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  #576  
Old 12th August 2020, 22:45
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COVID 19 SELF TEST



A new and easy self-test for the horror of Covid 19 is doing the rounds and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean).



Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favorite whisky into it; then see if you can smell it. If you can, then you are halfway there.



Then drink it. If you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus because the loss of the sense of smell and taste is a common symptom.



I tested myself 7 times last night and was virus free every time thank goodness.



I will have to test myself again today because I have developed a throbbing headache which can also be one of the symptoms.



I'll report my results later.



Stay Safe
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  #577  
Old 13th August 2020, 00:32
Makko Mexico Makko is offline
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Uncle John,

You are incorrigible!

Rgds,
Dave.

Currently undergoing "testing" with Stella Artois!
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  #578  
Old 13th August 2020, 01:18
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YM-Mundrabilla Australia YM-Mundrabilla is offline
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For the 'spoil sports' amongst us it works just as well with orange juice.
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  #579  
Old 13th August 2020, 07:51
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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It works just swell with Jamesons.
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  #580  
Old 13th August 2020, 08:57
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Red wine is good, anytime...
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  #581  
Old 13th August 2020, 10:01
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If you can say this rapidly without mistake, you haven't got the virus.
If you can say: "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood ?" rapidly without mistake, you're probably immune.
If you can say very rapidly "The Leith Police Dismisseth us" without mistake. You're probably Superman.
As for "Red Lorry, Yellow Lorry" .... yer not human.
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  #582  
Old 13th August 2020, 10:22
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Red lorry? That is positive for leithpolicevirus. Surely leather is the virus free response.

I took several tests yesterday starting with Bushy's Castletown and finishing with Tesco's Tawny (the Rochas, from Pieroth's is only brought our when entertaining as the ladies think I am being tight arsed if I offer the Tesco's). Happily all were negative but is there a test for waking up on the deck disease?
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  #583  
Old 3rd September 2020, 21:23
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An old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw 10

The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than 100 please use the ATM.”

The old lady wanted to know why ...

The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.”

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, you have 30,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?

The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.

The teller told her any amount up to 3000

"Well, please let me have 3000 now", she said. The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her

The old lady put 10 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit 2990 back into her account.

The moral of this tale .......

Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills.
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  #584  
Old 3rd September 2020, 22:12
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Bob, I can see my wife and my daughters all doing that. Eldest daughter went to shop, told she had to take clothes hangers and that the clothes had to be packed in their bags. She left with the clothes but no bag or hangers.

They're all very small and very fierce.
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Last edited by Farmer John; 3rd September 2020 at 22:42.
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  #585  
Old 4th September 2020, 06:18
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Okay I have waded through this whole thread and I laughed out loud quite a few times.
I must say however that John Rogers Septic Tank made me laugh the hardest ....
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  #586  
Old 4th September 2020, 10:27
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Bob's joke isn't too far from reality. After leaving the sea I became a Sub-postmaster. One office I was at, an old lady came in to withdraw all the money from an Investment account; 13,000. She wanted me to count it out, although it was delivered by the PO in sealed bags. After counting, she gave it me back, saying "I just wanted to see if you still had it!"
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  #587  
Old 4th September 2020, 11:26
Dave McGouldrick Dave McGouldrick is offline
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New Job Title

Don't know if anybody's seen this one before.
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  #588  
Old 7th September 2020, 13:26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John Rogers View Post
My Dad was from Resolven John.
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  #589  
Old 7th September 2020, 15:47
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Just a couple of miles down the road from where I was born.
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  #590  
Old 10th September 2020, 09:56
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I know it's daft, but I laughed anyway ....
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  #591  
Old 10th September 2020, 14:18
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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A small titter and a loud groan.
Donald McGill would have had a much bigger "Titter".
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  #592  
Old 11th September 2020, 09:37
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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the men in the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning, the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,

“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."
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  #593  
Old 11th September 2020, 21:51
Les Gibson United Kingdom Les Gibson is offline
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Laughed out loud at that one Bob!
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  #594  
Old 13th September 2020, 23:43
rogd United Kingdom rogd is offline
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https://www.shippinghistory.com/atta...1&d=1600036924
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  #595  
Old 16th September 2020, 12:52
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The 'Rule of Six.' (Much supported by Eli Wallach.)
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  #596  
Old 19th September 2020, 17:01
Dave McGouldrick Dave McGouldrick is offline
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Courtesy Kenneth Horn circa 1960(ish)

I wanted to purchase a novel by a well known Russian Author- so I sent a Chekov.......
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  #597  
Old 19th September 2020, 18:01
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!960s, Kenneth Horne, and I bet he didn't make them up. I have a vision of humorists subtly edging Chekov towards a career as a writer, then fighting when he was first published to be the first to get a joke out.
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  #598  
Old 19th September 2020, 18:55
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Alexander might have Pushkin?
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Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
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