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Dear Olllllllllllllllld Dad

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Old 8th January 2019, 19:51
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John Rogers United States John Rogers is offline
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Dear Olllllllllllllllld Dad

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a $5 million
savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ...takes a breath ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!
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Old 8th January 2019, 21:26
Engine Serang St Helena Engine Serang is offline
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Very typecast.

In my village we don't care what religion you are as long as you're not a catholic.
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Old 8th January 2019, 23:22
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Farmer John Farmer John is offline
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My Belfast Irish Granny was heard to say "No better than monkeys", but, thank goodness, she was talking about my brothers new wife in Thailand and was not making a religious point.
Buvez toujours, mourrez jamais.
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Old 8th January 2019, 23:23
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BobClay United Kingdom BobClay is offline
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I had a word with God the other day. I asked him to explain all the trouble and strife and horror in the world. He gave me an answer I didn't much like, so I shot him.

I wonder if things will get better !!

"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
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Old 9th January 2019, 17:14
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John Rogers United States John Rogers is offline
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Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
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Old 11th January 2019, 21:20
S.J.B Norway S.J.B is offline
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Good punchline, as I thought the joke was finished one line from the end and was only so, so the ending being expected. I saw a television documentary program yesterday btw, about Pehr Gyllenhammar, former boss of Volvo. He looked older than 89, but damn if he was not pushing a baby pram with a young delicious blonde wife at his side.

Last edited by S.J.B; 13th January 2019 at 17:24.
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Old 12th January 2019, 11:34
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Varley Isle of Man Varley is offline
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And doesn't the bairn look like the chauffeur?
David V
Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
Himself. It stuck him dead and serve him right
It is the duty of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan
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Old 15th January 2019, 21:37
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Gulpers Scotland Gulpers is offline
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A London lawyer on holiday in Ireland, drives through a 'Stop' sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London and is certain that he has a better education than any 'foreign' cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense.

Irish Garda says, "Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish Garda says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish Garda says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish Garda says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the lawyer with it, and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

........ a closed mouth gathers no feet!
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