have asked to hire the cabin underneath mine, E-S. May I ask what you intend using it for?

[BobClay]

I'm starting to think you guys have never heard of weed killer and sugar.

[Engine Serang]

Weed killer and sugar, never drank it. Is it any good? Is that a pint of it in your hand?

The nearest I've gotten is Brasso and hot milk, bit of a kick in it but buffs up your gold fillings something grand.

[BobClay]

Never met an engineer yet that wasn't a Brasso drinker.

And did it ever show … you had to wear sunglasses if you were within 100 metres. (50 scale sunblock if you were within 10.)

[BobClay]

Did you hear about the guy who ordered four Kindles from Amazon.

They sent him a 'Two Ronnies' DVD.

[Farmer John]

Originally Posted by BobClay

Did you hear about the guy who ordered four Kindles from Amazon.

They sent him a 'Two Ronnies' DVD.

I can refute this, I bought myself, my wife and my two daughters a Kindle apiece for Christmas. They didn't even say thank you.

[BobClay]

You should have bought them a set of plugs.

(13 amp.)

[erimus]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,

the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[Tom Alexander]

Originally Posted by Farmer John

I can refute this, I bought myself, my wife and my two daughters a Kindle apiece for Christmas. They didn't even say thank you.

Should have bought some "O's" in case the Kindles caught fire.

[BobClay]

Barber jokes are good.

I went to the barbers last week and asked for it to be left long on the right, short on the left, cut a bald spot in the middle and make it stick up at the back.

' I can't cut it like that,' replied the barber.

'Well you did last time,' I said.

[erimus]

It cost me £5 for one Oxo cube today. The stock market's gone crazy!

geoff

[erimus]

A mother thinks there is something strange about her son so she has a DNA test done in secret.
After a long, nervous few days of waiting, the results finally come back.
She is shocked to find out that her son is not actually related to her or her husband at all.
With a heavy heart, she approaches her husband and tells him the truth.
“Honey,” she starts. “I’m so sorry to tell you this… but Johnny is not our biological son.”

The husband looks confused. “Well of course he isn’t! Don’t you remember?
We were leaving the hospital when he pooped himself so badly.
You told me, ‘Go and change the baby, I’ll wait here’.”

geoff

[BobClay]

Some people are just not cut out for certain jobs ….

[erimus]

Eskimo goes into the local Eskimo restaurant and asks waiter what's on the menu.

Waiter says "We've got fried whale meat, boiled whale meat, whale meat stew and our Vera Lynn dish".

Eskimo says "The Vera Lynn dish sounds interesting, what's in it?"

Waiter says " Whale meat again" Don't know where don't know when".......

geoff

[BobClay]

Boy am I glad I'm out of the groan-o-meter business …