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Humour the best of medicine

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  #426  
Old 11th November 2019, 22:11
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Personally I'd stick with 'Rex,' (as in Tyrannosaurus.)
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
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(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #427  
Old 30th November 2019, 14:46
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A loud pounding on the front door awakened a man and his wife at 3:00 am. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," replies the husband. "It is three in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that ?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him ?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's three in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there !"
"Well you have a short memory," says the wife. "Can't you remember about a month ago when our car broke down, and those two guys helped us ? I think you should go and help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself."
Feeling guilty the man gets up to do as she says and goes outside into the pounding rain. He calls out in the dark: "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes, " comes a reply.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes please," comes a reply from the dark.
"Where are you ?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #428  
Old 31st January 2020, 13:01
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Ahhh the wonders of technology .
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #429  
Old 31st January 2020, 14:08
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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Is Alexa dolphin friendly?
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  #430  
Old 9th February 2020, 14:04
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"Life is not the way it's supposed to be - it's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."
After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?"
And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.
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  #431  
Old 10th February 2020, 10:55
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Now I'm a believer
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #432  
Old 10th February 2020, 14:05
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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I don't believe it.
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  #433  
Old 10th February 2020, 14:40
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That was then, this is now.
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The Mad Landsman
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  #434  
Old 15th February 2020, 11:12
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I believe it's called an 'epiphany.'
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #435  
Old 17th February 2020, 18:52
Rob Pithers Rob Pithers is offline
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Google

I don't need Google!
Our Lass knows everything,
and she is NEVER wrong!!
(If I want to wake up in the morning).
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  #436  
Old 17th February 2020, 19:54
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Does she ever say to you: "Resistance is futile."
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #437  
Old 17th February 2020, 19:59
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It's when she starts calling you 'Dave' that you really need to worry.
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  #438  
Old 23rd February 2020, 11:15
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I decided to test my new super-strengthened heavily armoured groan-o-meter on this joke.

RIP groan-o-meter.
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #439  
Old 23rd February 2020, 12:59
Dave McGouldrick Dave McGouldrick is offline
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Bob. You really should know better. Now everyone knows there's a new groan-o-meter...…...
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  #440  
Old 23rd February 2020, 16:47
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Probably no longer. I doubt it survived the sea trial.
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David V
Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
Himself. It stuck him dead and serve him right
It is the duty of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan
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  #441  
Old 24th February 2020, 00:35
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It's broken already.
Didn't last long - where was it made?
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  #442  
Old 24th February 2020, 06:37
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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Mine was made in Glasgow, from girders and I'm welding patches on it twice a week. If Bob could post his witticisms between Monday to Friday it would keep the overtime costs down. Quality counts, more Frankie Boyle and less Julian Clary would cause less FSD's and bent pointers.
PS Delete "Bent" and insert "Damaged".
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  #443  
Old 24th February 2020, 10:33
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Your wish is my command:

"Bloody aliens coming down here and writing graffiti on things !!! Whey don't the get back up their own end of the spiral arm ? !!"
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #444  
Old 25th February 2020, 16:44
Makko Mexico Makko is offline
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Anyone fancy a crisp?:
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  #445  
Old 27th February 2020, 14:00
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Resistance is futile.
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #446  
Old 27th February 2020, 15:40
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An old seaman is up in court charged with several counts of rape, sexual assault, lewd behaviour and drunkenness. The usher asks how do you plead and only receives a slight croak in reply. "Speak up man" shouts the judge. "Your honour my client has a very bad case of laryngitis and has lost his voice"... "well would he like to suck on a Fisherman's Friend?" enquires the judge to which the barrister replies "Do you not think he is in enough trouble as it is?"
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Oul scabby knuckles

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

Anything God didn't create was made by engineers.

I try so hard to make things idiot proof but they keep making better idiots
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  #447  
Old 27th February 2020, 15:46
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An old seaman was in a restaurant when the waitress asked what he would like. "I'd love a quickie" he said and received a hard slap across the face. "Now what do you really want" asked the waitress "I said I'd love a quickie" to which he received and even harder slap. Deciding to give him one last chance she said "for the last time what would you like?" and again he said "I told you I'd love a quickie"... disgusted she stormed off to fetch the manager to throw the seaman out. As she left a customer at the next table who had observed all that had happened leant over and said "I think it's pronounced quiche"
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Oul scabby knuckles

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

Anything God didn't create was made by engineers.

I try so hard to make things idiot proof but they keep making better idiots
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  #448  
Old 29th February 2020, 13:52
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One for the groan-o-meter:
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #449  
Old 29th February 2020, 14:36
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Varley Isle of Man Varley is offline
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Shoot me. I had to think about it.
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David V
Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
Himself. It stuck him dead and serve him right
It is the duty of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan
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  #450  
Old 4th March 2020, 21:39
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It is groan-o-meter joke ... but it made me laugh.
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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