#1052
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That's the best joke yet ....
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.) |
#1054
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A pal of mine has just got in the Guinness Book of Records for the most washing hung out on a line, in one hour.
I asked him how he’s feeling about it? “Well”, he said, “it’s a lot to take in.”
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Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last. |
#1055
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Pansy, that's a woman's work.
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#1056
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Sean Connery once fell on hard times. All work had dried up and he just sat at home twiddling his thumbs.
Then the phone rang and Sean answered it. It was his agent and Sean got very excited. The agent said: "Sean, I've got a job for you. Starts tomorrow, but you've got to get there early, for 10ish." Sean frowned and replied: "10ish? But I haven't got a racket."
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.) |
#1057
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Three nuns died in a car crash and ended at the pearly gates and were met by St. Peter.
I am very sorry Ladies but I have to ask you a question before you are allowed to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. To the first Nun, he said "who was the first man on earth? That was Adam the sister responded. Correct you may enter. Next sister the question for you is "who was the first woman on earth?" The response was quick as she answered "Eve" Correct you may enter the Kingdom of Heaven. The third Nun was Mother Superior. As you have more knowledge he said your question will be more difficult. "What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?" Mother Superior pondered a little and said "that's a hard one" "Correct" said the guardian of the gate. You may now enter the Kingdom of Heaven" |
#1058
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One would have thought a runaway would have hit a tree by now.
(Rock, bollard, plump child, gaggle of nuns, anything, anything at all that will stop him!).
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David V Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right It is the duty of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan |
#1059
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I've started incorporating German white wine into some of my cooking recipes, but only on an add hock basis.
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Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last. |
#1060
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A baby onion asks its Dad for more chocolate, and the Dad replies: "No, son, that's Shallot"
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.) |
#1061
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Sandi Toksvig always works in English because it is a vastly richer language than her native Danish which has only one word for each item in the dictionary. Few opportunities for word play, conundrums or puns etc.
After reading a selection of the 1060 posts here I wish Bob Clay was Danish. |
#1063
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I suspect most of us have some Danish genes in us as quite a few of their lads used to come here for their holidays about a thousand years or so ago.
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.) |
#1064
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I think the time they visited Largs their welcome was not so pleasant and never came back !!!
Last edited by lakercapt; 21st March 2022 at 13:22. |
#1065
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A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat. The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look: "That's a lovely fire engine," he says admiringly. "Thanks," says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles. "Little colleague," says the fire-fighter. "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster." The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says: "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, would I?"
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.) |
#1066
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In the early days of long distance air travel before jet engines came into use, an airliner with a full load of passengers was en route from Heathrow to La Guardia. About two hours into the long journey, one engine spluttered to a halt. The crew tried restarting it without success. The Captain announced that they were now flying with three engines but there was nothing to worry about, but there would be a delay of about one hour to their journey. About one hour later, a second engine failed. The Captain made another announcement that the aircraft could still safely fly on only two engines, but there would be a further delay to their time of arrival. After another hour a third engine failed, so the Captain made a further announcement that the plane could still fly safely on only one engine, although their time of arrival would be further delayed by approximately two more hours.
The cabin was in silence as the passengers digested this information. A voice, clearly a little inebriated from partaking of too many refreshments, pipes up from the rear of the cabin. " I hope that fourth engine ("hic") doesn't shtop ("hic") or we'll be up here all night."
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"You do not ask a tame seagull why it needs to disappear from time to time towards the open sea. It goes. That's all." Bernard Moitessier. |
#1067
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Was he Irish?
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#1069
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You may well think that ES, I couldn't possibly comment.
(In the American version he was from Eastern Europe!)
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"You do not ask a tame seagull why it needs to disappear from time to time towards the open sea. It goes. That's all." Bernard Moitessier. |
#1070
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I was eating some chocolates and trying to guess what was inside the centres.
Coconut, I thought, biting into the first one...it was Orange. Next up, coffee, I thought, I was wrong it was peanut. Surely my third attempt at guessing would prove victorious. Toffee, I thought.... I was wrong, it was coffee. Mmmmm I was wrong on so many Revels
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Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last. |
#1071
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RETARDED GRANDPARENTS - (this was actually reported by a teacher)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore! They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck centre, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts! Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren. PRICELESS! Remember to send this to all your "retarded grandparent" friends and give them a laugh too!! |
#1072
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1. The Jewish Elbow
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ........ "What . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?" ______________________________ _________________ 2.Wise Italian Grandfather Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family. An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. " "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "? _____________________________ _ _______ _____________ 3.Irish Blonde An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men...are men! ______________________________ _____________ Global Facts About Sex At any given moment: FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now. FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing. FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex. FACT: 1 old person is reading emails You hang in there, sunshine! |
#1073
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A man is walking down the street...On his way, he meets a friend, who just happens to have only one arm.
"So, what are you up to?" says the man. "I'm going to change a light bulb." "Won't that be difficult, with just the one arm?" "I shouldn't think so, I've still got the receipt."
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.) |
#1074
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My mate was convinced he’d love his wife’s chicken casserole.
He said, “Having tasted it, now I'm not chasseur”.
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Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last. |
#1075
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A Hill-billy Farmer's kid goes off to join the US Marines
First letter to folks back home: Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 5 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in. Your loving daughter, Alice
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The Mad Landsman |
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