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#776
14th June 2021, 16:25
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After many years of consuming kosher sausages at the best regular Christmas party on the Island, (amongst other worthiness stalwarts of KGFS) It was not that long before she died, at a good age, that I had to admit that the appreciation of this aspect of the festivities was false and I would not have willingly fed them to my cat. Fortunately I was forgiven.
(I am leaving in the 'the' in Island despite opposition from certain Hibernians. We allow importation of uncooked meat products under licence for kosher and, I presume, halal consumer. As far as I know no halallian worthies have put on a Christmas party for their haram co-subjects).
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David V Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right It is the duty of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan 
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#777
15th June 2021, 16:14
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A young girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke who had had his way with her the previous evening, after they'd met in a pub.
He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves. "You lying toad," she yells. "Last night you told me you were a stunt pilot." "No," he says; "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#778
15th June 2021, 18:09
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When I joined Blue Flue, as new Cadets, we were getting to know each other.
I asked Mawer, from Bristol, what his Dad did, did he have any history in the MN. "Naw", he said in his lilting accent,"he's a sole moulder at Clark's shoes". "Ah!", said MacPherson, from Buckie (with whom I roomed for two years),"So, he's a Reverend!". Good quick retort! Rgds. Dave
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#779
15th June 2021, 18:14
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Another MacPherson one liner.....
Stood on the platform at Central Station, waiting for the Garston train to Riversdale, Pisani (who hadn't studied for exams) sat like a hobo against a column, chugging caffeine pills with one hand, holding a text book in the other. A young lady came down the escalator in loose leather jeans. "Ooh!", said I,"I wish they were skin tight!". "They are!", exclaimed MacPherson. A good lad, Iain Stewart McPhee. Rgds. Dave
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#780
16th June 2021, 12:00
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A man says to the dentist: "Listen, my 3 friends are waiting in the car outside. We're in a rush, there's no time for an injection, you'll just have to pull the tooth and to hell with the pain. We're lucky enough to get a game on the most exclusive and best golf club on the planet. There's just no time to wait for the injection, just pull the tooth. It's 9.30am now and we tee off at 10.00."
The dentist thinks; "At last, a man with balls." He asks: "Which tooth is it?" The man turns to his wife and says: "Open your mouth honey and show the dentist your tooth."
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#781
16th June 2021, 13:42
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About as funny as a trip to the dentist.
Ha Ha.
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#783
17th June 2021, 06:20
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She must have been his Caddy. Surely she could have waited and got an afternoon appointment.
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#784
21st June 2021, 16:14
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This thread need some joke.
Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.. Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left. Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night. It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it. Man who drives like hell is bound to get there. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement. And Finally, Confucius Did Not Say. .. "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood."
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#788
26th June 2021, 16:44
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Think we have hit a dry hole for Jokes Bob.
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#791
29th June 2021, 14:21
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Doctor doctor I think I've got some hearing problems.
Can u describe the symptoms? Yes, Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair.
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#792
1st July 2021, 10:43
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New face mask discovered on the planetary moon LV-426. Absolutely guaranteed to stop all forms of the COVID virus. There are however, some disturbing side effects ...
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#793
2nd July 2021, 19:42
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An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of whiskey.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: “Before you tell that joke, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know four things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat, the bouncer is a blonde girl with a club, I’m a 6-foot tall blonde woman with a black belt in karate and the woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters: “No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it four times.”
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The Mad Landsman
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#796
3rd July 2021, 06:29
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Malcolm I'm a wee bit disappointed you didn't call it an Irish Joke.
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#797
3rd July 2021, 08:14
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There are alternative versions but I thought that on balance there are less 'blondes' on here to take offence than Irish.
But if I find a suitable Irishman joke I will, of course, substitute 'Kerryman' 
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The Mad Landsman
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#800
5th July 2021, 01:16
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Don't be silly E-S. Two weeks and no potato, how could that apply to the Irish.
(I have a sore eye just now and am dining with an Irish lady tomorrow - I fear her prescription will progress rapidly through the Old Hibernian Wife's spell book to her favourite balm of employing some of one's own bodily overboard pumpings. Never mind I have been promised some Gubeen, a new discovery for yours truly).
__________________
David V Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right It is the duty of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan
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