Go Back   Shipping History > Swinging The Lamp (Off Topic) > The Pig & Whistle

Humour the best of medicine

Post Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #576  
Old 12th August 2020, 22:45
John Rogers's Avatar
John Rogers United States John Rogers is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: St.louis,Missouri USA.
Posts: 540
Images: 239
COVID 19 SELF TEST



A new and easy self-test for the horror of Covid 19 is doing the rounds and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean).



Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favorite whisky into it; then see if you can smell it. If you can, then you are halfway there.



Then drink it. If you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus because the loss of the sense of smell and taste is a common symptom.



I tested myself 7 times last night and was virus free every time thank goodness.



I will have to test myself again today because I have developed a throbbing headache which can also be one of the symptoms.



I'll report my results later.



Stay Safe
Reply With Quote
  #577  
Old 13th August 2020, 00:32
Makko Mexico Makko is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Mexico City, Mexico
Posts: 948
Images: 52
Uncle John,

You are incorrigible!

Rgds,
Dave.

Currently undergoing "testing" with Stella Artois!
Reply With Quote
  #578  
Old 13th August 2020, 01:18
YM-Mundrabilla's Avatar
YM-Mundrabilla Australia YM-Mundrabilla is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Mundrabilla (haha), Melbourne really but I'd rather be in Narvik
Posts: 786
Images: 1698
For the 'spoil sports' amongst us it works just as well with orange juice.
Reply With Quote
  #579  
Old 13th August 2020, 07:51
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Dublin,but I'd rather be in Stavanger.
Posts: 2,922
It works just swell with Jamesons.
Reply With Quote
  #580  
Old 13th August 2020, 08:57
Malcolm G's Avatar
Malcolm G Malcolm G is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Poole
Posts: 1,552
Images: 6
Red wine is good, anytime...
__________________
The Mad Landsman
Reply With Quote
  #581  
Old 13th August 2020, 10:01
BobClay's Avatar
BobClay United Kingdom BobClay is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Cornwall UK
Posts: 1,530
Images: 73
If you can say this rapidly without mistake, you haven't got the virus.
If you can say: "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood ?" rapidly without mistake, you're probably immune.
If you can say very rapidly "The Leith Police Dismisseth us" without mistake. You're probably Superman.
As for "Red Lorry, Yellow Lorry" .... yer not human.
Attached Images
File Type: jpg JimBeam.jpg (112.0 KB, 64 views)
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
Reply With Quote
  #582  
Old 13th August 2020, 10:22
Varley's Avatar
Varley Isle of Man Varley is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Isle of Man, G.B.
Posts: 2,404
Red lorry? That is positive for leithpolicevirus. Surely leather is the virus free response.

I took several tests yesterday starting with Bushy's Castletown and finishing with Tesco's Tawny (the Rochas, from Pieroth's is only brought our when entertaining as the ladies think I am being tight arsed if I offer the Tesco's). Happily all were negative but is there a test for waking up on the deck disease?
__________________
David V
Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right
It is the duty of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan
Reply With Quote
  #583  
Old 3rd September 2020, 21:23
BobClay's Avatar
BobClay United Kingdom BobClay is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Cornwall UK
Posts: 1,530
Images: 73
An old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw £10

The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than £100 please use the ATM.”

The old lady wanted to know why ...

The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.”

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, you have £30,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?

The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.

The teller told her any amount up to £3000

"Well, please let me have £3000 now", she said. The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her

The old lady put £10 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit £2990 back into her account.

The moral of this tale .......

Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills.
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
Reply With Quote
  #584  
Old 3rd September 2020, 22:12
Farmer John's Avatar
Farmer John Farmer John is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 1,506
Bob, I can see my wife and my daughters all doing that. Eldest daughter went to shop, told she had to take clothes hangers and that the clothes had to be packed in their bags. She left with the clothes but no bag or hangers.

They're all very small and very fierce.
__________________
Buvez toujours, mourrez jamais.
Rabelais

Last edited by Farmer John; 3rd September 2020 at 22:42.
Reply With Quote
  #585  
Old 4th September 2020, 06:18
Greg Hayden's Avatar
Greg Hayden United States Greg Hayden is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: Vista, California,, USA
Posts: 20
Okay I have waded through this whole thread and I laughed out loud quite a few times.
I must say however that John Rogers Septic Tank made me laugh the hardest ....
Reply With Quote
  #586  
Old 4th September 2020, 10:27
martin martin is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: oldham lancs
Posts: 7
Bob's joke isn't too far from reality. After leaving the sea I became a Sub-postmaster. One office I was at, an old lady came in to withdraw all the money from an Investment account; £13,000. She wanted me to count it out, although it was delivered by the PO in sealed bags. After counting, she gave it me back, saying "I just wanted to see if you still had it!"
Reply With Quote
  #587  
Old 4th September 2020, 11:26
Dave McGouldrick Dave McGouldrick is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Forfar Scotland UK
Posts: 192
New Job Title

Don't know if anybody's seen this one before.
Attached Images
File Type: jpg engineer.jpg (48.0 KB, 115 views)
Reply With Quote
  #588  
Old 7th September 2020, 13:26
rogd United Kingdom rogd is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2020
Location: Cotehill, Cumbria
Posts: 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by John Rogers View Post
My Dad was from Resolven John.
Reply With Quote
  #589  
Old 7th September 2020, 15:47
John Rogers's Avatar
John Rogers United States John Rogers is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: St.louis,Missouri USA.
Posts: 540
Images: 239
Just a couple of miles down the road from where I was born.
Reply With Quote
  #590  
Old 10th September 2020, 09:56
BobClay's Avatar
BobClay United Kingdom BobClay is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Cornwall UK
Posts: 1,530
Images: 73
I know it's daft, but I laughed anyway ....
Attached Images
File Type: jpg HardPlaice.jpg (88.4 KB, 111 views)
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
Reply With Quote
  #591  
Old 10th September 2020, 14:18
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Dublin,but I'd rather be in Stavanger.
Posts: 2,922
A small titter and a loud groan.
Donald McGill would have had a much bigger "Titter".
Reply With Quote
  #592  
Old 11th September 2020, 09:37
BobClay's Avatar
BobClay United Kingdom BobClay is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Cornwall UK
Posts: 1,530
Images: 73
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the men in the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning, the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,

“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
Reply With Quote
  #593  
Old 11th September 2020, 21:51
Les Gibson United Kingdom Les Gibson is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: Swansea
Posts: 39
Laughed out loud at that one Bob!
Reply With Quote
  #594  
Old 13th September 2020, 23:43
rogd United Kingdom rogd is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2020
Location: Cotehill, Cumbria
Posts: 52
https://www.shippinghistory.com/atta...1&d=1600036924
Attached Images
File Type: jpg trump.jpg (30.2 KB, 115 views)
Reply With Quote
  #595  
Old 16th September 2020, 12:52
BobClay's Avatar
BobClay United Kingdom BobClay is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Cornwall UK
Posts: 1,530
Images: 73
The 'Rule of Six.' (Much supported by Eli Wallach.)
Attached Images
File Type: jpg Mag7.jpg (123.9 KB, 86 views)
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
Reply With Quote
  #596  
Old 19th September 2020, 17:01
Dave McGouldrick Dave McGouldrick is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Forfar Scotland UK
Posts: 192
Courtesy Kenneth Horn circa 1960(ish)

I wanted to purchase a novel by a well known Russian Author- so I sent a Chekov.......
Reply With Quote
  #597  
Old 19th September 2020, 18:01
Farmer John's Avatar
Farmer John Farmer John is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 1,506
!960s, Kenneth Horne, and I bet he didn't make them up. I have a vision of humorists subtly edging Chekov towards a career as a writer, then fighting when he was first published to be the first to get a joke out.
__________________
Buvez toujours, mourrez jamais.
Rabelais
Reply With Quote
  #598  
Old 19th September 2020, 18:55
Varley's Avatar
Varley Isle of Man Varley is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Isle of Man, G.B.
Posts: 2,404
Alexander might have Pushkin?
__________________
David V
Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right
It is the duty of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan
Reply With Quote
  #599  
Old 30th September 2020, 11:36
BobClay's Avatar
BobClay United Kingdom BobClay is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Cornwall UK
Posts: 1,530
Images: 73
Worzel under fire for not being online ....
Attached Images
File Type: jpg scarecrow.jpg (145.9 KB, 84 views)
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
Reply With Quote
  #600  
Old 5th October 2020, 22:45
BobClay's Avatar
BobClay United Kingdom BobClay is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Cornwall UK
Posts: 1,530
Images: 73
The Queen bought Prince Philip a Fox Fur hat for the cold weather.

A couple of months later he said to the Queen: "Here Liz, I've been invited to a shoot for the weekend near Barnsley."

The Queen replied: "Wear the fox hat phil."

Phil answered: "Near Bolton I think."
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
Reply With Quote
Post Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 12:31.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.