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Humour the best of medicine

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  #151  
Old 28th October 2018, 15:03
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Varley Isle of Man Varley is offline
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I hate to carp but:

Real ale is, through it's regulatory effects, the source of happiness.

Heavy Metal? Certainly neither the classical approach to WT blading nor a likely one to score in future. A lighter composition is required.
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Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
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Last edited by Varley; 30th October 2018 at 12:09.
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  #152  
Old 28th October 2018, 15:25
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Laughter is dead and gone … never to be resurrected.
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  #153  
Old 28th October 2018, 16:22
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But I'm going to keep on trying … despite the dampening field from hell ….

(You should have worked at Chernobyl back in the day Varlers … could have saved us all a lot of bother … )
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  #154  
Old 29th October 2018, 05:06
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Varley View Post
I hate to carp but:

Real ale is, through it's regulatory effects, the source of happiness.
What did the old billboards day?? "A Guinness a day keeps the doctor away"

A good source of iron in addition to the regularity.
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  #155  
Old 29th October 2018, 11:20
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That mistake has been made before (the Japanese tackled an overheating waste flask by hosing it down so increasing the effect of moderation until criticality - much like the natural reactors of Gabon). Guinness provides much the same effect when used to hose down a vindaloo.

You must have one at eleven, it's a duty that has to be done, if you can't have one at eleven you must have eleven at one.
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Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right
It is the duty of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan
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  #156  
Old 29th October 2018, 22:22
lakercapt Canada lakercapt is offline
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What did the old billboards day?? "A Guinness a day keeps the doctor away"
When running down the West African coast the billboards said "Guinness gives you Power"
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  #157  
Old 30th October 2018, 01:00
Apple82 Apple82 is offline
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That mistake has been made before (the Japanese tackled an overheating waste flask by hosing it down so increasing the effect of moderation until criticality - much like the natural reactors of Gabon). Guinness provides much the same effect when used to hose down a vindaloo.

You must have one at eleven, it's a duty that has to be done, if you can't have one at eleven you must have eleven at one.

My personal record is ten, in the Flying Angel in Southampton 1980.
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  #158  
Old 30th October 2018, 06:47
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My personal record is ten, in the Flying Angel in Southampton 1980.
You're a better man than I, Gunga Din. Here's to ya!
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  #159  
Old 30th October 2018, 09:39
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That's odd, I normally see flying velociraptors (purple ones) when I've had that many.
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Old 30th October 2018, 15:10
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I used to have this problem when going to the chemists … although not for this particular subject (I hasten to add … )
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  #161  
Old 30th October 2018, 23:20
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An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.

The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.
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  #162  
Old 31st October 2018, 08:37
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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Christmas Dinner is sure to be a hoot.
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  #163  
Old 31st October 2018, 14:20
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Halloween ?

Forget demons and hobgoblins. Forget spooks and characters from the dark side.

Forget Zombies, forget feral kids, forget velociraptors, forget aliens with lots of teeth and acid for blood .....

Let me show you something REALLY terrifying should you open your front door: ...... this pair with a chimney brush …
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  #164  
Old 31st October 2018, 14:46
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Loved those two. Bob have you ever seen them dancing together in the Chubby Checkers tune "The Twist" they are great.

There are a few versions of it but the Cowboy one is the best I think.

Last edited by John Rogers; 31st October 2018 at 14:51.
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  #165  
Old 1st November 2018, 03:47
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Small boy got fed up as every time he was at a wedding little old ladies used to jab him with a finger and say "Your Next."
So when he went to funerals he used to jab them and say,"Your Next'.
Tugger
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  #166  
Old 1st November 2018, 22:26
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: Put out the damn cat..








We were dressed and ready to go out to a Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife went on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the evening. So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, he got into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away.

'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!... She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.













Brighten your day.
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  #167  
Old 2nd November 2018, 09:07
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Strangely no-one knocked on his door on the night of Halloween …
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  #168  
Old 3rd November 2018, 03:20
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Three Italian Nuns were driving down the Auttostrada when their small Fiat was hit by a transport
truck.
Ended up at the early gates to be greeted by St. Peter.
“I was not expecting you for a few years yet and I would like as compensation to allow you back on
earth as whomsoever you would like for six months.
The first Nun asked that she go back as Sophia Lorian as she had a very interesting life.
Second Nun wished to return as Madonna as she was a good example of how the wild side of life was.
The third Nun after some though asked St. Peter to return her as Alberta Pipeline. Who is this was the
puzzled St. Pete?
The Nun produced a newspaper and showed the article to the puzzled Saint.
Oh Sister responded the Saint you have it all wrong.
What the newspaper article said was
Alberta Pipe Line was laid by 1500 men in six months.
Oh said the disappointed Nun I thought it was something different
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  #169  
Old 15th November 2018, 19:55
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DAVE: (played by BJ) … "Open the Downing Street Doors please HAL."
HAL: (played by TM) … "I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that."
DAVE: … "What appears to be the problem ?"
HAL: … "You're planning to disconnect me, and I'm afraid I can't allow that."
DAVE: … "Where'd you get that idea HAL ?"
HAL: … "I saw your lips move ."

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  #170  
Old 16th November 2018, 06:57
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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Bob exits stage left.
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  #171  
Old 16th November 2018, 11:19
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"Daisy, Daisy...…bicycle...………………………….two".
"Well, mate, you shouldn't have called me 'Dave'"!
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David V
Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right
It is the duty of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan
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  #172  
Old 16th November 2018, 14:38
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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"Well, mate, you shouldn't have called me 'Dave'"!


He deserves six of the best, in the good old fashioned IOM way.
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  #173  
Old 16th November 2018, 23:41
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HAL: "Not in the slightest bit. I enjoy working with people. I have a stimulating relationship with Dr. Poole and Dr. Bowman. My mission responsibilities range over the entire operation of the ship so I am constantly occupied. I am putting myself to the fullest possible use which is all, I think, that any conscious entity can ever hope to do."

Douglas Rain, voice of HAL, died a few days ago. Perfect voice for a calm, murderous computer, itself the victim of human folly.
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  #174  
Old 17th November 2018, 20:43
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A few years ago I was on holiday in Spain and stayed in a nice little inn just south of Madrid.

After a day I caught a bad case of the flu, and after sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called down to the desk for help.

“Oh so you're sick,” they replied. “Don't worry, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away.”

The doctor strolled into the room within minutes, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out: “I didn’t think the hotel would have their own doctor on call?”

He simply shook his head and cracked a smile, then said:

“Nobody expects the Spanish Inn physician.”
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  #175  
Old 17th November 2018, 22:36
Les Gibson United Kingdom Les Gibson is offline
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Bob
I'm going to build a huge groanometer.
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