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Humour the best of medicine

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  #926  
Old 30th November 2021, 14:41
Jolly Jack England Jolly Jack is offline
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I want one.

JJ.
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  #927  
Old 2nd December 2021, 14:26
Jolly Jack England Jolly Jack is offline
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Did you hear about the chap with two wooden legs whose house caught fire.....

They managed to save the house but the chap was burnt to the ground.

For anyone of a sensitive nature, that joke was told to me by a mate at work, who had married a Chinese girl, who had a prosthetic leg - an accident with a bus in Hong Kong. He came into work one shift and told me that his wife had had an accident the day before and broken her leg. Me thinking wrongly he meant the 'good' one I said, "Bloody hell Alan, that's terrible". He replied, with a wry smile, "It's ok, she's got a spare one"..........

JJ.
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  #928  
Old 3rd December 2021, 18:04
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Varley Isle of Man Varley is offline
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Didn't the coppers 'do' the first for arsing around?
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Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
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  #929  
Old 3rd December 2021, 23:50
AlbieR United Kingdom AlbieR is online now
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No chance in an arse kicking contest then!
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  #930  
Old 4th December 2021, 00:01
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Chap with two wooden legs that had woodworm - He wasn't left with a leg to stand on!
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  #931  
Old 4th December 2021, 00:09
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Brings a whole new meaning to arson.
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  #932  
Old 4th December 2021, 08:00
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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No chance in an arse kicking contest then!
But many entries for the arse licking contest.
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  #933  
Old 4th December 2021, 12:04
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Chap with pain in portside testicle. It needed removal and, as of its time, only a wooden prosthesis available to replace it.

Some time later he returns to the medic with pain in both sides. After a lengthy examination he was told the result:

"My, my, what a lucky chap. Syph in one, death-watch beetle in the other".
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Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right
It is the duty of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan
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  #934  
Old 4th December 2021, 14:41
AlbieR United Kingdom AlbieR is online now
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When Macca was married to Heather Mills he bought her a plane for Christmas...............................and a LadyShave for the other leg.
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  #935  
Old 4th December 2021, 23:25
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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O Mull of Kintyre and mist rolling in from the sea.

I think you're a Linda man.
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  #936  
Old 5th December 2021, 10:47
Jolly Jack England Jolly Jack is offline
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That prompted another joke from the W.M.Club comics:-

Have you seen a dog with wings?........Linda Mac.....Not very nice joke though.

JJ.
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  #937  
Old 5th December 2021, 11:58
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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Linda and her cloth beefburgers.
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  #938  
Old 5th December 2021, 17:20
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But her sausages and sausage rolls are tasty (and the former fool the cats).
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Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right
It is the duty of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan
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  #939  
Old 17th December 2021, 15:07
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Pekka and Matti have been at sea without any liquor for a long time when Pekka suggests: “Matti, shall we not make a hole in the compass and tap a little of the liquor therein? Matti answers him with alarm and reproach: “Don’t you know that you will go blind from the stuff in there!?” Whereupon Pekka stays silent for some time before enquiring: “Matti, have we two not seen everything there is to see?
(The names are Finnish, it may be that for the English to see the joke the two would have to be named Neal and Paddy. )

Last edited by SJB; 17th December 2021 at 15:11.
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  #940  
Old 17th December 2021, 15:11
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And if you were Irish then it would be two Kerrymen - Padraig and Seamus.
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  #941  
Old 19th December 2021, 00:36
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How Skynet began ....
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  #942  
Old 23rd December 2021, 02:32
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WARNING
Be extra careful on the roads over the Christmas holiday,
A lot of men will be drinking …………. and getting their wives to drive them home!
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  #943  
Old 24th December 2021, 21:08
Makko Mexico Makko is offline
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WARNING
Be extra careful on the roads over the Christmas holiday,
A lot of men will be drinking …………. and getting their wives to drive them home!
Ha ha ha! Wife decided No.1 daughter should look for shoes for the religious wedding, here on visit to Monterrey.

Wife wanted me to be chauffeur - NO was my answer.

They left - after approximately three minutes, message from daughter,"Will we make it back alive?!"

Merry Xmas,
Dave
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  #944  
Old 28th December 2021, 14:25
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Santa ... also not wearing a mask ....
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  #945  
Old 12th January 2022, 16:59
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A guy walks into a bar and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why they are there.

The bartender replies: "If you can jump up and slap the meat you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you have to pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to give it a try ?"

The guy replies: "Nah ... the steaks are too high."

(Gets coat and puts bacofoil hat on.)
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(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #946  
Old 14th January 2022, 20:03
E. von Hoegh United States E. von Hoegh is offline
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Happy New Year.


I know it's late, I had a moving of household and internet was late arriving.


Best to all - E.
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  #947  
Old 14th January 2022, 20:04
E. von Hoegh United States E. von Hoegh is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BobClay View Post
A guy walks into a bar and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why they are there.

The bartender replies: "If you can jump up and slap the meat you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you have to pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to give it a try ?"

The guy replies: "Nah ... the steaks are too high."

(Gets coat and puts bacofoil hat on.)

Herr Clay, have you heard the spittoon joke?
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  #948  
Old 14th January 2022, 20:15
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I don't think so, but I suspect I'm about to. Go for it !!!
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(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #949  
Old 14th January 2022, 20:29
E. von Hoegh United States E. von Hoegh is offline
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Originally Posted by BobClay View Post
I don't think so, but I suspect I'm about to. Go for it !!!

An old sot enters a bar & declares "I'm gonna take a drink from that spittoon unless someone stands me a drink!"
No-one replys, so said sot lifts the spittoon -takes a sip - starts to put it down, but raises it up again and chugs all. People are running away, some leaving cash on the bar, some are getting sick, and the sot drains the cuspidor. The barmaid asks, "what the hell is wrong with you? I was going to give you a drink!" Sot replies, "I couldn't stop - it all came out in a long string!"

Last edited by E. von Hoegh; 14th January 2022 at 20:32.
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  #950  
Old 14th January 2022, 22:50
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(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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