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Humour the best of medicine

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  #1  
Old 18th April 2017, 21:14
Steve United Kingdom Steve is offline
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Humour the best of medicine

I told my Mrs I was looking for cheap flights on the internet & she made me a lovely cup of tea with cake,which really surprised me cos' I thought she hated darts.
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  #2  
Old 20th April 2017, 11:29
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It took me a twenty seconds or so but I got there. -handy clappy grinny sign-
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Old 20th April 2017, 22:53
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I told my Mrs I was looking for cheap flights on the internet & she made me a lovely cup of tea with cake,which really surprised me cos' I thought she hated darts.
I got a bit board with that joke ..... (ok ok, it's the best I could do.)
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  #4  
Old 20th April 2017, 23:12
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That took me half a minute.
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Old 21st April 2017, 03:13
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Good one Steve.
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Old 21st April 2017, 10:59
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A woman weightlifter goes to the doctor & says, 'I've been taking steroids,and now I've grown a cock'. 'Anabolic,' says the doctor. 'No,' she replies. 'Just a cock'
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Old 21st April 2017, 16:31
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Was in a bar last night and ordered 16 pints, 12 G&T's and a coke....Barman asked if I wanted a tray.... told him.."feck sake do you not think I've enough to carry"
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Old 21st April 2017, 16:35
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Old salt appears in court charged with multiple counts of rape, sexual assault, buggery and obscene behaviour. When asked how he pleads he mumbled something inaudible in response.. "Speak up man" ordered the judge upon which the defence barrister said "Your honour my client has a very sore throat and is unable to speak"........ "would he like to suck a Fisherman's Friend?" enquired the judge "No your honour" replied the barrister "I think he's in enough feckin' trouble as it is"
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

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I try so hard to make things idiot proof but they keep making better idiots
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Old 21st April 2017, 17:23
Dave McGouldrick Dave McGouldrick is offline
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On a similar note to #8

Judge: Before I pass sentence does the accused have anything to say?
Accused (Mumbling): F*ck all
Judge: Clerk of the court, what did the accused say?
Clerk: The accused said 'F*ck all' mi'lud
Judge: That's funny, I could have sworn I saw his lips move
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  #10  
Old 21st April 2017, 19:51
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The same ideas seem to keep coming round.
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Old 24th April 2017, 23:40
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Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy on a recommendation I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco!
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Old 25th April 2017, 15:32
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Mine was not done naked but with what I now realise was a San Francisco inspired pair of specially tailored navy blue skiddies. Just as with a cinema projection room there was an opening for the entertainment equipment to be introduced to the ticket holder.

(We do deserve double bubble for repeating our posts. 4 on stop on. Mustn't risk missing any opportunity to be tedious).
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  #13  
Old 25th April 2017, 20:03
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Young Freddie is sitting quietly in the Church wearing his Sunday best. It is the occasion of the wedding of a distant cousin. Freddie starts to get bored waiting for the service to start, so like all young boys he starts to ask questions.

"Mummy, will the Bride be wearing a white dress?"
"Of course she will, dear. Now keep quiet, there's a good boy."
"But Mummy, do all brides wear white dresses?"
"Yes, they do."
"But why do they wear white dresses?"
"Oh for goodness sake dear, it's because it shows they are pure and virginal and honest, just like young women should be on their wedding day. Now keep quiet, please."
Freddie senses that he has annoyed his Mum, so he turns to his Father.
"Daddy, do you know why ladies wear white dresses on their wedding day?"
"Of course I do son," he replies, "It's simple really. All kitchen appliances are white,"
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Old 25th April 2017, 22:42
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So true .......
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Old 30th April 2017, 23:58
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I have to try and stop forgetting things .. (or at least some of them.)
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Old 1st May 2017, 16:07
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"Why did you call me Teresa, Mummy?"

"Well dear, you were born near the Easter holiday in the Spring. That is such a lovely time of the year, when everything is beginning to grow, the birds are building their nests, and the lawns are getting their first cut, everything is fresh and new. I thought it would be nice to name you after such a lovely time of the year, so I chose Teresa because it is an anagram of Easter, darling."

"Oh Mummy, that's lovely, thank you, I never thought about it like that before. What a clever idea."

Teresa's very annoying little brother has overheard the conversation.

"Is my name an anagram too, Mummy?"

"Yes, Alan."
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  #17  
Old 2nd May 2017, 15:11
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Brilliant one Dartskipper.
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  #18  
Old 2nd May 2017, 18:18
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Somebody paying tribute to the classic 'Two Ronnies' sketch ....
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Old 2nd May 2017, 19:51
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dartskipper View Post
"Why did you call me Teresa, Mummy?"

"Well dear, you were born near the Easter holiday in the Spring. That is such a lovely time of the year, when everything is beginning to grow, the birds are building their nests, and the lawns are getting their first cut, everything is fresh and new. I thought it would be nice to name you after such a lovely time of the year, so I chose Teresa because it is an anagram of Easter, darling."

"Oh Mummy, that's lovely, thank you, I never thought about it like that before. What a clever idea."

Teresa's very annoying little brother has overheard the conversation.

"Is my name an anagram too, Mummy?"

"Yes, Alan."
No good at anagrams, so couldn't be arsed to work it out!
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Old 2nd May 2017, 20:04
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No good at anagrams, so couldn't be arsed to work it out!
I like it!
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  #21  
Old 2nd May 2017, 20:12
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I'm sad to say I wrote down all the combinations of the four letters (not so bad as 'a' occurs twice so the combo's are reduced by a quarter) before I got the answer.

Yes, I know .... I need to get out more ....
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  #22  
Old 2nd May 2017, 20:16
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I like it!
Whatever turns you on!!!
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  #23  
Old 2nd May 2017, 21:33
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"OK then class, can anybody tell me what the letters DNA stand for?"

"Please Sir, the National Dyslexia Association."
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  #24  
Old 2nd May 2017, 22:12
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Reminds of that John Bishop joke:

When he was a kid he came home from school and handed is Dad his school report.
"It says here you suffer from Dyslexia," his Dad said. "What's Dyslexia ?"
"It means I get my letters mixed up and jumbled," he replied.
"RIGHT ! " said his Dad sternly. "Go outside and GET IN THE CAR."
Frightened he went out and got into the car. His Dad came out and they drove off, down through the Mersey Tunnel, down the Wirral and across the border into Wales.

"Get out," said his Dad. He got out, fearful of what was about to happen. His Dad pointed up at an old roadsign with lots of place names on it.

"There you are Son, don't feel so bad, you're not the only one."
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(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #25  
Old 3rd May 2017, 08:57
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Somebody paying tribute to the classic 'Two Ronnies' sketch ....
You got any 'oes???

(Just 'avin you on!)
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