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Humour the best of medicine

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  #526  
Old 25th April 2020, 21:50
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What should you do if you're addicted to seaweed ?

Sea kelp.
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
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(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #527  
Old 25th April 2020, 22:08
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Bob, in these difficult times you might curtail your testing of the Groan-o-meter.
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Buvez toujours, mourrez jamais.
Rabelais
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  #528  
Old 25th April 2020, 22:55
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Week 5 of the lockdown. Bob boils and eats his groan-o-meter.
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Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #529  
Old 26th April 2020, 07:59
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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Only 5 weeks, that's hardly a slow steam to the Gulf. With only Ras Tan to look forward to.
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  #530  
Old 26th April 2020, 09:51
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Did that a few times via the Cape. Groan-o-meters on toast most of the way there and most of the way back .. (all the way if we stored via a chopper off Capetown.)
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(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #531  
Old 30th April 2020, 12:42
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Collateral damage …..
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(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #532  
Old 30th April 2020, 14:49
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Or Foot 'n Mouth.
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  #533  
Old 1st May 2020, 04:33
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Covid-19

I am a strong believer in at least two things in this life:
  • There is security in obscurity
  • Never volunteer for anything

Naturally, I will not be taking part in this government initiative but may well check on some young lady students down the street to see if their passports are valid.
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  #534  
Old 1st May 2020, 10:07
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But they mean well Joe ….
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  #535  
Old 1st May 2020, 10:47
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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A strange shade of whitey brown.
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  #536  
Old 4th May 2020, 03:51
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https://youtu.be/AM4mIlYKG9s
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  #537  
Old 4th May 2020, 06:20
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And no JPR, Thorburn, Windsor, Price or Faulkner!
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  #538  
Old 7th May 2020, 09:47
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I gotta stop drinking Rum ….
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  #539  
Old 7th May 2020, 10:48
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BobClay View Post
I gotta stop drinking Rum ….
I have had to. Wine Cellar is out of Lambs Gravy and, after last night, so am I.
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David V
Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right
It is the duty of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan
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  #540  
Old 17th May 2020, 10:31
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About a month before my uncle died we greased his back with lard. He went downhill fast after that.
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Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #541  
Old 17th May 2020, 11:10
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Tried that but doesn't seem to work, Uncle has a tummy rash and we keep sliding off.
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Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right
It is the duty of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan
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  #542  
Old 17th May 2020, 11:52
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Twanged something in my gut laughing at this …. (I've cleaned it up a bit as I know seafarers don't like bad words. )
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  #543  
Old 21st May 2020, 10:37
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I was offered a job polishing mirrors.

Turned it down, I couldn't see myself doing that.
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  #544  
Old 21st May 2020, 12:44
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I am adding a mechanical overload preventer to the latest groan-o-meter. The giggle based governor circuit is obviously not up to the mark, the pointer's already got a bend in it.
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Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right
It is the duty of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan
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  #545  
Old 21st May 2020, 14:29
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You might not like the guy, and I'll be the first to admit he's a bit of a party pooper … but at least he's considerate enough to wear a face mask in these troubled times …
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Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #546  
Old 21st May 2020, 20:25
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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Bet his jacket could tell a few tales.
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  #547  
Old 25th May 2020, 09:55
Laurie Ridyard United Kingdom Laurie Ridyard is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dartskipper View Post
There was an accident on the M1 today that stopped traffic for several hours. A road tanker loaded with molasses collided with another road tanker carrying a full load of treacle. There was only one fatality as one of the drivers came to a sticky end.

(Apologies again are due to the Two Ronnies.)
Another molasses joke....

The mole family went for a walk.

First came baby mole, then mummy , then daddy mole.

Baby mole says " Mummy ! Mummy ! I can smell sugar ! "

Mummy moles doesn't answer .

Baby mole gets rather exited " Mummy ! Mummy ! I can smell sugar ! "he shouts.

Mummy mole says " That's not sugar, sweetie ! That's honey ! "


Daddy Mole says rather grumpily " All I can smell round here is mole a***s !"


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtxbM7-jAD0
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  #548  
Old 26th May 2020, 03:21
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As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to play & sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to sing. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I sang from my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost….
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  #549  
Old 26th May 2020, 05:48
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

As did I.
This is the most convincing joke I've heard in a long time.

PS. Are you a tenor or baritone?
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  #550  
Old 26th May 2020, 09:43
Laurie Ridyard United Kingdom Laurie Ridyard is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BobClay View Post
Many years ago there used to be a cartoon strip in the Daily Mirror called 'The Perishers.' There were a number of annual themes one of which I remember well. The group would go on a summer holiday to the seaside and the shaggy dog, 'Boot,' would always go to a crab pool to peer in and see what was going on. Down in the depths of the crab pool this gave rise to a religion amongst the crabs, based on the "Eyeballs in the Sky" that appeared each year. More often than not this ended up in madness and chaos .. (religions do that.)

It also gave rise to some funny jokes though …..
Any more of these ? Where can I find them?

ATB

Laure
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