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Humour the best of medicine

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  #551  
Old 26th May 2020, 10:10
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If you Google 'The eyeballs in the sky' and select images you'll get a few results ...
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(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #552  
Old 4th June 2020, 13:49
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An honest mistake ....
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #553  
Old 9th June 2020, 16:42
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Thin ice, covering a minefield, floating on a lake of nitro-glycerine.
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #554  
Old 9th June 2020, 20:28
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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I knew that.
But never knew not to say it.
Cheers Bob.
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  #555  
Old 21st June 2020, 16:02
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An Englishman was taking a driving holiday across Australia's vast outback when he spotted a solitary bar in the middle of nowhere. Thinking a cold beer would be nice in this heat he stopped, went in and ordered a beer. Needing to pee he asked the bar man where the Gents was.

"Though that door and out back," the barman replied.

He went through the door and found he was out in the open, a vast desert stretching to the horizon. Then he noticed to his left, a small pile of droppings, alongside a damp patch. He looked right and there was another small pile of droppings alongside another damp patch.

"Well this is a bit basic," he said to himself. "But needs must." So he stepped left and started to pee on the damp patch.

Then another customer came through the door wearing a side up hat with corks dangling, a bush jacket and khaki shorts. He stepped to the right to pee.

"Gidday gidday mate," said the newcomer. "Yer not from round here are ya ?"
"Well no I'm not," replied the Englishman. "How can you tell ?"
"Well you're pissing in the lady's Dunny," replied the Oz.
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #556  
Old 22nd June 2020, 00:27
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I entered 10 puns in a pun contest hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.
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Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #557  
Old 22nd June 2020, 17:12
Dave McGouldrick Dave McGouldrick is offline
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Church of Scotland Minister had 3 sons, two whom followed him into the cloth, and Jack who (of course) went to sea.
Christmas was always spent at the father's manse and one year, Jack was off the ship and was able to be there.

Xmas morning : the father was standing with his back to the roaring fire when No 1 son comes down.
'Merry Christmas my son, and how did you sleep?'
'Father I slept wonderfully , dreamt I was in heaven, - it was just like home'
' Wonderful' says the father, 'come and stand by my right hand and warm yourself at the fire'.

No. 2 son arrives.
'Merry Christmas my son, and how did you sleep?'
'Father, I slept wonderfully. I dreamt I was in heaven, and it was just like home'
'Ah my boy, come and stand by my left hand and warm yourself at the fire'

Enter a very hungover Jack - eyes like p***holes in the show, severe case of the shakes etc.
Oh dear thinks his father - still it's Christmas....
'Merry Christmas my son, and how did you sleep?'
'Like sh1t. Dreamt I'd gone to Hell, and it was just like home'
'Hell? Just like home?'
' Yeah - I couldn't get near the fire for Ministers'


A little out of season, but after all 'The nights are fair drawin in'
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  #558  
Old 24th June 2020, 21:40
dave New Zealand dave is offline
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an old man was walking down the street passing a young lady she she said to the old man excuse me but your fly is undun he replied a dead bird carnt fall out of its nest
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  #559  
Old 25th June 2020, 05:49
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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Could he smell raw fish?
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  #560  
Old 25th June 2020, 09:09
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If you took all the bolts out of the Eiffel Tower, and laid them end to end ... the tower would fall down.
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Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #561  
Old 25th June 2020, 14:01
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And Dick Strawbridge would build a combine harvester out of it.
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  #562  
Old 29th June 2020, 12:26
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A member of the Flat Earth Society recently said that he feared Social Distancing might push some people over the edge...
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Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #563  
Old 29th June 2020, 15:05
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Health and Safety Officers have advised the installation of a small picket fence to prevent accidents but spotty teenagers can still indulge in horse play along the edge in the hope they fall into the black hole.
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  #564  
Old 29th June 2020, 17:43
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Always try to hold on to your dreams...








Press the snooze button.
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  #565  
Old 29th June 2020, 17:54
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Surely they would fall into a black plain. A flat black hole would seem to increase the doubt in the existence of the 'singularity'. Our scientists talk of such careless youth being tagliartelliated rather than spaghettified.
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Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
Himself. It stuck him dead and serve him right
It is the duty of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan
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  #566  
Old 16th July 2020, 20:46
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Wear glasses?
Forced to wear a face mask?
You could be due some condensation!
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  #567  
Old 27th July 2020, 08:47
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Here in Melbourne COVID-19 has been allowed out of control > 500 new cases yesterday 26/7 despite face masks being compulsory. There is the usual fifth column (mostly young females) who refuse to comply quoting all manner of 'human rights' excuses. One notice posted by someone, however, appealed to me especially given my opinion of ambulance chasing lawyers:
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  #568  
Old 27th July 2020, 09:06
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That's a good one. Here's one I saw on Facebook:
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(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #569  
Old 31st July 2020, 11:38
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November could herald the end of the world ....
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #570  
Old 31st July 2020, 13:54
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Rednecks from Alabama, who have never seen an iceberg, still believe.
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  #571  
Old 2nd August 2020, 15:59
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Get set, Go.
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #572  
Old 2nd August 2020, 21:27
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Without her there would be no Olympic Games.
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  #573  
Old 8th August 2020, 16:53
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Probably shouldn't laugh ... but hard not to ....
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #574  
Old 8th August 2020, 17:55
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She is the one who said "ON YOUR MARK READY" before she fired her pistol.
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  #575  
Old 9th August 2020, 13:08
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I was visiting the cemetery the other day, paying my respects to an old departed friend. While I was at his graveside, I saw four guys walk by carrying a coffin by a handle at each corner. After about ten minutes they came back my way, still carrying the coffin and they turned along a different pathway from their first journey. Over the next forty minutes, they reappeared several times, scratching their heads, and making off in a separate direction each time.
I realised after a while they had totally lost the plot.
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Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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