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Humour the best of medicine

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  #1201  
Old 8th June 2022, 10:52
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You see what I mean .....

https://youtu.be/384PKPKVbSI
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(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #1202  
Old 9th June 2022, 12:46
lakercapt Canada lakercapt is offline
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A sad day today when the well-known song writer died. His best know song is "Hokey Pokey"
The funeral home had problems securing his casket as they put his left leg in and it put his left leg out.
Same with his hands.
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  #1203  
Old 11th June 2022, 13:59
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A sardonic Senior might say. . .


As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but annoying everyone is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there.

It’s not my age that bothers me; it’s the side effects.

I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.

As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Me, sobbing: "I can't see you anymore. . . . I'm not going to let you hurt me again."
My Trainer: "It was one sit-up.”

As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy. The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient.

I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.

Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round. . . and laughed and laughed and laughed.

I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.

I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.

Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.

She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.

So you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life, but you won’t take the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it. Are you kidding me?

Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass.

There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest
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  #1204  
Old 12th June 2022, 07:52
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is online now
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A lizard walks into the Doctors,

He says to the Doctor, "I'm having trouble getting a stiffy"

The Doctor said "Don't worry i see this all the time you have a reptile dysfunction".
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  #1205  
Old 12th June 2022, 20:56
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"Doctor Doctor, I think I've become invisible !"
"Who said that ?"
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #1206  
Old 13th June 2022, 10:27
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Malcolm G Malcolm G is offline
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I went to the Air and Space museum, but there was nothing there.
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The Mad Landsman
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  #1207  
Old 13th June 2022, 18:53
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Graham Martin is in hospital.
So who the hell is Graham Martin you might ask ?
Well, Graham is the fellah who got home late one night and Helen, his wife, says: "Where the hell have you been ?"
Graham replies: "I was getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo ?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get ?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed onto my privates," he replied proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking ?" she asked, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on Earth would a chartered accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed onto his privates ?"
Graham replied:
"Well ...
One: I like to watch my money grow.
Two: Once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three: I like how money feels in my hand.
... and lastly .. instead of going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want !!"


Graham is now in the Critical Care Unit, room 223.
No visitors are allowed until further notice as they've had to put two armed guards on the life support machine.
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #1208  
Old 13th June 2022, 20:28
lakercapt Canada lakercapt is offline
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The entrance exam for medical school



when students took the entrance exam for medical school, they were perplexed by this question: "rearrange the letters p-n-e-s-i to spell out the part of the human body that is most useful when erect."



those who spelled spine became doctors.




The rest are in congress.
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  #1209  
Old 15th June 2022, 11:24
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Can't possibly refer to a seafarer.
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  #1210  
Old 15th June 2022, 13:09
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I'm going to nick that one Ron and put it on the ROA's WhatsApp group (they've been discussing booze for a day now.)
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Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #1211  
Old 17th June 2022, 09:07
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Don't think you'll want to nick this one Bob.

One holiday in Greece, my mate came across an Octopus on the shoreline next to some clean cups, saucers & dishes.

He said “It must have washed up on the beach.
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  #1212  
Old 17th June 2022, 10:35
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I just might .....
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #1213  
Old 19th June 2022, 15:08
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Signs we have seen

Did I read that sign right?
"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW."
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------------
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------------
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------
Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------------
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife
And Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya' think?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works better than a fair trial!
----------------------------- ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya' think?!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************** ****************************** ********************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ****
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** *****
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
****************************** ****************************** ******************************
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Alick
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  #1214  
Old 19th June 2022, 20:22
Makko Mexico Makko is offline
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Originally Posted by al1934 View Post
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
****************************** ****************************** ******************************
Great post Alick! I had a few chuckles! Regarding the last, when I was on a project at a power plant on the Pacific Coast, we ha suspended activities due to an incoming hurricane. Having a beer in the little town before we headed back to base, an old dude came into the shack/bar. His words chilled my blood!: "Yes, its bad. The dead will rise tonight!!!".

The thing was, Petacalco is about 4 metres above sea level. When there is a storm, the coastal land becomes fluidized from the waves.

Sure enough, next day, entering the power plant, the small cemetery had several ejected coffins, fallen headstones etc. ! Very eerie indeed!

Rgds.
Dave
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  #1215  
Old 21st June 2022, 14:21
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Thanks, Dave. We live in Torquay, which sometimes makes one wish for a tsunami to sort out the walking dead around the harbour...
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Alick
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  #1216  
Old 27th June 2022, 16:21
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Flag seen flying over Glastonbury ....
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #1217  
Old 27th June 2022, 22:45
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is online now
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During Euro 2012 football a group of Irish supporters flew a banner saying, "Angela Merkel thinks we're at work." It is not known what Frau Merkel thought but their bosses thought they were all out sick.
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  #1218  
Old 29th June 2022, 11:21
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Any excuse ....
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #1219  
Old 29th June 2022, 14:53
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Quote:
Originally Posted by al1934 View Post
We live in Torquay, which sometimes makes one wish for a tsunami to sort out the walking dead around the harbour...
Friends are currently on holiday in Torquay and tell me that the entertainment of the day is watching them raise a 80 foot super yacht from the bottom of the harbour. It went on fire a couple of weeks ago and sank.

It's all happening down there.
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  #1220  
Old 29th June 2022, 23:16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ron Stringer View Post
Friends are currently on holiday in Torquay and tell me that the entertainment of the day is watching them raise a 80 foot super yacht from the bottom of the harbour. It went on fire a couple of weeks ago and sank.

It's all happening down there.
The most excitement on Princess Pier since the fire in "The Islander" bar in 1974, and the Western Lady nearly sinking at her moorings in 1973 and being pumped out by the Fire Brigade.
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  #1221  
Old 30th June 2022, 07:30
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What excitement, there won't be a dry seat in the town.
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  #1222  
Old 30th June 2022, 22:22
Makko Mexico Makko is offline
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I had a look at Devon Live - A good laugh! The yacht has been raised, a car sticking out of a bungalow window, drink diving crash, another crash closes promenade, construction worker suffers medical crisis! A hotbed of news!
Rgds.
Dave
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  #1223  
Old 1st July 2022, 06:06
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And the Fire Brigade were called to rescue Mrs Fortescue's cat from the neighbours ash tree. Frew, Frew and Barney McGrew turned out.
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  #1224  
Old 1st July 2022, 09:15
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Sometimes a run ashore can get a bit out of hand ......
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #1225  
Old 1st July 2022, 12:21
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My mate was so poor when he was growing up that he couldn't afford shoes. If he wanted to pop down to the shop he'd put bubble wrap on his feet!
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